do I really want a divorce?

Question

I recently told my wife I want a divorce. But now i am really confused about what I want. We are both in our early 40's married for 10 years and together for about 20. I just feel like our love is gone. We don't really fight too much but I just feel like we don't communicate. We never had children and I really want to have a family. She isn't able to have children and has had several miscarriges the most recent about a year ago. After the last miscarriage I suggested adoption but she said she wasn't ready yet. I just feel like we want different things in life. But the thought of begin without her is eating me up inside. I think of all the things we have been through and how she always stayed by my side even when I was mixed up when we were younger. I just don't know if it is worth it anymore.

Answer 1

there are other ways to get kids stay with her

Answer 2

I think what happened is you lost your relationship as a "couple".
Understandably so, with everything you 2 have been through.
What if you tried dating your wife again?
Plan an evening out, try to put romance into it.
Remember the days that you fell in love.
Reminisce, to get that time back.
Sometimes by doing this, you get those same feelings back because it reminds you of what you loved about each other and how you felt.
She is probably needing your love and support now more than ever.
She may be thinking that you couldn't possibly love her any more, because she's not able to have children.
Start being more loving to her.
Just the little things, holding her hand.
Give her a little kiss, just for no reason.
Spend some time together dating again.
I hope some of this helps you.
Good luck
I wish you the best ;)

Answer 3

There isint really anything wrong with your marriage to give it up after 20 years. My parents went through the same thing they have been together for 26 years. You have to recreate the spark you had once before. Start going on dates together. Do things you dont normally do. Try and make things exciting like when you where dating. Just because your older doesnt mean you cant let loose once in a while. It will take some work but it will be like starting from scratch again it will be hard but if you still love each other it will be worth it. You can also seek marriage counsling. Good Luck.

Answer 4

If you feel that strong about her then you would be making a big mistake by divorcing her. Sense she can't have children and you want a family that is a problem but easily worked out. Ask her when would she be ready to adopt a child and if she loved you she would do this for you,I know i would for my husband and so would a lot of women. If she won't do this for you then maybe it would be time to move on but remember this, you are not getting any younger so that means the women around your age won't be as fertile so it will be a little harder for her to get pregnant because her eggs are slowing down so if your going to do something you better do it now before it is to late.

Answer 5

Stay with her.

She will be devasted if you leave. She probably feels a little down because of the miscarriages and not being able to conceive. This can also be devasting to a woman. Add them together!! Right now she needs your friendship more than your status as a husband.

If you need sex on the side, get some whlile keeping your best friend in your life.

There are a trillion ways you can satisfy your desire for children, keep your marriage, and be completely satisfied all at the same time. I'll give you just one:

There are lots of children who need you right now. Go volunteer for something invlolving children and give them as much love as you would your own. Your longing to have your own child will be satisfied right away and you'll still be in your marriage. Your wife, seeing your new purpose and the happiness it brings, WILL want to join the celebration.

Your case is not strong for separation or divorce. Step up!

Good luck.

Answer 6

If the thought of being without her is eating you up inside then you don't want a divorce. I would suggest going to counseling to open up the lines of communicating. It will give you a chance to air out your thoughts and to hear hers with a mediator there.

Having a miscarriage for a woman is is tough, it really eats at you, you prepare yourself for a baby as soon as you start trying to get pregnant and when you find out, you get all excited, there is a instant bond. To lose that is devasting, she is probably still grieving the loss and feels inadequent in some way. I don't know exactly how it affects a man. I a, sure it is not easy for you either. Thats why I suggest counseling for both of you, before you decide to end this. Give yourselves the chance to become as close as you use to be.

Answer 7

well how open minded are you. ive been learning alot about chinese astrology. its amazing how dead on its been for so many people. maby i can help you figure out what needs to happen. i also want to be a councelor so this is why im studying the astrology. it teaches me alot why certain personalities coexist. if you dont mind i would need you and your wifes birth year. i really dont need the month although this could be quite helpful. the only thing i do need to know is if either of you were born in feb or jan because the chinese years starts between [e-mail]. im kinda in the same place. been together 11 years, not married, no kids. i suppose the nice thing about our situation is that if we do part ways there were no kids to be hurt by it. also you got to think that if the 2 of your are that incompatable, wouldnt it be better to part. then you can finally focus on the one thats right for you. email me if you want the advice. but be ready for some truths you may not want to hear.

Answer 8

Your wife is so fortunate to have your love. You evidently devoted a great deal of time to this introspective as you search for your answers.

You two have surely been through many life changes together, many people would knuckle under with one miscarriage, and you two persevered.

Maybe you folks are just tired, not with each other, but with all the things that you've been dealt and yet rose above. These are the times where the ones who believed in their vows and remember why they fell in love in the first place walk away from the quitters.

You know, it is worth it and if you can just move through this transition together you will be so much closer and stronger for it. For whatever the hurt is regarding children, imagine how she must feel having had that child within her and feeling its life, having the joy and hope of giving the love of her life his dream of children and then having it taken away. A couple ways to look at it, you could make up your mind to focus on all the glorious things you have together and let the child plan sit on the back burner and if she wants to pursue it later without feeling she is being pressured, that will be fine; but you could just figure, hey, it wasn't in the plan for us to have a child and we will take what we have been given and rejoice that we have each other.

Do you know how many people go through their entire lifetime and never know love? People in our lives shouldn't be disposable, especially because they aren't able to bear children (she needs you as much as you need her, take the chance to tell her how much she means to you and no matter what comes your way, her love is paramount in your life)....

Also, try to find yourselves a good well reputed couselor to help you work through some of these issues and help you find your way back to each other. You sound very much in love with her, and all you need to do to prove this is read your question yourself. You my friend are a lovely person and she must be for you to talk of her as you do, don't throw it away.

Answer 9

You need to try and work things out. A marriage has it's ups and down but you need to try. I made is mistake of throwing my first marriage away because I felt like I was missing out in life and I have lived to regret it. I thought that I would be happier single because all of the guys I hung out with were single. But I didn't enjoy it. I ended up getting married to my second wife within about a year after she got pregnant. But after a few years she left me. I realize now that I always loved my first wife and shouldn't have gave up so easily for such stupid reasons. So trust me the grass isn't greener on the other side. If you found someone that has stuck by you for 20 years you are fortunate and need to do everything you can to save your marriage.

Answer 10

I would think long and hard before you make any final decisions. 20 years isn't something to throw away just because you both have different wants. When you both got together, you both had plans for the future, just because life doesn't always give us what we want, doesn't mean we're that the grass is greener on the other side. You made a commitment to this person and made vows. Do you really think that starting a family now would solve your problems? Don't you love her unconditionally? Does she accept you with all of your flaws? I would reconsider and ask your Preacher and/or a Counselor. Best of luck to you. I know it isn't easy. My prayers are with you.
Dee

Answer 11

Don't give up. People have been through worse situations. Try to work it out with her and talk to her. Do you know how hard it is to find someone who will stay by your side no matter what? If you are confused then don't divorce. I mean do you really want to throw everything away and start over? I suggest you guys get some counseling and do something to spice up the relationship. Go on dates or trips together. If you guys can't have kids get some pets.