Should I tell her?

Question

I've been married to a woman I truly do love and cherish for about a year now. On a recent business outing I did something, extracuricular that I am regretting now. I had sex with a man. I'm not gay, I was simply curious and exploring my boundaries but I can't even justify it to myself that way. I feel guilty as ever now, but I don't know if I should tell her. I do not want her to think of me as gay, because that was a definite eye opener to myself that I am not. I will never do it again (did not enjoy it), nor would I ever do it with another woman. Yet I still feel incredibly guilty. I'm afraid that telling her will ruin our relationship, but holding it in will weigh on my conscience for the rest of my life. I am truly regretful, but I'm in a predicament now. I need help and suggestions. What would you do, or how would you react? Is it cheating or just experimenting? And the big question; do I tell her? Any ideas welcome. Thank you!

Answer 1

Hi

This is a truly tricky predicament.

First, you should go get yourself checked for STDs.- before having anymore intimate relations with her.

If you picked up anything( AIDS,HEP..)
then passed it on to her... Well, you can imagine the impact it would have.

Find a counselor or religious counselor and have a one on one.

If you can make a promise with God and yourself never ever to do this again - and keep it... Don't say a word.

Here's why..

It's devastating to know your spouse had sex with the same gender. It's a slam against your sexual credibility.

Once the seed is planted, your marriage will take a disastrous turn.

She will be in a constant struggle to trust you from here on out.

Whether it was a man or woman - it was cheating.

I have been where she is and I cannot tell you how devastating it was to find out. I could never trust him. The worst part was the fact my hubby had intimate relations with my hairdresser ..

However,
If you pursue it again, then you need to get together with a marriage counselor, sit her down and tell her the truth. She deserves that much respect.

Answer 2

WOW !

You got yourself into a big jam.

If I was still married and my husband told me that he slept with another man, that would gross me out tremendously! I would not have the ability to say anything to that one and would more than likely tell him to sleep on the blasted couch for a long while.
This type of news would take some serious soaking in and not knowing your wife's personality, it is difficult to say tell her or not tell her.
Yes this is cheating, sex is sex. It does not matter if it was experimental or not, it is still cheating. That is like saying you were curious to sleep with another woman that was totally different than your wife and acted upon it. It is the exact same thing!
I am sure you have the resources. Therefore, go discuss this one with a counselor so that you can have a verbal discussion with another human being. Get feedback in that fashion.
As for telling your wife, you know her better than anyone on here. Therefore, you need to weigh how she will react to this type of news. Wow... Then again, keeping it from her is just as bad as the cheating. What a pickle you got yourself into. I honestly feel for your wife when she does find out.. That is one thing to remember and I just stated this elsewhere on here...... Women always find out the truth! It is better the truth come from you than another source. Just some food for thought.

Answer 3

I think you need to go to a therapist first and talk it out first. Find out the whys and get some of that pain out. I think honesty is important. With that said telling her would make you feel better, but how would it make HER feel. Would it ease your guilt and bring her pain? If it was a mistake and you do love her, I would work out my feelings with a therapist before. You might find it is something you can live with.Also hopefully you were safe and won't give her anything. If that is a possibility then honesty is your only decision. I made out with a woman while i was married one time. It truely was a mistake and something I have never told my husband in 7 years. I never will. I don't want to EVER cause him pain. Good luck with your choice.

Answer 4

My lord...what have you gotten yourself into. Do you attend church? If so you need to speak to your pastor. The affair was a horrible thing ok, but what's going to kill it right out of the ball park is that it was with another man. I plead with you to go to your dr and have std tests taken....this is a must. Protect your family and specifically your wife. Do this for her. Call the health department and ask for an annoynomus site. Ok? That's first. Next prayer. And lots of it, cuz you may say that you'd never do it again, but you must realize that the seed has been planted...through your actions. You feel guilty today but later it will be something different, cuz you didn't get caught and it was something different. Those voices are going to start dealing with you in regards to this matter. The bible strictly says that we are to confess our sins to one another...so telling her is a must. You don't know this guy or do you, and what he is capable of. If she finds out via another source, guess what? That's 2 lies instead of one now. You have to tell her, and avoid sexual contact with her until you get your results back. Her reaction? Man she's going to burn the house down....seriously...I would....but you know her much better than we do, I can only attest to my reaction...you know?
Good luck Sir...

Answer 5

It was sex with another human being other than your wife right? Yes it was cheating. Regardless if you are Bi, homosexual or straight doesn't matter. If you tell your wife about that fling, 1) You will be admitting that you cheated, 2) She could think that she made a terrible mistake marrying you and could lead to further problems if she doesn't leave you and 3) She will probably still look at you as if you ARE gay! I vote for keeping your mouth shut and never being so trashy as to cheat on her again.

Answer 6

you have your answer, if you don't want to ruin your relationship then Do Not tell is that simple and live with your mistake of having those ridiculous gay adventures. Or you can tell and ruin the relationship because for someone to understand what you did and then forgive is a fantasy and we live in a realistic world. good luck

Answer 7

if you truly love this women then you would be honest with her,
regardless of the reason that you did it, that something that
you cant not keep a secret. i dont know if you are gay or not
but there something going on. and you need to deal with
it. but honestly is the best policy.

Answer 8

Hard thing to answer. Some things to consider. Will this secret eventually destroy you or your relationship? Would you want her to keep a similar secret from you? Any advice can be dangerous, what does your heart tell you to do?

Answer 9

For God's sake, please do not tell us that you have children!

Ok, let's start. First, do not tell her. Suck up the guilt and carry it to the grave if you want to remain married.

Second. accept the fact that you are a homosexual, and seriously think about being honest with yourself about this fact.

If you can be honest with yourself about this fact, then leave you wife so that she may one day find love with a heterosexual man that will remain true to his marriage vows.

Answer 10

I just can consider a female as an object to be admired, to be worshipped. Therefore, I cannot understand this kind of experiment.