Mist on the moor
Shrouds the boatmen,
Have they come to loot or linger,
I point a finger, and wail the alarming call.
Men behind masks
Hide intentions,
As I listen, friend or foe unsignaled,
I raise my pistol, a fist full of lead is my answer.
Cease fire you oaf!
It’s the Lord Mayors boat!
I throw down my gun, and run for a mile,
All the while, knowing I cannot go home again.
2007-08-18 03:43:51 · 7 answers · asked by FROGGIE 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
That left me really sad; it seemed to me that the defender is really pathetic. Heartbreaking, and I'm not sure why. Maybe because it seems true?
:~(
2007-08-18 03:51:46 · answer #1 · answered by LK 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's not bad...there is some internal rhyme, but you missed a golden opportunity at the end...why not say, "I can't go home for quite awhile" That would have let you end with a rhyme and there would have been more humor in it. Also, why "alarming call"? It isn't rhyming with anything, so why not use a less stilted phrase? Why not just say, "I point a finger and sound the wailing alarm"? That way you'd have a last word that starts with an "A" like you do in each successive paragraph. Consider it.
keep writing...it was a nice poem
2007-08-18 04:01:08 · answer #2 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I love poetry when it doesn't sound like anyone else. I think this is pretty good. I like the original elements of it.
2007-08-18 04:57:30 · answer #3 · answered by Todd 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
it doesn't rime and the words are too shallow. Try making a better meaning of your poem.
2007-08-18 03:52:50 · answer #4 · answered by The Boy Next Door 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
WOW! The poem is very good!
2007-08-18 04:50:17 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I could definitely picture it in my mind. That was good.
2007-08-18 03:48:36 · answer #6 · answered by updo 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its good keep it!
2007-08-18 03:50:31 · answer #7 · answered by no_rest_for_me 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋