Opinions please on "When Mommy Cries" (dark subject matter, be forewarned!)?

Question

Stormy heart, blackened eyes.
Home torn apart under rainy skies.
Little one asks, "Why does Mommy cry?"
Big sister's answer, "I don't know why."
Yet Mommy stays and tells herself lies.
"It will get better." But still Mommy cries.

Stormy night. "No more," Mommy said.
Home torn apart, and now Mommy's dead.
They took Daddy away
from where she had bled.
Little one asks, "Why did Mommy die?"
Big sister's answer, "I don't know why,
but now Daddy's gone and Mommy won't cry."

Answer 1

dark subject matter to be sure. what sadness you have in your heart to let these words flow? some deep wounds? coz nobody can make such poetry without having xperienced such intense emotion. i do hope for your sake that im wrong in this matter?

as for the poem, im lost for words. its seems like a work of a genius. from a person too mature and experienced in the matters of life. (and death)
i caanot say it is nice or beautiful. it is something beyond all these words.

i feel a strange peace at the end of your poem .." ..and mommy won't cry".

Answer 2

This is actually a pretty good poem. Just a few editing suggestions.

try, "Big sister answers, "I don't know why"
otherwise it should be, "Big sister's answer: "I don't know why"...and I think the first option is more natural.

try, "Things will get better", but Mommy still cries

in the next stanza, try

Stormy night. "No more!" Mommy said.
Home torn apart, Mommy lies dead
And they took away Daddy
From where she had bled
Little one asks, "Why'd Mommy die?"
Big sister answers, "I don't know why,
But now Daddy's gone, Mommy won't cry."

These are just grammatical corrections that might make the poem flow a little more naturally...and they certainly do not change the tone or the message.

The poem is dark, but exceptionally moving...nicely done.

Answer 3

no one knows that - never every person in this internet site. Scientists have calulated that there's no longer adequate seen mass interior the universe to hold each and every thing at the same time - gravity for sure desires a definite quantity of mass, and there would not seem to be adequate. additionally, that is taking off to look that Einstein could have been good to have reported a "cosmological consistent" with a view to counterbalance gravity and give up each and every thing falling at the same time in a brilliant crunch. He hated the assumption of a universe that wasn't in a "stable state" and, on account that relativity appeared to foretell this, he got here up along with his "cosmological consistent" thought, later calling it the biggest blunder of his occupation. satirically, he will possibly no longer have been that extensive of the mark after all - and darkish capability & count could be taking part in this sort of function interior the universe. however the actuality is that, if it exists, that is in a sort at the instant unknown and is hence something which could no longer be right away detected so can't be experimented on. I even tend to suspect, even with the incontrovertible fact that, that that is no longer the "hand of God" or something of a non secular nature, no count what your barking mad pastor could could desire to assert on the subject.

Answer 4

Very sad, very lovely. What I like most about this poem is the simple rhyme scheme and meter. It is consistent with your little girl speaker. Two stanzas and your reader is there with you, staring at the blood stains, tear stains, the confusion and bewilderment on the little one's face.

Answer 5

I loved it!Hope it's not autobiographical.Sorry if it is.Very well written and flows perfectly.Oh, what a wonderful read.I write dark poetry myself.you should check them out.All of them are very dark.You might enjoy them.

Answer 6

Pretty good nice flow and nice meter.

Answer 7

very well-written, vey sad as well