Don't You See
You look at me
but all you see is what you want
You don't like what I am
What I have become
You once I'll Love You FOREVER
Why did forever end
Don't you see
I do it for me, not you
As my mother I thought, surely you would understand
High hopes I guess
I thought to myself, why doesn't she care
You don't see them
The tears I cry
I try to hide them from the world
but everyone sees
Everyone except you
I tried so hard to be a good little girl
You just didn't look
Don't you see
I am still your same daughter
I just got older
smarter
You don't see
Why do I try
I just to hear from you lips
Just once more
I love you sweetie, more than the moon
Don't you see
All I want is my mommy
An Original By:
ally Cooper
2007-08-17 17:02:21 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
I see a good poem in here...but you've got too many extraneous words getting in the way. If you gave me free license to edit, this is what I'd recommend.
You look at me but see what you want
not what I am, What I've become
You said, "I'll Love You FOREVER"
Why did forever end?
Don't you see, I do it for me, not you?
A mother should understand High hopes
I thought, "why doesn't she care?"
You don't see The tears I cry
I try hiding them from the world
Yet everyone sees, except you
I try so hard to be a good little girl
But You Don't you see
I'm still the same daughter, just older, smarter...
Why do I try? just to hear
Once more from your lips
"I love you sweetie, more than the moon"
Don't you see, I still want my mommy
Very few words were changed, some were contracted, and many were removed. Read your and this one side by side and see where the changes were made. Read each one out loud and listen to the differences. All my editing suggestions attempted to do was to tighten up the lines, remove distractions and help you with focus. Even if you decide to edit differently, I wanted you to "hear" how the same poem can sound with just a little editing.
you have a good poetic voice, it just needs some practice
keep writing
2007-08-19 07:10:44 · answer #1 · answered by Kevin S 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Future,
I read this several times. There are some disconnects. But what I got I got at the end. That is to say you feel disconnected from, and want a relationship with, your mother.
I felt really sad when I got to the end.
"I just want to hear from your lips
just once more
I love you sweetie,
more than the moon.
Don't you see
all I want is my
mommy?"
Future, I am decades older than you but I still know this feeling. I don't think we ever stop wanting what we need, whatever or whoever it is.
I'm sorry she didn't look. I'm sorry she doesn't see.
Margot
2007-08-20 17:27:11 · answer #2 · answered by margot 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Not that bad. It's about mom's love ha? Great!
2007-08-18 05:27:27 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I see...
Your love is
Lovely...
Love for ever...
OK...
Your love love
Mommy...
Also one of wife...
Mommy love
Is best love ...
Father love is worst...!
Not at all...
Love forever...
What is this...
Love all and
Love your mom...
Your heart also free...
You also feel free
For love and love...
2007-08-18 03:33:54 · answer #4 · answered by otteri selvakumar 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋