Question for stay at home moms...?

Question

I have 2 stepsons (5 and 8) and my husband and I have 3 kids together. A 1 1/2 year old and four month old twins. Lately, my husband and I are having a lot of problems and I am wondering if I am out of line. He owns his own business and works generally from 8 to 5. He is on call on Monday and Tuesday nights but has not had any calls in months on his nights. I do the laundry, cook dinners, do all the cleaning, do everything with the kids, get the groceries, errands, garbage, drs., pay the bills, everything. He keeps the garage clean, and does the lawn. I have been asking him to help me more around the house and he is very upset about it saying he needs to relax. He comes home, i get his dinner, and he watches tv and goes to bed. In the meantime, I don't sit down, I don't even eat dinner until 10 when everyone is in bed. I feel sort of slighted but if this is what other stay at home moms do, then I need to stop feeling so resentful and be more appreciative. Please help.

Answer 1

You just described my husband and me to a T! You have a lot of good responses from both ends of the spectrum. You need to decide what you want your house and marriage to be. I get resentful and frustrated sometimes and then I just wait for the right opportunity (you know when you can talk to your spouse and they'll be receptive...or not) and then I tell him about my day and how frustrated I am that I can't get everything done. He usually steps up and helps more for a little while. I've decided that I'm just grateful to stay at home (I homeschool also - so no break from the kids - but I love it) and if it means I'm "the maid", then so be it. I made that choice and I'm happy with it. I have noticed that when I ask my husband to help (and it has to be specific, like "Please empty all the garbages for me") then he will do it without complaint. I just have to ask everytime and know that just because he did it once doesn't mean it's now his chore. I usually have him help me out with something different every week and lately he's been asking me what he can help me with. I make sure I have an answer ready or he stops asking! I hope that helps. I know your reaching out looking for a specific answer, but the truth is, you need to decide how you want things to be. I have read The Proper Care book & the just got the one for marriage. It has helped me A LOT, just be open minded when you read it.

Answer 2

I saw something on this in Dear Abby several years ago.
It seems like every evening the husband came home and everything was always done. The husband asked "How was your day?" The wife proceded to tell him everything that she had done and he never reacted to anything.
The beds were made, the dishes done, the floors swept, everything put away, spills cleaned up ( you know the rest). Well this went on for a long while. One day the husband came home and there were spills on the floor that hadn't been cleaned up, the kids and the wife were all in their pajamas, the beds were not made, the dishes were not done, the list goes on and on.
The husband says what happened? The wife answered him by saying " You always ask what I did today - this is what I didn't do today."
The husband had a wake-up call about THE MANY THINGS THE WIFE DID -DAY AFTER DAY - AFTER DAY.
The husband then realized exactly how much work his wife did do and did not take her for granted.
I guess what I am saying is, take a day off and don't DO ANYTHING AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!! LET HIM SEE FOR HIMSELF HOW MUCH YOU DO AND THEN POSSIBLY HE MIGHT PITCH IN .
He needs to do things like give the kids a bath at night to give you a break, read them a bed time story, help with the errrands, do the laundry, etc.
Most men don't realize exactly how much work is involved in running a house hold (it is very much like running a buisness - (scheduling, budgeting, prep work for a project). Ask him if maybe one or two days a month
he could take ALL OF THE KIDS so that you can go and do something that YOU WANT TO DO and not have to fight with kids. THEN AND ONLY THEN WILL HE APPRECIATE THE MANY THINGS THAT YOU DO AND WILL HOPEFULLY HELP OUT MORE.
Good luck with him - just remember - the kids will eventually grow and start school and he will have missed out on some very important times in their lives. He can NEVER, EVER GET THAT TIME BACK WITH THESE PRECIOUS CHILDREN. They might even not really have bonded to him because of his lack of involvement in their lives. The two of them ( the children and your husband ) will be like strangers in the end. Then he will be very, very sorry for all of the lack of involvement.
My husband was wonderful about taking our kids and spending time with them and just being around them. Our kids have a very good relationd ship with theri dad.
Once again good luck and God bless.

Answer 3

I'm a stay at home mom too. I have three boys (17, 13 and 8). Though I do most things; laundry, ironing, cooking, cleaning, bills, etc, there are a few things hubby does that helps out a great deal. You are not out of line at all. Perhaps your husband can pick up milk and bread or whatever on his way home. That's not too much to ask. As was said before, your job is 24/7. He needs to get off his high horse and realize that. Not to mention, how does he expect to have a relationship with his children, if he never gives them a bath, reads them a story or tucks them in. He needs to be involved in their care. He IS their FATHER. If you wanted to be a single parent, you would be.

Answer 4

You know, I wish I had someone like you sticking up for me. Some days I will slack a little bit cause I have worked so hard the other days I have to give myself that break. I have a 3 yr old and 2 yr old with another on the way so I get exhausted easily. My husband complains that i need to be cleaning when the kids nap instead of napping with them. But you know what. The house isn't PERFECT, but dishes are done, I have a plan for dinner, the laundry is done, ect. My house is clean and sanitized and I feel that even though I know he goes to a hard job for 10 hrs a day I have a hard job here to. Yeah I get more breaks to sit on the computer for awhile. But I keep my butt moving on other stuff most of the day. I wish my 16 yr old brother was as smart as you. He wont pick his own laundry off the floor and both of my parents still work. You are going to be a wonderful husband and father someday! Just don't rush it! Enjoy your single life for a bit after high school or at least don't marry for awhile. I don't regret it but some days I wished I had let myself party a bit before I settled down. Tell your mom many people out there are rooting for her! And way to go to you for helping her out. Your dad should do it sometimes too. ( I have to admit that my husband can be a big help on Sunday's if he isn't fishing.)

Answer 5

I am the stay at home mom of 2 boys and no to answer your ? I cook and I clean, I also do all the running during the week but on the weekends my husband cooks almost all meals unless I have something special planned. We both work in the yard. He helps me with our boys as soon as he comes home I give him 30mins whine down time and then he takes over and gives me a break so I can do what I need to do for me to help me unwhine for a lil bit, then what we call we tag team the boys and it is a team effort. Hope this helps some and hopefully your husband can start seeing everything you do. Worst comes to worst give him a day in your shoes.

Answer 6

Yeah, sometimes guys who have SAHM just don't get it. They do not understand that you are at work 24-7 and do not get a break. You could try reading The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. If you can find the time. That might help a little. Talk to him and let him know things are getting overwhelming for you and that you need help, either him or you are going to hire someone to clean and run errands. BTW the money will come from any of HIS fun money since he is the one to make the choice to help or not. You could also just stop doing his things, his laundry, his cooking his dishes. This is the opposite of what the above mentioned books will tell you, but it would work for some guys I am sure. Maybe even a weekend off for you will wake him up. Go visit some old friends and let him take care of everyone.

You are not alone, guys just dont know what we go through.

Answer 7

I know what your going through. I do everything around the house. He doesn't even help me with our two boys. Juss because he makes the money and I don't, is that how it's suppose to be? I guess it's juss part of the stay at home moms job. I'm glad i'm not the only one going through this. I know it's very stressful to be home 24/7 we do need breaks too. This is how I see it.....they get breaks on their jobs, when do we ever get ours?

Answer 8

Tell him You want a cleaning service for the housecleaning. Better yet, start interviewing prospects. he may be tired, but does not mean You have to do everything with kids, etc, so that You are worn out too.. At least having a cleaning service will help You.
Sorry to run on like this, i'm sure You already stopped reading this; but, if not, tell him You want a full time Nanny for the kids first. Then tell him "okay, no Nanny, I want a cleaning service."
good luck

Answer 9

You had it right at the very end. You DO need to be more grateful that his working so very hard allows you to be a SAHM, which is most wonderful for your children and your marriage.
You should all be eating dinner together as a family - that's something you need to fix NOW. There's no reason to do otherwise... just reorganize things if you have to.
You've got a lot on your plate - and you need to talk to him about it - WITHOUT nagging, whining, or demanding.

Answer 10

I'm a stay at home mom too...my husband works a lot of hours so i dont have to work outside the house...i feel its my job to make sure the house is clean...laundry done...supper is on the table when he gets home...i also pay all the bills take the kids to the doctors...to and from school...everything you can imagine i do it...but that's just me... i mean that's the least i could do to be able to have the life i do!!!