What should I do if my spouse has found someone else over the internet?

Answer 1

If he he has really found someone (you're 100% sure of this and have discussed this with him) else and your relationship is essentially dead, you have few options since there's not enough emotional energy left to try counseling or pushing for behavioral change on his part. My thoughts::
** start making a life for yourself- work, friends, be less available for this relationship and more for your own wellbeing and security
** start saving money quickly and in a separate account (don't steal from the joint one!)
** talk to an attorney, immediately
** see a therapist yourself... and if he agrees, then take him and try to resolve issue and see if it can work. If he doesn't want to, then you go.
** protect you assets, quickly and wisely

As an aside, most people have a lot of learning and healing to do prior to starting a new relationship-- and then again, most people don't really know when they're ready, but are pushed into it by others or because they feel they should be out there in the action, before the lessons have been learned.

Remember, if the lessons aren't learned (i.e., what part did you play in the downfall of the marriage, what could you do differently next time, etc.), then you're doomed to repeat them in the next serious relationship.

Also remember, one reason for a higher divorce rate among 2nd and 3rd marriages is b/c the lessons weren't learned and the person's "picker (how you pick and who you pick)" is either broken of damaged.

What I've also learned is that there can be a rich life after divorce and that that life can be the deepest, most meaningful, fulfilling and powerful experience you've ever had. Fears of being alone and lonely are temporary, fleeting and will not kill you: a new relationship, if done correctly, will further heal, enrichen and give you the joy of life you were robbed of in your 1st marriage.

If you give more details-- has he seen her, is he involved already, are they in love, is this only an internet thing- we can help you mush better.

Answer 2

You need to do something that is very important.

Much of you opinion about things is based on your experiences, and the experiences of others who have interacted with you. You have learned what's what since you were born by living your life and experiencing things.

With me so far?

Your culture has determined what is food and what are pets- what is acceptable and what is not- what is a show of courage and what is a show of cowardice.

If you are religious, you have that whole set of things to deal with as well.

But I am assuming you love (or at lest loved) your spouse. I am also certain that that love was also felt by your spouse. I'll get back to that in a minute.

What your spouse is currently engaged in amounts to one of two things, basically-- either this is a lust thing where someone else is interested in fulfilling some sort of fantastical sexual image for your spouse, in which case you're all right, or this is something real, where your spouse has met a soul mate that meets his emotional needs better than anyone else he's ever met, in which case it must be taken seriously.

Remember the stuff about love? If you love someone for the healthy reasons described in Paul's letter to the Corinthians, then you can see this whole thing from a very healthy and wonderful perspective. What if it had been you that had met someone? What if you were seeing for the first time some opportunity for happiness that you never thought would again be possible?

What if your spouse were so loving that they totally understood your dilemma, and wanted nothing but your freedom to pursue such a rare and wonderful opportunity? What if your spouse said to you that they loved you to the depths of their soul, but didn't want to be the reason that you stifle your experience to the point of regret?

Keep reading! I am not talking about what you might think I'm talking about.

I am not talking about "open marriage" or any such nonsense as that. I am simply talking about this particular event and the plain facts of the matter- stripping away the cultural norms that make love mean "ownership" and other things that it doesn't mean.

I am positive that your feelings tell you that this whole thing is a condemnation of your desirability or your worth. I'm quite certain that it is nothing of the sort.

In the case of this thing your spouse is currently pursuing, if it is about a sexual fantasy, then it would depend on your ability to allow such a thing so long as it never happened again. Sex, after all, is not love. It would never be the same between you again, and your spouse would have to weigh that against the importance of a fling. It could be better, or it could be worse- neither one of you could possibly tell at this point- it would be a gamble.

If it is that this other person is a newfound kindred spirit- a soul match- then if you really and truly love your spouse, you will step back and allow this union. Love means wanting the object of your love to be truly happy.

The problem with this is that the initial magic that your spouse may feel is simply that the other person is "different", and understands things that you don't. Hilariously, what isn't known yet is whether or not the things that you understand about your spouse and put up with will be understood by this other person! That's the problem with "trading up"! Your spouse could ruin the life you two have forged thinking that things will be better because of a few sore spots your spouse might have with you that aren't sore spots with the new person- only to discover that that new person can't stand anything else about your spouse- things that you have learned not only to live with, but to actually love!

It's all a strange thing, but if you take nothing else from his post, please take this-

All of these things I've said here need to be lovingly addressed in serious conversation with your spouse. No shouting, no attacks, no judgment, nothing that isn't focused on the absolution of the problem set before you both.

Your spouse needs to consider a lot of things, and if you love your spouse, you will lovingly remind your spouse about them all, and never give in to the lie that anything about this has anything to do with your worth.

That isn't what any of it is about.

k

By the way- you are responsible for your own happiness. Some of the answers thus far include judgement and the celebration of acting in anger. Remember- anger is nothing more than poison for the one that is angry. What has happened here happens all the time- not because anyone is EVIL, but because everyone is human. You did not marry an evil person, you married a human being.

Treat your spouse like a human being, and you will be amazed at the result.

Answer 3

Internet affairs are usually based on fantasy. It's easy to be someone you really are not when it is all in type. How can you really know someone this way, much less LOVE them.

Confront your spouse and let him know what the consequences of his actions will be. That it hurts you horribly!

Make your personal boundaries known and what you can and cannot tolerate. Make your conditions clear.

Ask your spouse to join you in counseling. He may try to tell you that it's just 'the internet' and not real, that it means nothing. But, he IS talking to a real person, even if it is not based completely on reality. It IS betraying his vows and your trust.

If he wants to stay in the marriage, then he has to stop contact with any of these internet women. There maybe more than one.

Answer 4

I would think there is nothing for you to do except let your spouse have them if that is what they want. You cannot make anyone love you. If they were truly in love with you then they would not be looking on the internet for someone else...even if it was a "chance meeting" then they would not have continued it.
I would hope you want someone who loves you in return and that will be faithful to you...evidently your spouse is not that person, especially if they can do this to you.

Answer 5

if your spouse is that interested with this person over the internet than he needs to go and be with them.
Can you compete with someone you cant even see no so why keep wasteing your time worrying about it.
best of luck

Answer 6

If your wife is communicating with someone on the Internet I would tell her that you are her husband and if she wants to talk to someone you are there for her.Don't take this lightly,the Internet has destroyed many marriages.

Answer 7

Think about what you want to do, stay together or end it. Talk about it. Ask your spouse what do they want to do and go from there.

Answer 8

Tell her that you dont like what she is doing and that you feel that it is hurting your relationship. Maybe you also need to spend some quality time with her to show her that you care about her.
if it continues you may want to go to a professional counselor to discuss your situation.
Open communication without being confrontational.

Answer 9

Cancel internet and cell phone service. Move him to the couch.

Answer 10

You can go on line to 'On line infidelity' and get a lot of info on the subject.