I have been married for 4 years and have been verbally abusive she cheated shoud i stay?

Question

Me and my wife have been married for 4 years and have a 5 year old kid. i didnt want a kid but married her because of the child. i became verbally abusive (textbook case) to her over the years and we have been on a love rollercoaster ever since. Finally after 4-5 years she had enough and mentally seperated herself from me and cheated on me with the same random guy twice. I did some soul searching and found that i had really been screwing up as a husband spilled my guts to her because i did love her deep down inside. she agreed to give it one last try and things have been going alot better the last few months but i still cant get over the fact she cheated on me while we were still married and i think about it every day, should i just leave and spare myself the heartache or will it get better.

Answer 1

I would think that the abuse she took from you is running through her head as well every day and she is willing to try to forget and make a go of it. Could it have been possible you drove her to the seek the comfort of another?

Answer 2

I was in a similar situation when I was married. My ex would belittle and berate me every chance he got. I got to the point I felt worthless and undesirable; we fought so much it was a daily routine. Eventually we decided I should move out but he would come over every day and treated me the same as before I moved. A friend of many years would visit his kids next door and we'd chit chat and things went further than they should have. Of course when my ex figured out what was going he was immediately so sorry and wanted me to come back. I did and things went from bad to worse. As time went on he would think of what I had done and could not forget. Verbal abuse turned to physical once the anger built up. I'm not saying this will happen with you but if you are not willing or able to forgive this act, then it may be best for both of you AND your child if you just walk away and try to be friendly for your child's sake. Just as a P.S. My ex began asking me when I was coming home just months after our divorce was final and 10 years later, still does. I could never get over how someone said they loved me but could hurt me so much. Please don't let your child learn this is ok. Teach him/her to be happy and satisfied with life. Good luck.

Answer 3

this is a very difficult situation.
no one can know but her and you

you should ask her this same question

we take business classes and math classes but they never give us classes on how to love, be loved, etc.

if i might suggest. you don't have to do what i am saying.

talk to your partner.
say: let's have a discussion and review our relationship

let her say her things
you say your things

but instead of getting angry
look at it instead of like business, math, or religion

you cannot have true love if you are getting angry and shouting

hate and love are a very difficult combination

so the things to talk about are not just what has gone wrong with the relationship

you ask her what does she want
she asks you what do you want

in other words you review just like it was more a serious school or work thing

i do not mean love is like school or work

i think the main thing is you have to say to her can i make you happy?

she has to say to you can i make you happy?

also the physical side of the relationship, a lot of times, people get confused into thinking that's all it is. but if you are really married there should be some sort of religious, twin souls, or transcending aspect to your relationship. maybe you can talk about that. if you are still just having a sexual relationship, but the love side is missing, that makes things hard.

there are also thousands of books on this sort of thing

i would also recommend one spouse or another might get one or two books on this sort of thing, find one or two important passages, possibly the different experiences people report of sex and love or sex vs. love, etc.

my personal opinion is, if a person can stop saying the bad words, even when angry, then whether or not any given relationship works out the way you want, you may have at least moved along to a little better situation in getting along with yourself.

if one or both parties are very accustomed to expressing whatever it is using the bad words a lot, i might guess if this would not change, then the likelihood the relationship would get better would be small

i think the way people talk to each other really matters

whether or not you can make your relationship a success, only you and your wife know. it sounds like there have been some successes even in all the pain and misunderstanding. i failed in my marriage, and i think that if i could go back and redo the early years, what i would do is have a more organized conversation concerning what do i want from this relationship. what do you want from this relationship. can i make you happy. can you make me happy.

it may be difficult but better to find a new relationship, but it is also possible that you have the right person and you will never get someone else who would be so right for you

the only ones who know are you and your wife

there definitely need to be some changes in the relationship but also in your self. so no matter what happens, something will change, according to your own explanation

if you stay with her, a good idea might be to take a little time now and then to discuss issues, happiness, etc. you work on your yard, you maintain your car, you put in your hours at work. i know love is not like that, but if you will not work on your marriage, the love side of it that you deserve can get lost as far as most marriages result in power struggles, hurt feelings, etc.....so when it gets to the point of hurt, anger, etc....it's already gone past the successful relationship you want to have. maybe you can talk to her about that. as i've said. get some relationship books, and go through them toghether.

you would not be together all this time if you did not have a lot in common. two people do not just get together without a lot of good reasons. obviously both of you must have a lot of attraction.

we all grow up. sometimes our parents have modeled relationship behaviours that dont work for us

there are some habits you can change and just like drinking or any other bad habits, if you decided to make some changes, discussed it, and both of you tried to stay with it, you might still be able to have a good marriage

there is really no answer to your question
the main answers are whether or not you and your spouse have the capacities to make changes and then can really do it, and see to it that each understands the other doing that

Answer 4

Cheating twice with the same guy is anything BUT random. You need to check out of this relationship. Cheating the first time is the hardest--it's much easier as you go on. Get out now, see your child regularly. If you stay things will escalate and your child may wind up fearing you or hating you. Let the B have her way--it's not that important. Providing a good home for your child is what matters

Answer 5

Your situation sucks. First, never stay together for the child. I know you did not say this, but I don't want that idea to surface in your head.
Second - if you feel you can forgive and forget, then try your best. If not, you should move on.
She betrayed you and the worst is she is verbally abusive and she probably is because of her own guilt.
I hope that you get things resolved one way or another.
Best of Luck to you.

Answer 6

If she can forgive you for having been verbally abusive why can't you forgive her cheating? Maybe it's time for both of you to get counseling. Talking to a third person can do wonders.

Answer 7

i'm not into the whole cheating thing but, i can't say as i blame her after the way you acted. if BOTH of you really want to make it work, you need to remember why she did this. you weren't there for her and were emotionally abusive. i know, cheating is cheating but, you both need to forgive the other in order for things to change. she's apparently forgiven you, now it's your turn.

Answer 8

Dude, get a grip.
Move on to a new life.

In other words, grow some B#LLS !!!!!

Answer 9

absolutely not.

Leave...trust me i know

Emotional and verbal abuse is the worst.

Answer 10

if you cheated, would she stay? even though you would be even.