Why do I feel like returning to a controlling, manipulative man?

Question

I feel like returning to my ex-husband even though I know that he is controlling and manipulative.

I keep feeling sad about he will now be alone because our 15 year old daughter is now living with me.

I also feel bad because in his own way, he does care for me. He does want to see me succeed and do well in life.

I also miss being part of a family and having structure to my life.

I have planned to go back to him many times. Yet, when the date gets closer, I feel scared of being back in the same situation with him again.

He is upset with me for not being dependable or committed and probably rightfully so.

I keep hoping and wishing that he would change and really see my good points.

Now, he keeps pushing me to work on the move process to show that I am really "committed." He may be right in his own way...

I just hope that I am not ruining my life and my child's life for good by not putting the family back together again.

Answer 1

There are several things to comment on here.

First, if you go back to him and let him control and manipulate you again, you are showing your daughter that it's okay for her to let guys treat her that way, and when she starts dating that's what she'll do. Is that what you want for her?

Second, the fact that you're scared of being back in the same situation with him should be a huge alarm bell going off in your head. You're scared for a good reason, and that reason is because you don't deserve to be treated that way, you don't like being treated that way, and you know that you're worth more than that.

It's compassionate of you to feel sad because your ex is alone now, but it's not your problem or your responsability. He's alone because he chose to act in a way that drove you and your daughter away. If he really wanted the three of you to be a family again, he'd do what ever it takes to change his behavior. And that means serious counselling.

He has not and will not change because he doesn't need to. He gets everything he wants by controlling you, manipulating you, and belittling you to the point that you are yearning for him to see your good points. And with no change on his part, you are STILL considering returning to him.
No one should have to beg to be appreciated, and no one should be constantly belittled for imagined faults. You were obviously dependable and committed because you stayed and put up with his crap for 15 years.

I am proud of you for having enough courage, and love for yourself and your daughter, to remove the two of you from that situation.

If you really want him to respect you, you'll stick to your guns and insist that he attend long-term counselling before you even consider returning to him. And I don't mean he goes to one counselling session. I mean, you tell him, "I will talk to you concerning parenting issues with our daughter, but other than that, call me in six months and let me know what progress you've made with counselling and what you've done to change."

Trust me, six months without him (no phone calls, no e-mail's, no meeting for lunch, no seeing him period) will do wonders to clear your head and you'll probably feel so good you'll have no desire to be anywhere near him again anyway.

You ARE part of a family. You and your daughter are a family.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 2

Do NOT listen to Private P- what a horrible thing to say. Caring for someone and LOVING are two different things. YOU can create your own structure and You have a family- namely your daughter- perhaps you need to expand your circled of friends and make the like family. Do you really expect to go back into a situation that probably will NOT be any different than it was before. It would appear from every post that you have written that you are dependable and committed- to your daughter- what he really wants is you to be TOTALLY UNDER HIS CONTROL. this IS HOW HE CAN MANIPULATE YOU!!! This is his definition of dependable and committed. Ask your self- in all honesty- is he really capable of changing? It appears NOT. We spoke about pushing- look at the mental pik- ah- now I have her going to pack- now I have her packing the car- where and when will it stop? Are you not worth MORE? I think a lot of us here think your worth a whole lots more than what he may think. There are many of us who have separated/divorced and thought Lord I have ruined my life and my child's. Its just a momentary insecure feeling. Set a tiny goal- achieve it- and move on to another goal- soon it will be a major step. You ultimately will make the right decision for you however, I would say this to you - what kind of message are you sending to your daughter? Is it positive- or does it REAK with indecision. Women today are independant, financially secure, and strong AND not dependant on a spouse. These are things you can and should be showing your daughter by EXAMPLE. I may sound harsh but reality is reality- old habits DIE hard- make a decision on truth for you and your daughter stand up and be counted as one of the women your daughter will admire for making a concrete decision.

Answer 3

I think you need to get some counseling. Your self-esteem is so low you think you want to go back and live with a man who is abusive (controlling and manipulative). Why do you think you deserve that kind of life? Why not hold your head up and show how independent you can become? That will set a wonderful example for your daughter. If you go back, you are teaching her that being with an abuser is better than being alone. A wrong message, which will ruin her life if she does the same thing.

Answer 4

Dear Stareyes:

What you are feeling is normal when marriages are broken. However; you are trying to satisfy everyone else and not what is missing in your life. There is always room for personal growth and if you believe you could obtain that in a marriage then you decide on your own and not be persuaded by others. Kids are flexible much of what you could expect is that in the beginning they will play on both your ex and your emotions until you demand otherwise. Just by doing what I have suggested would be a first step towards commitment. It would help if you both agreed that relationships are and should be conditional where love is not.

Best regards,

Answer 5

lady, u need to listen to urself or read ur question at least 50 times. I'm sure you and ur daughter are doing fine right now, and u shouldn't go back to ur ex if he's controlling. you WOULD be in the same situation as before. and that would just make things worse. Live your life and forget about ur ex. live through life and move on to hopefully meet another guy who's sweet and kind. that would be a structured life.

Answer 6

Wake up, children learn by example. What kind of example are you setting for your child by being with an abuse man. In order for anyone to love and respect you, you need to love and respect yourself. Being in a bad relationship does not =
family. Families love and respect each other. Don't show your daughter it's OK to be abused by anyone let alone a man.
It's better to be on your own with your child then a bad relationship. Do you really want your daughter to marry a man and be treated like you were?

Answer 7

A sure sign of abuse is when the victim feels sorry for the abuser. He plays on that and is, once again, trying to manipulate you.

Perhaps at this time it would be best for you to get in touch with your local domestic violence women's shelter as they offer free counseling to help women move on with their lives and to gain back their self-esteem. If you are not comfortable with that, then I would suggest going to a therapist and working through your low self-esteem issues so that you can do what is best for you and your daughter. How you respond and handle this is being watched very carefully by your daughter. It will be something that will influence how she would respond to a similar type of relationship.

Good luck.

Answer 8

You are doing the right thing by not going back to him. You say he loves you 'in his own way' but not all love is good love. Some love is twisted and destructive. The fact that you left is an indicator that this was probably not a good love. Controlling and manipulation is not loving. It is destructive.

Hang in there. There are good, loving men out there and there is a right one for you. Don't ruin your chance with the right one, who will actually love you, by running back to the one you know is wrong.

Answer 9

YOu can't change him. He doesn't want to change. You have this fantasy in your mind about how wonderful he COULD be, but the reality is that he will never be the man you and your daughter deserve. You have to find a way to accept that it's over, to not daydream about the phone call you believe is coming where he tells you how wrong he was and how he never wants to be away from you again...that is pure fantasy and you know that, even if he said such sweet words...he wouldn't really mean it.

Answer 10

instead of putting you and your hubby first, you need to be thinking about what your child would want. you have a 15 year old daughter that is going to start dating soon. do you want her to think that a man controlling her and being manipulative is what real relationships are like?