Why am I finding it difficult to listen to others when they have supposedly listened to me?

Question

My sister and brother are in a tiff with me because they think I am not listening to them and become abusive when they push their point. I find that they are not listening to me even though I present evidence about the abuse by my x and also my childhood, and that it was not my fault. They dont seem to hear that point and keep on with theirs, that I should have gone back to them because I was the abuser. Now grant it, I did verbally abuse my mom after she did so much pyschological damage to my brother sis and dad, and I just wanted her to stop. I want to be fair to my bro and sis and listen to them, because they say it is abusive if I do not but for some reason, I just want to blow them away with words again and cannot listen to their reality. They consider this abuse and it is verbal anger I think about them wanting me to accept their positiion even,I have information which differs from theirs. They think I am the original abuser of mom and als them, x, Iget nowhere. &freak out

Answer 1

The weird commonality between suffers of past abuse is that the hardest people to convince about the impact these events have had on them are family members...the people whose understanding and validation they desire the most. Everyone has their own "take" on events that transpired and the significance those events hold. If that's true for most situations in general, it is doubly true of emotionally-charged, family-related matters. Through a veil of your own pains it is difficult to be an effective listener, because the pain causes you to be in a defensive mode contemplating what you are going to say next during a conversation rather than processing what is actually being said. That is why you are finding it difficult to listen to them at that point in time. There are things people can do to learn to be effective listeners; listening is a skill, and like any other skill it can be learned. But that's not really what's going on with you right now. The deeper issue left unresolved is the abuse, and the fact that there are so many divergent positions on the same series of events that you almost feel "abused" again by not getting the validation you're seeking. You can rehash this subject with these people until you're blue in the face and never make any progress toward resolving anything in this setting because the emotions will always be too raw for either side to "hear" each other. If the situation is resolvable at all it will be through impartial outside mediation who will assist you in hearing the other's side without the talk deteriorating into chaos. That's at times a painful process, too, but the counselling is well worth the effort because you and your siblings will be family for life. Good luck to you all.

Answer 2

Who the abuser in your relationship was may be a matter of opinion which no one but you and your x can decide since no one else is privy to all the information. We all see things from our own point of view and feel we are right. They are not going to change that. There is that possibility that you are right. Either way going back to him isn't going to work with that between you. Tell your brother and sister it ain't going to happen and stop talking about it. When they bring it up just tell them you don't want to hear it . If they insist, leave and tell them you'll be back when they can get out of your business.

Answer 3

Listening is an art.! Cultivate the habit. it yields good result