What should I do to avoid talking to my husband? We are separated.?

Question

My husband and I have been separated for a little over a month and I have been really devastated. We have an 11 year old son so I know that I can't avoid talking to my husband at all, but when we talk, I get really emotional and then start feeling depressed. I feel like I have all this anger built up inside of me and then end up going off the deep end and leaving in a mad rage. Then all I do is cry for the next 2 or 3 hours. We have been together for 18 years and I can count on 1 hand how many times that we have argued, but it seems like now we can't get along at all and I cannot handle much more. I don't want a divorce but he does, and says there is nothing I can do to change his mind and I can't make him be with me. All I need is some really good advice on how to get around talking to him about divorce issues. To me it is too soon for me to talk about divorce, because I am deeply in love with him and thats why I get so mad when I talk to him because it is always about divorce.

Answer 1

I know exactly how you feel as I have been separated from my husband of 14 years for the past 5 months. We have a beautiful 6 year old son that has been torn up over his father's sudden departure. I too am deeply in love with him and would give my left and right arm to have a 2nd chance to make things better. I too went off the deep end and would get into severe emotional break downs of crying all the time and not getting out of bed. I found it very hard to talk to him or see him because it would set me off and I would be an emotional wreck. I seen the damage this was doing to my son so I had to pull up my boot straps and try to be strong and civil when we did have interactions. I know it is not easy, believe me, considering I found out shortly after we were separated that he has a girlfriend. What destroyed me was finding out that she is a mother of one of my son's friends from Karate that we both knew very well. That in itself made me so bitter and outraged but what is it getting me when he is out having fun and I am home crying. I know this hard, especially since it has only been a month. I too think it is much too soon for a divorce or to even discuss a legal separation. I m not sure where you are from but I know that most states will require a 1 year separation before even allowing a divorce to be heard in court. You and your husband may even be required to attend a parenting seminar on how this will affect your child. I think the seminar is an eye opener to many parents as most people are only thinking of how hurt or angry they feel and forget how devestating it is to the child(ren).

So, my advise to you is to take all of the support you can from family and friends and build your strength on their support. Keep your conversations to a minimum and do not discuss anything regarding divorce. He will realize that he has made a big mistake, it may not be today or tomorrow, but believe me he will realize what he is giving up is wrong. Maybe mutual friends of yours could suggest counceling to him to maybe work out any issues that he has inside. Unfortunately, he is the only one that can change his feelings, regardless of how we may feel about them.

I wish you and your son the best of luck and I truly hope this works out for you and your family.....God Bless!!!

Answer 2

First, you need to get a good lawyer so you can be sure you and your son will be okay financially after the divorce. After that, you need to get a good therapist (ask around for references and find a good listener who deals with people going through divorce). You can then talk these things out with the therapist and avoid all the tears in front of your son. He probably needs some counseling, too. He must miss having his dad around. The other thing you are probably worried about (and it's a real threat) is that your husband may decide to file for sole custody of your son in the next year when the boy is 12 (he will be able to tell a judge which parent he'd like to live with and the judge will listen). So, you really, really need some counseling to deal with all of this. If you have a good lawyer, you can tell your husband to call your lawyer (or have his lawyer talk to yours). You aren't interested in talking directly to him because it is too painful.

Answer 3

He probably has a gf on the side.

No matter how much you are hurting, you can't let your child see you so upset or it's going to further upset him. This is a huge life change for him as well. You need to get both of you in counseling. Only talk to your counselor about how you are feeling.

You should file first if he is so set on it. Make sure you get child support and the child lives with you. Put a stipulation in there that he can't move over 75 miles or so from his child also. You have to start thinking with you head and not your heart.

Answer 4

I don't think he truly wants divorce, for now.
He talks about divorce for 2 reasons.
First of all, he feel sorry for himself. It's hard to not feel like a loser when your marriage hits the rocks. Talking about divorce brings it out of the closet...and closer to reality. He is fishing for your response...but secretly he is hoping you are willing to fight to save the marriage.
The other reason is pain. It certainly hurts you when he brings it out. He wants you to feel the pain...because he is also hurting.
A child cries because the parents reacts. Your hubby wants your reaction.

What he really wants is change. No fighting in 18 years is a symptom of broken communications.
I'm guessing that both of you have ways to get your points across to the other. Without healthy dialogs, both of you keep your pains bottled up and life becomes a competitive battle of wits.
Learning to fight and to work together to climb the mountain of life would go a long way towards a new energizing relationship.

Answer 5

It sounds like he has already moved on and there isn't much you can do if someone has already made that choice. You probably could convince him to go to counseling for the good of your son, if your focus is on helping him to adjust to what is about to come. A man usually doesn't leave his home unless he already has the next woman lined up. So you better start making realistic plans about your future, because I don't think it is going to be with him.

Answer 6

I've been in that situation very recently. The only thing I could do to get him out of my head was to start talking with another man. I don't mean for you to go out and get a boyfriend, but just having someone else to think about helps. Your husband probably already has someone else, which is why he finds it so easy to leave. Mine did.

Answer 7

I can olnly wish you the best of luck.

I recommend that you get a good lawqyer and protect yourself. You should comcentrate on your child and make sure that your ex is required to get a life insurance policy and hte money goes to your son.

Maybe he will wake upi one day and realize that he made the biggest mistake of his life by getting a divorce.

I recently went through a divorce and still miss my ex-wife very much.

Bill

Answer 8

You are upset because you have lost control of the situation. You should seek counseling to discuss your feelings and find a way to close this chapter of your life.

Answer 9

dwhen you see your husband its about your child, ok then talk about your child. Talk about your childs grades about what he has been up to lately and other such issues that concern your son, and for yourself find something creative or more social to do with other people that make you feel more positive about yourself-in other words get back to being you at your best.

Answer 10

Accept it and face it head on. Yeah it's difficult. Yeah it hurts but the sooner you get through it the sooner you can get passed it and start your new life. Putting it off only saves it for later.