war poem - what do you think?

Question

My body’s bruised and my feet are sore,
And what I’ve seen would shake your core,
Then I see the yellow air,
I stand as straight as my necks’ hair,
‘Gas boys! Put your gas masks on’
I look and see my mask is gone,
You could not draw, you could not trace,
The look of horror on my face,
My world disintegrates in a fizz,
But, Karl, my best friend gives me his,
I try to push his mask away,
Unable to find the words to say,
So he puts it on me by himself,
And in a last farewell he says, ‘Good health.’
He says ‘If I can’t make it through’
‘I wish that I’d be shot by you’
‘And don’t you feel guilt when I die’
I try my hardest not to cry,
‘I’ll watch you from the skies my friend’
‘Just pleased to help delay your end’
I watch the evil mists roll in,
I am the devil sick of sin,
And then the mist surrounds us all,
And through the fog I see him fall,
He tries to rise, to stand again,
Watched by horror-stricken men,
As in a sea I watch him drown,
He struggles up then sinks back down,
All the soldiers hold their tongues,
As froth seeps from corrupted lungs,
And eyes roll up, down, either side,
He splutters as if his throat is tied,
But then I see as clear as the sun,
His eyes flick over everyone,
And rest on me, within the crowd,
I try yet fail to scream out loud,
Staggering over his eyes bulge with pain,
He grabs my hand and says my name,
Falls to the floor, wishing he was dead,
I take out my gun and shoot his head.

By the way I was 14 in July.
thanks for your comments

Rick J is that all you ever say?
I do go out with mates, this took 15 mins.
lol.

Answer 1

eRRRRRRM Koff Koff

Answer 2

That's OK but the guy is right about rhyming couplets they are are a bit obvious and can trivialise things.

Look one of the things that typifies a poem is economy. Go through each line and tale ALL the 'and' words out. Sometimes it won't work so leave it in, but most of the are unnecessary.

This bit "My body’s bruised and my feet are sore,
And what I’ve seen would shake your core,"

'feet are sore' is tangible and strong, 'shake your core' is not so powerful and to be honest you put it in cos you were looking for a rhyme for 'sore'. That line is therefore weaker. Rupert Brooke (the guy who wrote 'The Soldier') said if you have a second line with a weak rhyme swap it round with the first because then it won't stand out so much. Thass good advice.

If you want a good heavy war poem look at Wilfrid Owen's Dulce et Decorum Est. It's always hard to write well about what you have only imagined not experienced, but,like the others,I am impressed.

Answer 3

This is very good, the imagery carries is through wonderfully; it is pretty hard not to imagine the scene. The relationship between the two soldiers accurately captures the comradeship that develops during times of war...After reading it I was left feeling skeptical that it was written by a 14 year old in 15 minutes but if this is the case I would take that as a huge compliment. If you are interested in this subject matter I would recommend the works of Wilfred Owen and Siegfried Sassoon...the book regeneration by Pat Barker is also a wonderful piece of literature that would make an interesting read. Well done...I hope to see more of these posts to see your work :D

Answer 4

There's always 1 to tell you how you should have done it. Well William did that, and I ain't gonna. I think you did an excellent job, and hang the rhyming couplets. Let's see him do better with them. I liked it. I was in a war, although I was told it was not a war. When people are blown up and squashed, and gassed and shot, it's war, and it's not pretty. It's not glamorous nor is it something to ever want to do. Keep up the good work, and if rhyming couplets are what you like, develope it to the fullest and be the best. Have a star.

Answer 5

I think its a good poem, but the rhyming couplets tend to make it a bit sing song and, in my opinion, reduce the impact. For a 14 year-old it's really well done, but look at some poems that have lots of deep feelings and discuss tragic events and you'll find that many of them do not use such simple rhyming scheme because we tend to think of it as the kind of rhyme used for light hearted work or for silly things.

Answer 6

You can tell it only took 15 Min.'s its an excellent first draft now rewrite it. It will be better the next time then do it again

Answer 7

Good but get out more with your mates and enjoy life leave the worry for later in life

Answer 8

If you want to read about the real horror of war, by someone who was there, try Wilfred Owen.

Answer 9

This is a very moving poem,and so discriptive I
could picture the scene. Well done.

Answer 10

Wow, thats an amazing piece you have there, i felt like i was right there i pictured every second of it, it sucked me right in and i fell in love with each character, truly was touching.
Bravo!

Answer 11

That is really good. I hope you have taken precautions to prove it is yours before you put it on this site. It is a perfect example of mercy killing.