Is it never a choice to be gay?

Question

I was with men until a little over a year ago. I considered myself straight. Now I have no attraction towards men what so ever.
A year ago I fell head over heels in love with a woman. I chose to be with a woman, I'm choosing to continue to have a relationship with her.

So, why do you say people can't choose to be gay?

I really just wanted someone to bring up the denial thing. I just needed a little reinforcement today that denial is an ugly thing. Since I came out as a lesbian (i knew i always was) I have certain members of my family telling me "you were with guys before, you're straight, it's just a phase" I just wanted the power of denial to be reinforced to me. THANKS GUYS!

one more thing...i didn't choose to fall in love with her. i finally accepted that it was "okay" to fall in love with her, and to get over the denial.

Answer 1

You say you now have no attraction to men...
So, are you saying you could CHOOSE to be attracted to men now?
But you decided consciously to stop having urges towards men, not that circumstances or natural chemistry made you feel more attracted to women?
Just from your statement I get the impression that you CHOSE to be with a woman BECAUSE you now "feel" more attracted to them, did you choose to feel that way, or did it happen in spite of what you may have wanted...And how can someone tell the difference anyway?

Answer 2

Can you, or would you, "choose" to be straight "again"? Would you be capable of having a meaningful, fulfilling relationship with a man again? If not, it seems likely that you've been bisexual or even a lesbian all along but did not recognize it until a year ago. It's not that unusual; society teaches us to suppress that which is different, and gays and lesbians were all but invisible (and usually villified when they were not) until a few years ago.

When it's all said and done, though, whether it's a choice or not is irrelevant. Society cannot morally justify punishing or rewarding individuals based on whether or not they subscribe to certain religious beliefs. Unless your actions impose on the rights of others, and sexuality doesn't, you cannot be punished for them. And religion is most definitely a "choice".

Answer 3

You are what you are. That is not a choice. Straight or gay, male or female...you don't choose who you are attracted to, you just know, and feel, that you are.

Coming to know your true self isn't a choice either. But it is a process. Quick and seemingly easy for some; long and arduous for others. And the answers we find along that path aren't always as black and white as we might like. It is not at all uncommon for strictly straight people to have at least one same-sex experience, especially during their early sexual formation. Certainly many gay people will "transition" from straight to gay in a bisexual environment. Others just always know that they will be exclusively gay. And some are comfortable living as bisexuals all their lives.

But we do make choices. We choose whether or not to accept out true selves. We choose whether to stay in the closet or come out. We choose how completely we will be out and to whom. We choose the manner in which we will express our true selves, at least to some degree.

Every life is full of choices. But some things just are what they are...regardless of the reason.

Answer 4

"A year ago I fell head over heels in love with a woman."
You didn't choose to, I am assuming. You said you choose to continue a relationship with her. BIG difference. ("ex gays" are still gay, just denying their feelings, they aren't "choosing to be straight") You are choosing to have a relationship with the person you are attracted to. You are not denying that you have feelings towards the same-sex, but I doubt you choose the feelings.

Answer 5

Did you choose to fall in love with her? Did you just see some random woman and say "I choose to love her right this minute?" or did the realization that you are gay come upon you?

If you did simply choose to be gay she must feel so special that you happened to be looking at her when you decided to be gay. It must make her feel all warm and fuzzy that anyone else walking by could have gotten the same attention from her and that there is nothing special about her.

Answer 6

So? I went out with a girl before also considering myself straight. I thought I was attracted to her I liked hanging with her ,but I realized it wasn't love just a good friendship. I know now that I'm gay and I had no choice.

EDIT: btw why don't you just choose to be straight? I mean its that easy according to you.

Answer 7

People change all the time. Some women choose to be gay in their 30's, others like Anne Heche turn straight after being with a woman for years.

Face it, sex feels good.

Answer 8

Everyone has choice for what they do, even life and death. (You usally fall in love with someone that makes you feel good about yourself. How many people have you fallen in love with that made you feel like ****?) But they want to I can't control what I do or how I feel, it called self denial so they can feel OK about themselves. Go with what you feel and let God or your own self worth figure out what you think is good for you. Free Will can be a ***** sometimes but we all have it.
Remember you are who you want to be in this world don't let people with small minds box you in.

Answer 9

I suppose some people can choose whatever lifestyle they want. I think the choice was made for a lot of us from birth.

Answer 10

I can only speak for me and for me its not a choice.
But if your stating you chose to be with her and have a relationship with her,Did you also choose to fall inlove with her?or did it just happen?

Also do you feel at some point you might "choose"to be with a man again?If so then your not a lesbian your bi.