What do you think of my poem? its called hurt.?

Question

a smile is usually on my face everyday

but things you say make it go away



with you i used to be so happy

but now you just make me feel crappy



you used to make me have butterflies

now you just put tears in my eyes



your dry sense of humor never presented itself to me

but now thats all i see



i guess i hurt you at falls creek

but i didn't think the pain would last for 3 whole weeks



you like to go through my calls

which isn't nosy at all?



you blame my brother from super summer

which i didn't know you were spying on me undercover



making wishes at 11:11 will never be the same

and neither will the human knot game



stalking is what i feel like your doing

i guess its my password to my texts that i will be redoing



i really don't know what made me write this letter

maybe its the fact that you freaked out when i said i don't want to be together



or maybe its the "datable girl" you supposedly made me into, coming out in me

or what you "didn't get out of the relationship" is all that you see



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Hey everyone...thanks for reading my poem!! i just got out of a relationship and i needed to let it all out..please tell me what you guys think.... =) thanks..


love.

Answer 1

Your poem was okay...not great, not really all that good, but 'okay'. Why? Well, for starters, try tightening up your lines...there doesn't need to be so many "artistic" spaces between lines...it just makes it more difficult to read, and it's never a good substitute for having something more to say. Next, rhymed couplets...although you stretch them out, they still seem forced. Very predictable lines...and "crappy"? are you kidding me? I sense you could do much better...don't take a shortcut...try a differnt rhyme pattern, and do it again. You know this isn't your best, so do better.

...and keep writing

Answer 2

It's not bad, but your rhyming is kind of predictable, especially in the beginning. I wouldn't split the stanzas, but rather put certain big splits in diff places as a separation of the ideas.. and maybe put in past tense at the beginning.. or split. like, A smile was usually on my face everyday/ but the things you said made it go away/I used to be so happy, with you/ now I hurt at everything you do/You used to give me butterflies/ Now you just put tears in my eyes/Your dry sense of humor never presented itself to me/Now thats all I see/// I guess I hurt You at Falls Creek/but how could that pain have lasted for 3 weeks?/ etc.

I dont understand the line about your brother, but poems are personal, and if you don't take my advice, that's okay. I'm just trying to help. I like the line about making wishes at 11:11 and the human knot game. I think you could maybe reword the "stalking" line. overall, good job, and sorry about your relationship. :)

Answer 3

Seems like you had to let it flow,
To let it go.
Like your trust has been shattered.
What's the matter?
Were you battered?
Or loveblind?
Where you could see nothing but your love.
Never seeing the world,
Or what he was made of.
Rise up! See the sun now,
And bask in it's rays.
Sulk no more!
For that's just a waste of great days!

From me to you, to make you smile!

Answer 4

its GREAT,,,,



its hurts when u come out of relationship ive been there it bites. But i have another relationship will a other girl soon.....i hope. It took me 1 year to recover and et a new girl

Answer 5

I like this poem
it was described very well
and it talks about emotional feelings

Answer 6

I really like it!