Okay....I will keep God out of this question.?

Question

I have been with my husband 6 years, we have two boys together. It all started out great until he hit me about 4 months into our relationship, he vowed to never do it again and I was stupid to believe he wouldnt. Three months later he came into the bedroom, and started kicking my stomach, and punching my face, while I was sleeping. I woke to blood filling up in my mouth after one hit. Yeah I know....while tears are beginning to fill my eyes as I relive that terrible experience I wonder why I ever put myself in that position. I filed a report on him, he went to jail for almost a year, in my state after you break skin and crack someones jaw you get prision time. He got counseling while he was in jail and we kept in touch. He moved to my town when he was released from jail and we started out very slowly again. He has never laid a hand on me since, but the emotional abuse has started and continued over the past year or so.

I stood by this man for so long, and he is doing nothing but rubbing me into the ground even more. I
I don't know if I am ready to quit in this marriage, I have given everything and my luck as soon as I quit in the marriage he will be a changed man. And quite honestly I don't know if I am ready to see him with another woman.
I have no idea what to do. I have tried everything.....am I missing something?

Please be nice in your responses....I know I should have left a long time ago, but then I wasn't strong enough to leave.

I didnt mention this is already my second marriage. How wonderful is that a single mother divorced twice......please it was hard enough going to my family because of a first divorce.
Is something actually wrong with me, and I am just not admitting that I am so screwed up; or is it that I am too nice and let men walk all over me?

Answer 1

What is wrong with Lady K?
-too nice
-too strong
-cares too much/wants to help and save people
-lots of faith and wanting to be right and do well
-lots of love for a man
-not enough love for herself
-doesnt really give herself the credit she deserves
-doesnt have the confidence in her abilities, appearance, qualities she needs
-doesnt receive the love and attention she wants, needs, dreams of, craves
-feels trapped by all of the above
-is human.

So how do we fix that? Some are possible, others are not. I think that you need to first work on empowering yourself! Work on building, and restoring yourself image. Abuse, to me, is all forms, physical, mental verbal emotional. I, personally, would rather he hit me than ever get into my mind, my heart my soul because at LEAST with him hitting me I can see the punches and fight back. You cannot see emotional and mental hits, not until you're damn near KO'd.

This is what is wrong with you... but what is more important is what is wrong with him... noticing what's wrong with him can help you see a pattern and recognize it in the next guy. No man ever comes up to you in a bar and says "Hi I'm chuch and in 2-5 years I'll beat the living S H I T outta you and work you over emotionally till there is damn near nothing left of you. wanna marry me?" You cannot tell an abuser, that is part of their charm... an abuser is not soemthing they wear as a badge, most often men who abuse women do so because they lack control of something in their lives, or their woman has passed them, or they feel treatened by their woman, or they've suffered some GREAT tragedy in their childhood (physical, mental or sexual abuse) that has never been dealt with. Most times these men have horrible relationships with their mothers... that is a huge red flag.

You need to admit that you're an abused woman. Seek out solidarity in your area with women who are, or have been abused. Also, your reference to God, love God cannot stand Christianity, tells me you have some form of christian faith. Too often in Christianity, that includes catholicism, are women taught that we are the fault of these things.... if we prayed harder, or tried harder, or loved harder things would change. The problem is, GOD DID NOT CREATE US TO BE ANY MAN'S PUNCHING BAG, NOT EMOTIONALLY, SPIRITUALLY, AND DAMN SURE NOT PHYSICALLY.

I think he is making you pay for something he has suffered... and also for the jail time he served for hitting you. I think that you are the type of woman who has done ABOVE AND BEYOND what you ought have and that to HELL with this being a second divorce. You dont deserve to go through what you are going thorugh right now. You deserve so much more... If he happens to hook up with another woman, so be it honey. Just pray for that sister because THIS TYPE OF MAN NEVER EVER CHANGES. I've worked with the shelters for battered women and children and have seen it too many times. Abusers dont change, they just move on and get better at hiding it.

I wish the best for you honey... I really do. For you and your beautiful sons.

Answer 2

Without trying to hurt your feelings, you need a good counsler. You are still being abused. If he is emotionally abusing you it will only take time before it gets physical again. So this is your second marriage, no biggie. Haven't you ever heard "the third time is the charm"? I'll bet a woman who was going through her third marriage said that. Seriously, if you won't get out and get help for yourself, do it for you little boys. Do you want them to grow up and think that this is how you properly treat a woman? Do you want your children to grow up to be abusers? I know the answer is "no" to these questions, but sometimes you need someone to point out the obvious. Even if you tell them that this behavior is wrong, actions speak louder than words. It sounds as if you have low self-esteem and take it from someone who DOES have low-self-esteem, when you become a mother, you gotta have enough self-esteem for your children also. Get out and Get help and stop feeling ashamed. My Mom's friend has been married 7 times, and she is now well onto her way to #8, she doesn't care, she says she's gonna keep going till she gets it right.

Get help-Get counsleing-GET OUT.

ALL THE BEST OF LUCK.

Answer 3

I am truly sorry for your situation. Please know that you are worth more then you think. You are putting yourself in a situation where this man has no respect for you as you are proving to him that you have none for yourself. As far as him being a changed man for someone else yes that could happen because the next woman may not allow him to treat her that way or pick up a cast iron pan and crack his head open if he looks to raise his hand to her. I personally find men who look to hit or abuse woman as week and pathetic. Please for the sake of your children do not allow them to continue to see you be abused physically or emotional as you are setting an example for there future relationships. Your son will take after his father and have no respect for woman and your daughter might end up in your situation. Note, the YWCA in your area can help they have support groups there.

Forget this guy and move on. Put yourself in counseling and make a better choice with the next guy. Don't worry about how many times you were married before. I would rather be alone then with a guy like that as I would have not been as nice as you. Jail would have been the least of his problems.

Answer 4

Yes you're missing something... You're missing a happy life with a normal person who respects you as an individual and as a wife. Why on earth would you even remotely consider staying with someone who "broke your skin" and "cracked your jaw"? I'm sorry, but you have to wake up and smell the coffee; you were an idiot to stay with him after the first assault, but you are an even bigger idiot to stay with him now. It is up to you to take control and change your life - why are you letting your chance slip away? Everyone deserves to be treated with dignity, but you're giving away this right, you're surrendering it. Why? Is it worth it?

P.S. I'm on my third marriage - and so what? I don't think for a second that I should have stuck with my first husband who was an abuser and borderline mentally ill, just because I was trying to avoid getting divorced. Divorce is not a crime, but endangering yourself and your kids is. Your family can go to heck if they would rather see you getting abused than getting a divorce. There's nothing wrong with you, except you have a twisted idea of what is acceptable in a relationship. Please re-think your attitude, it's not too late. It's only too late when you're six feet under.

Answer 5

It does not matter weather this is your second marriage or your 6th one, you did nothing whatsoever wrong to make it ok for someone to hit you. You needed to leave a long time ago, and today is as good a time as any. If your family doesn't understand, thats too bad. NO one deserves to be in an abusive relationship. NO one deserves being hit.
He has learned nothing in counciling nor in jail and you staying near him will not change him. He now prolly has pent-up rage at u having him locked up. Please don't let us read your name in the newspaper under "found dead"...do whatever you have to do to get away, move whatever. Change your phone number, e-mail, heck even your own name if you need, file a restraining order or order of protection...get away before you get really hurt, or worse.
Good luck and GOD bless.

Answer 6

He has NEVER changed, he just controlled himself for a while. He will not change, he is what he is. He is an abuser and he will always be an abuser if both prision and counseling have not made him stop physically and/or emotionally abusing you. He is also likely to begin physically abusing you or the kids in the future.

I understand that you are not getting family support and do not want to ba a single mother, twice divorced. But do you want to risk ending up seriously hurt, possibly disabled or even dead?? Do you want your children to think its ok to treat a wife this way?? They will grow up thinking abuse is ok and could become abusers or live in n abusive relationship when they are adults.

Honey, you need to get out...NOW! Move on and build a better life for you and the kids. If your family will not help and support you, go to support groups, womens shelters or wherever else you will find people who understand and who can help you through. If you can afford it or get it free/low cost, I think therapy/counseling would also help you a great deal.

Answer 7

First of all you should absolutely leave. Don't even think twice. This is to dangerous of a situation to even consider staying in. I don't think there's anything wrong with you. It is possible that you are making poor choices in men. It's not just you though I've done it to. I had a history of picking physically abusive men as well as cheaters. Don't beat yourself up, but as soon as you can get into counseling. Try not to get into any more relationships until you've really healed from this and figured out if you are making some poor choices. I pray that you are able to get free of this mess and find the happiness you deserve. Protect your children no matter how hard it is ok?

Answer 8

It's going to escalate again. It's inevitable and 6 more years from now you will be kicking yourself again if you stay. I got out a few years ago which makes 3 divorces for me. It's hard to make that big of a mistake that many times, but you get past it. I have a great new guy now, finally. It's worth it to walk away from an abuser, no matter what

Answer 9

I'm a single mom with two marriages under my belt and possibly a third blossoming so I take offense. Until the abuser fixes the short circuit that causes him to abuse.....it won't stop and it will get worse. Insanity! If you think you have such strong feelings for the man, why not do him a favor by taking temptation out of his way....remove yourself from his life so he won't risk going to jail again. Cause you know it's starting all over again.

Answer 10

I am a man who would rather slice his own throat before even considering the possibility of hitting a woman. There are millions of us out there. Your husband is an abuser because of major malfunctions and insecurities on HIS part. Don't allow yourself to be a victim--you probably love the good part of him--problem is, he's got more than one part, and the harmful part can kill you and your child. The emotional abuse will eventually lead to more physical abuse. Get out while you're still alive and find a good man. Please?!