What do you do when you walk in on your wife crying and you know it's because of you?

Question

We've gone through a lot and I believe our relationship is in complete disrepair.
I have done somethings in the past that make her question my love & loyalty to her. I haven't been unfaithful but I've lied about trivial things that I thought she would get upset about but she found them & it has created a mess. She claims the only reason she got mad was that I lied & hid things from her and now shes left questioning everything.
About 8 mo ago she told me she needed more than just the routine ILU's and XOXO to make her feel secure. I feel as though I shouldn't be the only one giving but she claims her kissing me wouldn't give her security.
Things have since gotten worse. In the past 4 mo We've told each other we love each other once, kissed once, & had sex once. She's always pissed at me, no longer wants to do anything with me, sleeps on the couch and now I find her after we go to bed on the kitchen floor crying. She told me to go to a hell and she left to take a walk. IDK what 2do.

The lies weren't horrible. She met me in college I had a huge stash of porn, she knew this and it didn't seem to bother her as we started dating. i deleted the porn off my computer in front of her as if, according to her, I no longer needed porn. three years later she discovered hidden files on a new computer of porn things I had stashed away. She was hurt and pissed because I made her feel I was different a guy who didn't need porn and then this was bombarded on her. She doesn't understand why I hid them and why I was lying to her.

The other major thing was that when I went off to training and had to leave her and my son behong, I hung out with some single people both M&F. I introduced her to two of the F and she claimed she got an awkward vibe from them.

10 months later same day she found the porn she demanded my e-mail password and saw I was e-mailing 1 of the girl. I kept all th e-mails and she got mad she was never mentioned by me or her. I told her she was a friend but ..

Answer 1

You can start by never lying to her and giving her some attention and love. You've known for quite a while that she doesn't trust you and you just let it get worse. You don't know what to do? Or you don't want to bother? You caused her distrust and now you have to gain her trust back. Or end it, it's up to you. You call that not horrible? WRONG!!!!! You hurt her to the core, make up for it or be gone.

Answer 2

It seems that your wife is at the stage where she will NOT discuss anything with you because she will not believe one darn thing that comes out of your mouth.
Try some marriage counseling. A counselor will help you both get the deeper feelings out and the deeper fears out. I am sure that your wife is thinking that you are cheating and such.
Here is something that I always tell my children and it seems fitting for this.... NEVER Lie to a woman, because the woman will always find out!
Naturally woman is mom or me when I say this to my kids, but you get the point.

Here is an example that shows us women are not stupid and men just act like idiots when they lie:
I dated someone that knew how I felt about drinking. He would stay out late and come over after being out with the boys. He would try telling me that he was working late.. However, the smell of beer on his breath was a dead giveaway that he was doing something other than that and I confronted him about this... he said, okay, I was out with the boys playing pool and had a beer... I told him one beer and going out with the boys is not a problem... the problem is that he lied about!

I can almost bet that you either cheated or your wife thinks that you have cheated for the way she is acting... no offense, but yup, this confirms that men can be really stupid at certain points. Anyways...... STOP LYING TO YOUR WIFE! and start doing things FOR her and not expect anything back.... Seek professional help if you love her as much as you say you do... Right now, she will think you are lying again.

Answer 3

Wow!!!! I guess each person's tolerance level is different. Have you tried taking her mind off of the past by going out and making present/future memories?? I think the only way I was able to forgive any boyfriend was because I had more good memories than bad- Now I'm not trying to say you should go out and spend up all your money- But if you two really enjoy each other's company try going out and spending quality time together- Like a short romantic cruise, or a picnic, or maybe going to the beach- Or maybe something that you two can interact with each other- something fun- And probably counseling too... Isn't that what they always say. But make more happy memories and honestly talk to her- tell the honest to God truth- so then she can begin talking back and forgiving.

Answer 4

Boy, what a bunch of crap answers that are already here. Well, tell me, are you done with all your sneaky behaviors?
If you're not, let her go, you're just going to make her miserable forever. Don't be selfish and keep her as your wife if you're going to be a sneaky jerk.
If the things were so trivial, then why did you lie about them? Guess they're not so trivial afterall, huh? They're a big deal to you, or you wouldn't need to lie about them in the first place. See, you say that you lied about trivial things. That doesn't make sense, does it? Why would you lie about porn unless porn is very important to you? aha! Let's just admit how important it is to you, yes? Would that be a beginning of admitting how things really are?
Secondly, having a secret email thing going on is a bit like starting a new relationship, isn't it? YES. That is exactly what you have done, and you know it, so stop kidding yourself.

Answer 5

Whatever you hid from her in the past must be something big and that is why she is still mad about it. Have you tried apologizing to her? Have you talked to her in a deep level? What efforts have you done since she found out? From now on you need to be completely honest with her. When you are planning to do something, such as going to a bar with your friends after work or staying at work late or etc, tell her about it. Try to get her trust back to you. You did not say about the things that you hid from her. You know what they are. So, make sure you don't do it again. Explain to her why you hid it from her. Reason with her, CALMLY. You know her better than anyone else. What are the things that make her happy? Do those things. Make extra efforts to do special things that she likes for her. I hope everything will get better soon.

Answer 6

I would honestly consider seeing a therapist together, and/or checking out Harville Hendrix's book GETTING THE LOVE YOU WANT (it's for couples). Sounds like you've gotten to each other's weaknesses, and both of you are feeling very vulnerable. A skilled therapist can help you navigate through it if you both are willing to try, just a little. It is likely, from what you describe, though, that the book alone won't be enough. But maybe it will help convince you to get therapy, and to find a good therapist.

I wish I could show your letter to my son. He lived with his dad from age 13-18, and was encouraged (by his father and stepmother) to lie to me about "trivial things." It really stinks to be lied to by those you love, it's very destructive. I just hope he doesn't bring this habit to his most important relationship when he's ready to settle down.

Answer 7

Okay let me tell you MY story. Onthe 4th of July I found out that my husband had been talking to a girl that he works with and lieing to about what or who he was talking to. This was innocent, and I am still not even close to putting this behind me. He also said that he kept this from me because they were JUST friends and that I would go nuts if he told me....

Okay but here is the deal. #1, I do not like to be lied to and most of us women feel that way.
#2, I felt that here I was putting 110% of myslef into this maraige and here HE was lieing to me about something so simple and stupid. What does that say about us. She could feel the same about you (it would have helped if you would have said what you lied about)
And #3, If you are going to lie to her about something so stupid and petty (I am guessing) then what else would you lie about?

This may not be far or even relate to what has happened to you, but just know that we thing different then you guys.

Answer 8

Send her flowers to her job or at the house and on the card, write "just because i love you". When you get home from work, take her out to dinner, to see something she has always wanted to see, a movie or a play. After that, take her home, run the bath for her, let her soak in it for a little bit. While she is in the bath, light candles and put them in your room. When she is done, lead her to the bed, leaving her undressed, and lie her down on her stomach. Begin giving her a sensual massage. Make her feel wanted, desired, sexy, and beautiful. After the massage, please her orally. Don't do anything more. satisfy her, kiss her goodnight, and tell her again that you love her and that you are sorry for anything that you have done that may have hurt her. After that, help around the house and continue to surprise her with little gifts; gifts from the heart. Write her a poem.....

Answer 9

wow, that is really sad...for you both to be like that! if you guys still love each other please go talk to someone, you might need a counselor to help you two sort everything out and start fresh. since you have lied in the past to her, i think a fresh start would be the best way to try and rebuild.

and i definetly agree that you should apologize for the past lies, and hopefully you mean it when you do. women can totally tell if you are sincere, so just be true with her and she can tell you really want to help and change things!

Answer 10

You guys need some serious couples counseling. There is a lot of pain, hurt, and betrayal between you two. Sometimes you need someone objective to help you sort things out. To me it sounds like she might have a chemical imbalance too( I wouldn't suggest that to her though, leave that too a counselor). If that doesn't work then you can both walk away knowing you tried.