How much hurt should one take in the name of friendship :) ?

Question

Thank you for your answer! :)

Have a wonderful day/night! :)

Thank you so much for your answers, so far :) , and sorry about the thumbs down, they're not from me.

((((Gazpacho))))

Hugs to you all!! Thank you so much for your wonderful answers!! :)

Answer 1

Friendship is a two-way relationship, and in this issue as in everything, communication is key.
Does your friend know that they're hurting you? Have you let them know - in so many words, because some of us are not so good at 'reading the signals' from others, and it's not because we're bad, we're just short-sighted - ?
If they don't know that their words or actions are hurting you, I think you should tell them and give them the chance of reconsidering or changing their attitude, or asking for your forgiveness.
If they are aware that they're hurting you... well, 1) if they're really your friends, they must be suffering for that too, because they love you. In such a case you both deserve to have a good chat, be honest and communicate, and then decide: if your mutual friendship is hurting you both, then maybe it's time to see each other less if you want to keep the loving feelings and memories between you.
And 2) If they still don't care, they're not your friends. I know it will hurt you {hug} but you need to stay away from that type of relationship.

Answer 2

My dear Moon, "should?" Or is it, can, or will, depending on YOU, the friendship & the circumstances. I feel like I'm perhaps at the place of this question--& honestly, I'm not yet certain. Within the last two months, a friend I've known for a very long time has actually hurt me! (I thought I was so stoic, &/or understanding I could never be hurt!) What a surprise. Three hurtful, thoughtless things in two months. I've always believed it's vastly important to CLARIFY at the moment of misunderstanidng before memories are convoluted, or the "thing" festers beyond resolve. That's what I tried to do the first time, without reproach or judgment. She denied everything I could confirm (with my steel trap memory!) & without any reason from me, was extremely defensive. The second time, she again denied, & "vaunted" her virtues. But this third time was so crushing, I've not been able to speak to her at all. I'm not READY. I've been reflecting on how, over many years, we HAVE been friends, but she has always seemed unable (unwilling?) to communicate. What I'm trying to say, is that I believe (for me) it's best now to give this some distance. To reflect on the up side & the down side of all these years, & perhaps I can make a final decision?
The most difficult thing is the "mix" of her thoughtfulness & her indifference. I don't want to lose the "friend" in her, but was she really ever a friend?
I sort through all her kindness, & the times she let me down when my life was at stake. I sort & sort. One could simplistically say that if someone hurts you over & over, they were never truly a friend. It's so much more complex than that! Some of us have more tolerance than others. We try to understand. When is the line drawn?
I'm rather a tough cookie, but this last thing was so blatant, I just haven't come to terms. She knows it. She leaves messages, like, "How much sugar do you like in the plum brandy I'm making you?" If this is her way of making amends, it isn't working. I don't answer. TIME. I need time to balance the scales so I won't do something I regret. You've gotten so many beautiful & thoughtful answers. I rambled only to make the point--that I'm being silent, & keeping distance so I can hopefully, make MY decision with as much feeling & fact as I can give it. It is NOT easy!

Answer 3

As much as it takes. Friendship is a form of love (Philea) and love has no boundaries. Someday you will be the one causing someone else pain and you will not want any limit imposed on you. If you can't handle the pain yourself, spread it around. Bring in a capable support group and gang up on this person. Love that pain to death if that's what it takes. Friendship is also the art of networking, believe it or not! That's why nobody should have just one friend. If it's time to effect a change in someone's life, don't ever do it alone. A surgeon has a team beside him or her, to wipe that brow, hand the tool, administer the anesthesia, and even to close the patient after the work is done and those hands are shaking with the effort. Why deny yourself the same advantages a surgeon enjoys? Assemble your team, assign roles, and drive that pain into the light of day where it cannot stand the sunlight, and will be forced to shrivel and die. Hope this helps.

Answer 4

Forgiving is necessary for your well being, but if there is a pattern of this friend causing you pain, the relationship may have become toxic, in which case you are the only one to determine when enough is enough. I do suggest talking to them and trying to get to the root of the problem. If you are unable to come to terms, then part in love, and let them know the door is open if they have a change of heart. You did not give a lot of detail as to the depth or length of the friendship. If it is a long and intimate friendshop, your friend may be going through something and taking their frustration out on you, feeling that is a safe outlet. If this is the case, confronting will either cause them to see their behavior as hurtful, and possibly stop. They may also stay away if you attempt this head on method of dealing with the problem. Be prepared for the outcome.

Answer 5

Well Moon, I guess it won't hurt to wash down a spoonful of hurt with a glassful of tolerance and forgiveness, especially the one holding the spoon is someone we are close to.

To feel emotionally hurt is an indication that we care; and caring is a very human emotion.

But then it is always good that we analyze the hurt; sometimes it could be from miscommunication or misunderstanding between you, sometimes the hurt inflicted was unintentional and sometimes even for our own good.

But if that friend persistently and intentionally hurts you, then I believe you need to step back and reconsider the situation, if you still want to subject yourself to this abuse and light disregard of your friendship.

So I guess you need to know what your prescriptions are, Moon. Be careful not to overdose yourself with anything. A spoonful is alright once in a while, but not too much if it will only knock you out cold for several days...

Answer 6

Hurt feelings must not be considered as a benchmark of friendship. Friends must be friends for better and for worst. True friends are those who will be there beside you in times of needs. If you have been hurt by your friend you must know how to forgive. That's what a true friend is. After all, each one of you have been known for a long time and much could be said to each other. But this must not be used to make a disgrace on one's friendship. There must have been a pact between you whatever your life may be in the future. That's what friendship is all about.

Answer 7

In an ideal friendship: none.
In a so-called friendship: none.
In a half-way decent friendship: some- but not very much.
In a mutual friendship: as much hurt as it takes to help "each other" over
those humps and bumps of life's woes
and love's constant challenges.
However; if it's the friend who's causing the hurt then they really aren't your friend anyhow.

Answer 8

Tolerance, tolerance for pain. Some man you just can’t reach. So you get what we had here last week. Now I don’t like it any more then you do. “Forgive, forget, or forsake” that’s all we can do. Personally it is more about trust then friendship. Doesn’t need trust for friendship. Well it’s that twisted trust. Its not like we don’t trust them it’s that we trust them to do what their not supposed to. Doesn’t mean we have ill will towards them. Doesn’t mean we wont talk to them or be nice to them. We’ll still be their friend. We’ll be there for them even though we know they will not be there for us. All they have to do is ask. Wont volunteer any more. Wont call anymore. Wont make plans. Just not going to put any effort into them unless they ask. Has a hard time saying no when they ask, especially if it is a reasonable request.

Answer 9

Hello again, Friendship, what a beautiful word... it's something i cherish very much and hold dear to my heart. I have "levals" of friends. (and yes, there are) we all want that kind of "special friend" (male and/or female) and hopefully more than one will be wonderful. I had a friend like that. He was my truly best friend. but in the beginning, he really didn't know how to be a real one, so, i had to be a friend back and let him know if he was getting off balance with me, or hurting my feelings, or his wifes, and we would talk for hours about things. he was a good friend to me too. he also would let me know when i was getting "off kilter"so to speak. and we rubbed each other the right way. and we became more "polished" in our relationship,closer and our friendship matured and grew. we had ups and downs, but because we were "friends" we worked it out-the right way, and this led to many years of wonderful memories i will never forget. true friendship, is almost compared to a linking of the hearts, you might call it "soul mates" like crockadile dundee, "me and God, we be mates!" that was very simular to me and my friend, we were mates. now, other levals of friends, are "close aquaints" they are not as near to your heart. mind you, they are good people, and deserve your love and respect but... not as close, even though you treat all the same...others, well, they come over and socialize or call you on the phone, maybe even have a bbq once in a while, or you see them at church or shopping and say hi, but in all cases, you can't "make" anybody your friend. just as you can't make anybody marry you, with all my friends, i am not a door mat, a kicking post, or a whipping boy. and i am friend enough to let them know i do not like to be treated like that also, what friend wouldn't? besides, if they "shunt" you, they probably weren't your friend in the first place...lol....lol...

Answer 10

I can't answer this question for you, Moon. It's an individual thing. Some aren't willing for any and some will endure a lifetime. A question to ask yourself... is it friendship if it is causing so much pain?

And you wrap yourself up in a wonderful day/night. The rest of us wish it for you.