do you like this poem??

Question

its titled--'silent night' and written by a 15 year old

Dark and deep stretches the night,
Silentily stilled by the pale moonlight,
Broken moonbeams fall through the leaves,
And silent dreams each life weaves.

Trees stirred by a gentle breeze,
A bird's song shatters the peace.
Then quiet reigns once more,
Tranquility seeps in through an open door.

An endless blanket of the dark,
Covered by a million sparks,
A silent light is guiding the clouds,
Swept by the wind,as if clearing all doubts.

Wisps of smoke in the air,
Tended to,with loving care,
Carried away they are by a sudden gust,
A goodbye to familiarity,now a must

A landscape so silent,yet so serene,
And then the peaks on which the sky leans,
Are kissed by a rosy glow,
The clear dawn ,beautiful and slow.

the poet is not a boy,but a girl,so it will be she not he!!!

Answer 1

Great effort!! I really like "broken moonbeams fall through the leaves" and the entire last stanza really paints a picture in my mind.

Poetry, to me, are words, set to an unheard music, that paint pictures in a way that other writing does not. If you have even one misplaced word, the music does not flow for that line as it does with the other lines.

Given that, please consider this one area:

Line 6 - song birds do not sing during the dark night. Some birds will call in the dark as a way to warn others. Try something like this:
"A bird's call shatters the peace."
"The wind tiptoes where it may please."
"An owl's hoot shatters the peace."

Thank you for posting this poem. I enjoyed reading it this morning.

Answer 2

This is a lovely poem. If this person has such talent at 15, I hope he/she keeps writing! I like the imagery; it's beautiful and really conveys an image of peaceful nighttime. I like the rhyme (I don't think rhyme is amateurish, as someone else said), especially some of the slant rhyme used (breeze/peace, clouds/doubts); slant rhyme is NOT amateurish.
There are some places where the rhythm could be reworked, but overall, very good poem!

Answer 3

Very good. Excellent word variety, excellent imagery, the words seems to flow together peacefully. Yet, I cannot help but feel that it is wee bit too sweet for my tastes. It is good, and shows talent for the age of the writer. I hope, however, that this is not there best (I personally dislike landscape description poems).

Answer 4

That is a very lovely poem. There are some minor issues that could smooth it out some, but just some very nice visual choices in the piece.

Answer 5

well, you have the rhyme every other line thing down pat. it does have some nice imagery. i would try it again without the constant rhyming. that's amateurish. here's a sample of how to not rhyme every other line:

little birdy floating on the breeze,
a steaming vat of razor sharp tentacles
field of flowers dancing with the trees
boil me in oil, suck out my eyes

(it also shows contrasting imagery) GOOD LUCK!

Answer 6

Pretty darn good for a 15-year-old...
But nothing to proud of if you're over 30...
(the poet uses every poetic cliche in the book...)
But still pretty good for a kid...
(but I'm a crappy poet, too, for over 30, so what do I know...)

Answer 7

wow, that's really good! Poetry is more about the imagery produced, and this one is really good at giving the reader a clear mental picture of the night and the dawn. It's pretty good!

Answer 8

And silent dreams each life weaves.

I would change this line to:
And silent dreams each life percieves.

Everything else is looks good to me.

Answer 9

Your poem really lets you know whats going on but at the same time is magical and its got clever wording but its not complicated! Well done.

Answer 10

This 15 year old has quite a talent. Great work!!