Poem Review?

Question

I am looking form critism for this poem so please critize away. helpful critism. If you think my poem sucks at least tell me why.


The Snail

Time drags by as I sit in the waiting room
I shift in the overstuffed couch
The ugly floral wallpaper
Has me cornered
I’ve seen snails on sleepy pills
Move faster than the clock’s fake gold hands
I give and inexcusably long sigh
And pick up a brochure about teeth whitening
One visit and your teeth will be like Hilary Duff’s

The snail begins to arouse
As I learning about the intricate process of bleaching
But by the third time reading
I think the snail has been shot by a tranquilizer gun

I lean back into the expensive looking furniture
Staring at the clock was a mistake
I think the snail is dying

One last heave
Both the snail are about to die
I of boredom
The snail of metaphorical table salt
The mahogany stained door opens
An overly cheery face calls my name
The snail marches on

Answer 1

I really like this. I started to readjust your line lengths, but than realized that the long ling lengths give a sense of the slowness of the poem. They are very appropriate.

Time drags by as I sit in the waiting room
I shift in the overstuffed couch
The ugly floral wallpaper
Has me cornered

Maybe a little condensing of words here: Shifting instead of I shift; Cornered by ugly floral wallpaper instead of lines 3-4

I’ve seen snails on sleepy pills
Move faster than the clock’s fake gold hands
I give and inexcusably long sigh
And pick up a brochure about teeth whitening
One visit and your teeth will be like Hilary Duff’s

You might want to consider a strophe break after the cornered idea just to lengthen the waiting sense. Minor typo: Line 7 an not and. I love the good specific detail you use.

The snail begins to arouse
As I learning about the intricate process of bleaching
But by the third time reading
I think the snail has been shot by a tranquilizer gun

Might want a line break after intricate. Having a few short lines will speed the pace which then slows down again at the end. Good content here.

I lean back into the expensive looking furniture
Staring at the clock was a mistake
I think the snail is dying

Consider something other than “expensive-looking”, something else about the couch your on—more specific. Other lines here are excellent.

One last heave
Both the snail are about to die
I of boredom
The snail of metaphorical table salt
The mahogany stained door opens
An overly cheery face calls my name
The snail marches on

Shorter lines are good here. I think you could lose “I of boredom” and rework the line below, as it’s a bit telly. You have already established boredom. Maybe:

One last heave
Both the snail are about to die
of metaphorical table salt

Very original poem. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Thanks for writing.

Answer 2

I like this poem because it creates a world in itself. That's what I think a poem should do. A poem, using compression of words, makes a little world, like a novel does with thousands of words, and like a film does with images and time.

Read the poem over (out-loud) -- maybe tape record your voice reading it, then listen critically for words which can be changed so the rhythm of the poem flows and the sound of the poem also flows.

At first the snail is only something in your memory, but then without enough transition, it becomes something in the room with you.

I put some suggestions into the poem in parens...

The Snail

Time drags (on) as I sit in the waiting room
I (squirm) in the overstuffed couch
The (ominous) floral wallpaper
Has me cornered
I’ve seen (dying) snails
Move faster than this clock’s (false) golden hands
I sigh a deathly breath of boredom and fear,
And pick up a brochure about teeth whitening
One visit and your teeth will be (brilliant) like Hilary Duff’s

The sleepy snail begins to awake
As I learn about the bleaching of teeth
But by the third reading
the snail has been shot by a tranquilizer gun

I lean back into the soft sofa and regret
Staring at the clock because now
the snail is distressingly still

One last heave
Both the snail and I are about to die
of boredom
The dark door opens revealing
An overly cheery face from
whose open mouth and shining white
teeth I hear my name emerging.
The snail marches on
----

Answer 3

This is farken brilliant! You have three typos to deal with. "An" instead of and in the first stanza. "I'm" instead of I in the second. "...and me" missing from the third.

Now, the brilliance. We've all been on that awful couch. You made us go back there with your poem. A fine work of art.

Answer 4

I thought it was great. You need to do a little rearranging but overall its got good metaphors, good images, and is original. I especially love "the ugly floral wallpaper has me cornered". Very good work!

Answer 5

honestly, it's not bad :) good stuff there..good ideas...you've got lots of potential..
and don't worry bout one the other person said. who said poems have to rhyme?
I think though instead of words like 'ugly' you can use more emotive words... like..'infested' or something.
i like how it ends :)

Answer 6

Ya, it sucks. No rymeing and no cadence, and I bet you have perfect teeth, too.