Help please... no kids.?

Question

I have posted previously about my marriage. (please read)My husband just doesn't want to have sex with me. He gets very upset when I try to be intimate with him. Like to the point that we fight. His sex drive is just so much lower than mine and I don't understand. I really feel it is me and when I try to just talk to him about it he starts fighting with me. I am so confused and sad... The porno has lessened mostly because I installed a filtering program. I think if he is horny he should be with me... We have gone almost as much as a month at a time without sex.. and have only been married 2 years Btw I am 30 and he is 23...

Also it is almost our anniversary and he wants us to go to his friends house or stay home and order UFC. For our anniversary??? I just don't know... btw yes I threw out his friends...

Really telling me not to marry someone so much younger isn't the advice I was looking for...

And no I am not about to go get another man... Cheating is OUT of the question! And i think honestly he would never agree to counseling... also when i try to talk to him i always calm and respectful... but he turns it into a fight.

Answer 1

You are very attractive so that is clearly not the problem.

My long-term girlfriend has a temper like boiling Tabasco sauce. As a result I have lost all interest in having sex with her, a month ago. At lest she is no longer following me thought the house, kicking doors, throwing things, and screaming because she is mad at her boss, or some butthole that cut her off while driving home.

While it is true that she stopped yelling. We have not had sex in a month. She has been complaining. However I am still feeling all the “shell shock”. Being “verbally abused” is much like having been in Vietnam.

Perhaps there is something you have done, that has upset him in the past. This may have caused him to loose interest? Have you verbally abused him? I have been though this with several different women.

Answer 2

I read your previous posts, but never posted a response.

There is nothing wrong with you being 30 and him being 23, other than he is probably still a little immature and influenced too much by his friends. Does his friends have a problem with your age difference? They might be harassing him about being with an older, more experienced woman.

Maybe your man is insecure about his manhood. I mean, he constantly watches porn and masturbates (occasionally, I'm sure) and he is getting his release from that. If you have had more partners than he (or if he thinks you have) then he may not feel as though he is good enough to satisfy you or as good as your previous partners. Maybe he feels like you are unsatisfied because you want it so often. Since you don't want to get some on the side, then buy a vibrator and satisfy yourself. Leave him alone. Maybe, after you are always trying to initiate sex, he will start doing it. Don't be so available to him.

Since you mentioned in a previous posts that your parents were addicts, you are probably drawn to people who you perceive to need help and you do everything humanly possible to take care of their every need, because of your upbringing. Stop doing that. Maybe your man thinks that you treat him like a child because you do all of the household chores and wait on him hand and foot. Make him grow up and take some responsibility.

I would suggest that you get on with your life. Go out with friends. Let him know that you aren't going to sit around and wait for him to come around. You are making yourself too available.

Finally, if none of these things work, you have to decide whether or not you want to live the rest of your life like this. Sometimes, you just have to cut your loses and move on. You dont want to be regretting staying in a marriage where you are unhappy and "wasting" 30 years of your life. Most people will tell you that they have more regrets about what they didn't do, than what they did. Good luck, honey!

Answer 3

The mentioned attachment disorder sounds in the ballpark. He could be depressed too. Something is seriously going on with him. Most men, even with a low sex drive will respond to a women initiating sex. He's young so normally he should be ready to go most of the time.

When I'm very tired or concerned with general life problems (work, money etc) I'm not interested... but that would be an exception like anyone else.

His anger when you press the issue is a warning sign to me. He's into porn so he's into sex, but not with a live person? If he won't talk to you, you have a big problem. Have you tried to discuss it in a non-confrontational way? Don't let it escalate to a fight? Is counseling an option?

Answer 4

I really hate to break it to you, but it doesn't sound good at all. Sounds to me that he may have something else on the side and that is why he has no desire for you and starts fights when you bring it up. Maybe start seeing a therapist (preferably a marriage for couples) and see if he won't go with you. Let him know that this is NOT helping your marriage. And as far as going to his buddies house or watching UFC at home for your anniversary....HELL NO! I get the impression that you don't want any of it either. You may have to wake up and realize that you married someone who is much younger and immature than you are and wants different things out of life. Good luck to you and I hope it all works out.

Answer 5

You are pretty. A few pounds heavier than ideal. However, you have nice smile, you look friendly, and you have good symmetry so you are plenty sexy enough. That is not the problem, You can keep your husband, but you should not go without sex. That is not good for you and it is detrimental to your marriage. You have needs and they should be fulfilled.

You need to find a sexier and better looking guy than your husband and have sex. Women excel at sneaky sex, so if you are careful, you husband will never suspect. You will not be harming your husband in any way since you will still give him all the sex he needs and wants. And, it will do you a lot of good physically and emotionally and make you a better wife since you will not be fighting about sex. Therefore, it will be good for your husband too.

Also, should you get pregnant by the other guy, that will be even better because he will have better genes and will give you and your husband a prettier baby. And selecting the best genes will be in the best interest of your child.

Answer 6

I think that there is a much deeper problem here than the sex. I think men turn to porno when they feel emasculated. Who would you say "wears the pants" in the relationship. I am not asking that question to be rude to you, but I have a feeling that he is just plain unhappy and not telling you about it. Guys generally either shut down or get angry. The porno is not only evidence of a problem, but also feeds it. I would highly recommend counseling before this gets even worse.

Answer 7

Yes, I have read your previous posting. And I know you're sensitive about the age difference, but it may well be relevant. You're still in your prime at 30, but at 23, he's probably quite immature. You will already know that boys mature more slowly than girls, and this, in view of his sexual response to porn, seems certainly to be the case for you.

It's probably too soon to state categorically that his sex drive is so much lower than yours - it may be that because of his immaturity, he finds it much easier to be turned on by porn than by a real live woman, even when (or perhaps because) it is his own wife. Please don't take that the wrong way - what I mean is that he finds it difficult to relate the feeling of excitement in doing something so intimate, that he obviously associates with enjoyably "bad" behaviour (ie his internet porn viewing) with the perfectly legitimate and natural activity of making love to his wife.

This has nothing to do with you, or how desirable you are, but it has everything to do with his rather mixed up feelings about sex in general. If you could talk gently and quietly about it with him, and persuade him to find someone who might be able to help him to grow up in this respect, and support him all the way as best you possibly can, things could well improve for both of you.

It's asking a lot, but you are (and this has nothing to do with you age) the grown up in this relationship, and you need to be strong enough to help him grow, too. It's not going to be easy for you, because I know you must feel very rejected and hurt, but maybe if you can look at it in this way, you will understand that his behaviour is not a reflection on you, rather it is a measure of his immaturity.

I hope nothing I've said has offended or hurt you - because that's the last thing I wanted to do. I wish you the very best, and hope you'll be able to work it out together.

wimsey

Answer 8

It sounds like his friends have gotten to him for marrying amuch older (experienced) woman, and now hes having second thoughts. Something to the order of he married his mom or such (sorry) may have him thinking of it especially when it comes to sex time. Hes having a really hard time accepting the age factor now and his friends arent helping here either. Youd probably be better off cutting your losses and get out and find somone more suited to you and let this little boy grow up. Sorry for my answer but life is way too short to go thru playing little kid games. Good luck

Answer 9

at 23 trust me he has a high sex drive
just not with you
and if you though when you married him you were catching the Ashton Kirtcher / Demi Moore fad
well you were wrong
his aggression into the UFC ( which i also love ) channels his sex drive into a form of organized violence
and if you think he is not getting sex from somewhere else
think again
he more than likely is
most guys can repress sex, it can come in the form of porn ( as you discovered ) and masturbation following viewing
or high energy violent sports
but if the right girl comes along who does not nag
he will have sex with her
so your options
divorce
and learn you lesson
NEVER marry someone younger than you
and at 23
he does not have his head much less his life in order
What were you thinking?

Answer 10

I hate to tell you , but he may be seeing someone else. (maybe the friend). You will have to make him want you again, watch some porn by yourself to get some great pointers. Did you two fall in love or lust. Make yourself desireable to him again. Drop your ego for awhile and act like a s.l.u.t to him. Talk dirty to him (like in the poro) he may be totally turned on by that. Also go ahead and confront the friend to see if she is banging your husband. That way they will know you might be catching on to what they are doing.