I don't even know what this was...?

Question

Last night I went out with my boyfriend, his best friend, and two of my friends. We had a few drinks, but weren't drunk - just hanging out and talking.

What got me, was that he seemed to be kind of ignoring me - and paying more attention to everyone else. He probably thought he was being polite to them, but I just felt kind of ignored. Not to an extreme degree, but just kind of - there.

He went back to his place and I went back to mine (his best friend's car was at his house and the friend needed it) - we got on the phone after a bit, and I was feeling just 'expressive' enough to mention that that had bothered me. He said that he hadn't noticed that, etc. etc., and would talk to me today about it - I guess the friend was still there. I just feel really weird about the situation. It felt like I was kind of an 'extra' in the outing, and it bothered me - he didn't even notice. Am I out of line here? What should I say when I talk to him?

My two friends were a guy and a girl, and his best friend is a guy. Just fyi.

Answer 1

If something like this is occurring, you're best off saying something WHILE it is happening. As such, the situation will still be fresh in both of your minds, and you can also resolve the situation before it becomes big enough to cause resentment on either part. As was, you didn't say anything until after the fact, so you've no right to be angry at him--just in case.

In any event, IMMEDIATE, total and complete communication is 100% necessary in order to have a true relationship. Work on that; if something is bothering you, don't judge it--think it over a bit and see if it's a problem with you instead of him, and if you conclude that it isn't then speak with him immediately. Things unsaid are always more damaging than things said, because they are effectively lies.

When you speak with him, first tell him you aren't angry at him--because you didn't tell him it was bothering you--and then go over what it was you felt he was doing and how it made you felt. Be open to what he says--he might have just not realized you were feeling this way, and there's nothing wrong with that; he couldn't know and couldn't be expected to know unless you told him.

Anyway, remember that there should be no such thing as suddenly 'feeling expressive' with your partner; rather, you should ALWAYS be expressive with your partner. If you are not always expressive, it is likely because you are insecure about sharing some parts of yourself with him, and you should try to figure out what that's about. There should be no secrets in a relationship--that's the best way.

Answer 2

You aren't out of line. You may have felt something that he may not have even noticed or realized but you are 100% right to let him know. I think too many people hold it in when they are upset and choose to let it slide when all it causes is build up of unsolved isses. I think honesty is the absolute the most important thing in a relationship and that you should never discount your feelings and decide to forget about it. He should know you were getting a bad vibe from the situation and that you felt like an extra. He can then say he had no idea and make a more concious effort to appreciate your presence next time or explain to you why he was distant. Just let him know you felt ignored and don't want to make a big deal out of it but just felt a little sad that he seemed to enjoy the company of others so much more than yours. Explain that you are just making sure everything went okay last night and that he enjoyed your company. I don't see a problem with that...if you say it in a nonconfrontational way, I doubt he will either.

Answer 3

Weird you would ask this because I have been going through the same thing. My guy is a great person so I almost feel guilty for complaining or mentioning this on here. Alot of times when we go anywhere he does the same to me. Example we recently went to a small local outdoor concert where we knew alot of people there. We got there around 4:00 and he really only spoke to me twice in like 10 hours.
When we finally met back up late everyone gathered around one campsite and I told him my legs were getting tired from standing so long. Three minutes later he goes over, grabs a chair, takes it on the other side of the fire and sits down. It really embarrassed me cause a guy friend of ours was standing there and I could tell he felt bad for me. He ended up walking back to his camp and bringing me a chair. I didn't say anything to my guy about how he made me feel, then the next day he starts telling me he saw all the guys that approached me at the party and tried to make it out like I was at fault. I hadn't done nothing and tried to explain that they probably saw me without a guy and assumed I was there alone. His fault. I feel weird complaining about this kind of stuff but it happens all the time and I can't seem to get it through his head. I don't want him up my a** all the time either but I wish he would realize that I'm not the only one who notices. Guys tell me all the time things like, "Wish you were my girl, I sure wouldn't leave you standing by yourself" then he'll end up coming over and saying something like, "Sit down, the guys behind you are staring at your a**." then walk away. He is not a cheater or player, so I don't understand.

Answer 4

Well it depends if your two friends are girls or not. If they are and he was just paying attention to them and his best friend then I would feel a little aggravated. YOu should be able to hang out together with your friends and not feel threatend or neglected. Even though he probably just felt like he was entertaining company you should have been included in that.

Answer 5

I would wait to hear his excuse for behaving like a jacka** and then light in to him. There is NO excuse for ignoring you. Tell him exactly how you feel and let him know that next time the two of you go out he should pay a little more attention to you or he can go fly a kite.

Answer 6

I don't think you are out of line. If something bothers you, bring it to his attention. He will never know if you don't say anything. Just let him know that you felt a little neglected. I wish you the best of luck!!

Answer 7

I can only relate to how me an my husband are when we go out with friends. Yes, we are all together, but we do tend to talk more to our friends than we do each other. I guess becasue we live together (understating you don't) and we spend so much time together, when we're with our friends we tend to shift our focus to the friends. I wouldn't say he ignores me or I ignore him, we are just socializing with our friends.

Answer 8

Tell him you were hurt (p****d off, rejected, ignored etc) with the way he treated you.

If he is put out by your comments then he is no good for you.

Typical male thing to ignore the gf and pretend nothing was wrong.

Answer 9

You have a right to your feelings and your feelings are neither right or wrong. Just tell him honestly how you feel. No one can tell you what to say, that's something that has to come from your heart. Hope this helps and good luck.

Answer 10

It's not a reason to scream and yell about but you need to tell him how you feel. He was rude in my opinion and if he can't see it and it bothers you I'd find someone new who does care.