Need help!?

Question

I'm probably making more of a big deal then it actually is but, I remarried about 2 years ago and have a 16 year old stepdaughter that has her mom wrapped around her finger.

Everynight and I mean Everynight, when my wife gets home from work, she has my wife drive her and her friends all over town (mall, restaurant gatherings, pick friends up, take home...Not to even mention the weekends) I made a comment to my wife that it would be nice if the parents of all the other friends could at least once in a while either take them or pick them up rather than my wife or I doing both. This hit a nerve with my wife and that she doesn't mind doing this, but I can tell that's she is physically run down. My stepdaughter out of the group is the "activity planner" so's she first to call us. I get home 3 hours before my wife during the work week and I commute them at least 3-4 days a week, so my real issue is if I'm tired on having to do this 3-4 days, why isn't my wife?

There are a lot of good comments out there. I appreciate the feedback. Since I ran out of room in my original post, I didn't have the space to give a little background info. I have a 25 year old daughter & 19 year old son (who have moved out) and my wife also has a 19 year old son (that's away at college) as well as the 16 year old I am talking about. I made it clear with my kids (early on) that I would gladly transport them and their friends, but would expect the friends parents to share the responsibility and it worked. I have tried to lay down the same rule, but my wife & stepdaughter are not adhering to it. I haven't pushed it enough, since I was relying on my wifes support and I'm not getting it. That's what my frustration is. My 19 year old stepson has been home for summer break from college, and it's so funny, he just came into the living room asking where his mom is. I turned around to respond & he said "Is she taking my sister and her friends somewhere?" I laughed!

Oh and yes, her friends are also over here constantly. That's usually my role from 3:00 on. Pick up her friends and transport them back to our house until my wife comes home to transport them to whererever.

Answer 1

Oh, man, I feel for you! I married a woman and inherited a step-daughter and my wife bent over backwards for her like you wouldn't believe (well, maybe YOU would). My step-daughter constantly took advantage of her and it used to make me SO mad. Just like your wife, though, my wife would get defensive when I pointed it out. I honestly think that what it is is that the mother thinks she has somehow let her daughter down by not being with her daughter's father, so she tries to make it up to her by being her doormat.

Hang in there. She's 16, so just be nice and try not to antagonize anyone. My step-daughter moved out a little over a year ago when she was 20. You'd be amazed how having to pay her own bills and see what it's like to have to face adult responsibilities has improved her attitude!

Answer 2

You have a good point. Let all the parents contribute. Your wife probably sees this as a means to separate her and her daughter. Reassure her you are suggesting what you are to help alleviate the stress so she can spend more time with your family and that you are not trying to drive a wedge between the two of them. Also, talk with your stepdaughter and let her know about this proposal and have her feel included in this family affair. That will bolster the cohesion and I think help your wife feel more at ease with your fair suggestion.

Answer 3

I feel for you. I also am married to a man with two daughters. Luckily the elder one has been driving on her own with her own car since I have known my husband but the issue is the younger one. She is 16 (17 in October) and expects my husband to drive her to and from everywhere with all her friends but she does not have the grace to say thank you or even suggest that another parent does this. Unfortunately the child's mother seems to think that ferrying kids around is only for the father and shirks her responsibilities in this respect.

The younger one has made it quite clear that she has no wish to learn to drive yet which is creating another problem. She depends heavily on my husband who sometimes cannot take her where and when she wants which means that I have to step up to the plate. I object.

Good luck in resolving this issue - wish I could find a tactful way of getting the daughter in question to learn how to drive.

Answer 4

well, even if she is run down, there is a plus here. she gets to keep an eye on her daughter, and we all know what kind of mischeif 16 year olds can get into. we were all there, and glad it's over, but it doesn't change. if she is the one shuttling them around, then she sees the friends, gets an idea of what kind of kids these are, and where they will be at. also, after she drops the other kids off, she gets a little mother/daughter time in. she gets to catch up on what went on, how much fun her daughter is having, and an indication of where her life is headed. if you have a problem with this, it's probably best to keep it to yourself. she's doing what she feels is right for her kid, and at least she knows her kid. there's a lot of parents out there, and you can bet at least one of the friends has a parent like this, who isn't involved and doesn't know what is going on in that teen's life. if she seems to be falling by the wayside and putting her issues on the back burner to let the kids come before her and her health, then it's time for intervention, but until then, just let it ride. your wife is probably enjoying it, no matter how tired she is!

Answer 5

it's a question of priorities.

Your wife is prioritizing the additional time with her daughter, and it's possible some of it may be guilt based because she is not an 'at home' mom.

If she is that hyper responsive to guilt, the last thing you want to do is 'guilt' her from your side too. Let her burn herself out enough that she takes a stand, or let her enjoy the last couple of years before her daughter leaves for college.

If the alternative to driving your daughter around is to stay home and watch tv, don't expect her to choose that. If you want to challenge her to spend more time with you, occasionally make plans to 'date' her. If she misses a fun date with you to chauffer, it will make her more likely to prioritize differently.

Answer 6

She probaby is, but I'm sure she knows how important all theses activities are for your stepdaughter. A social life is the world to a girl her age. But it does seem as though she is being taken advantage of if the other parents never provide rides. It may be easier for your wife if she offeres one way rides, a "I will drive you there or back but not both" deal. But if she is 16 there wont be much longer of this your stepdaughter should be able to drive herself soon.

Answer 7

Well, you guys have some issues and you really need to talk about it and come to some sort of an accord.

Firstly, you need to understand that as the step father, you are new to an existing relationship. And there are existing family dynamics that you have to deal with.

You may be unhappy that your wife seems to be controlled by your step-daughter. She seemingly is not phased by this and not tired out by all the activity.

You are burned out by your commute and you'd like to have some more of your wife's attention.

Well, you married into this so you must have known about it.

Perhaps if you ask you wife what her secret is about not being tired, it can help you. Otherwise, I think you need to buck up and help out. You are lucky to have a family.

Answer 8

I think you need to sit your wife and step-daughter down for a family meeting. Tell them it's got to stop and have your wife set some boundaries for her daughter, no kid needs to go out and socialize everyday...give me a break

Answer 9

She probably is tired but doesn't know how to tell your step daughter. You and your wife should sit down and come up with a solution and stick to it.

Answer 10

Stop babying the kid, Neutron. There's a reason why the other parents aren't taking them all over the countryside. They have you guys!! Stop making like a couple of taxi drivers. Then the other parents can 'step up to the plate'.