Just got into the magic of poetry, What do you think of this poem?

Question

Be honest! I usually write short stories but i feel poetry is such a dramatically amazing way to show how you feel and get right to the point! Enjoy.

Real Reality

Why do we not think,
About all those people who live on the brink?
All those people who live for others
On one knee and protecting their brothers.
If we would live like life should be
Living in a strong reality,
Knowing the truth that if we all stand tall
The foundation we stand on will never fall.
How come our brothers are crying?
Why are so many people dying?
Are we to weak to take a stand
Or just don't care about another’s land?
With all this music, partying and show
It's no wonder so many of us will never know
That nations are crying
Starving and dying.
Become a giver to the needy
Since we all have turned so greedy.
Turn your deaf ears to hear
The mournful cries, that do draw near.

Answer 1

very nice...really : )

Answer 2

Here's the thing...almost inevitably a new poet will start with rhymed couplets...not a good idea...they are very difficult to do without sounding "rhymy"...the very good poets make them sound as if there were no other word that could have been used...that's a skill, and to be blunt, not everyone can develop it all that well.

However, you do know how to express yourself, and that's a leg up on most writers. Try not to be so "preachy"...if you have a view, show us what gave you that view and see if you can impart enough vision so that we come to the same conclusions without you telling us that's what you want. Read more poetry, and if you want to do rhymed poetry, try a different rhyme pattern, something that spreads it out, like abab, or abba, or abcb, or any number of other forms. Get a book on poetry and learn the different styles, forms, meters, etc. so that you'll be able to choose which one fits what you're trying to say to the best effect. Rhymed couplets are fine for nursery rhymes, and can even be used for serious work if (and it's a big if) you're one of the lucky few who can do it so it sounds natural. And speaking of natural, NEVER use a word simply because it rhymes... in other words, don't "force" the rhyme or the word to fit the line...use words that fit naturally...and if you can't find the right word, change the lines so that they end with words with a better fit.

...and keep writing

Answer 3

It's not the most compelling piece I've ever read, but you clearly have a message you're expressing. You're off to a good start. Here's some suggestions:
- Line 12 should be "are we too weak..."
- Consider changing the last line to "The mournful cries are drawing near," or something like that. "do draw near" is anachronistic. We don't talk like that anymore, so it sounds a bit Shakespearean. Since you're only using "do" for the extra syllable, try changing the other words slightly so you won't need it.

Answer 4

The story no doubt in therein contained,
The meter got lost in the fray.
If poetry is what you want to do,
Then come back over to play.
Try for a rhythm to go with the rhyme,
To see if the words truly flow.
And when each is better than that one before,
Your talent will then start to grow.

Good job for starters, have a star

Answer 5

I also have a secret plan how some persons in right here could make money out of this deal, yet I close my capture because of fact no person desires to pay attention it and all and sundry desires to circulate the "self-publishing" course the place you quit the rights on your individual paintings to Elaine & Richard and that they make 2 hundred money and you get screwed. Ask Buk in case you pick to understand how that is going. the main time-honored poet in YAP and he took the comparable dive as all and sundry else desires to. The poet laureate of the USA desires an afternoon job. there is not any actual money in poetry.

Answer 6

no real hook. what are you saying? Some words are just there to rhyme. Boring, simple, redundant, typical.

But it shows that you are thinking. Keep working on it. You probably thought this was awesome, and it is probably a bit of a blow. But keep doing it. Besides if you like it... Hey that is all that counts.

Answer 7

Sounds okay. I wouldn't rhyme 'dying' and 'crying' twice.

Answer 8

that's awesome lolz. i don't see anything wrong with it really.