is it OK to be racist if you dont mean to be?

Question

I have a few white friends who occassionally say things that other black people might find offensive. But I give them the benefit of the doubt, and generally let it slide.

But one of my other friends says that I should not tolerate it. That someday my white friends will turn on me (as if that makes them any different from the black ones). I dont think my white friends are flatfoot racist, I just think they grew up with in mayberry. Should I not be cool with them?

markie - you dont even know me.

Answer 1

Interesting question, my friend. Are we really talking about racism? Or are we talking about comments that are just taboo or politically incorrect? As I'm sure you are well aware, there's a difference between making race related statements and making racist statements. In other words, making race related statements (whether or not others are offended) doesn't necessarily mean that the speaker is racist.

Have you ever done a head count of the Y!A users who think you're racist? (Some may think that this is a poor example since we don't know you beyond the Internet. But I think it's a perfect illustration of what we're talking about since the issue is making judgements based upon speech.) I can't recall ever reading a question or answer posted by you which indicates that you think any race is superior (or inferior), that any race is genetically pre-determined to any type of behavior (whether positive or negative), that any race is more (or less) deserving of opportunity or respect, and so on...
Yet so many people here on Y!A have called you racist, and at least one person has called you an Uncle Tom. Why?

You make statements that others disagree with. You say things that aren't politically correct, things that offend people. You make race related statements that piss people off. But does any of this justify calling you a racist? No. I'm certainly not claiming to agree with everything you say. Case in point: If I remember correctly, you answered a question a while ago by mentioning a black underage male who was convicted of statutory rape and incarcerated. You continued by saying something like, "That's something that white men just don't have to worry about." I disagree with your statement. But disagreeing with you isn't reason enough to conclude that you're racist.

I admit that I form opinions of people based upon what they say. Who doesn't? But I try to not assume that someone is racist simply because I disagree with statements or am offended by comments. To me, it's a matter of whether or not what someone says is a clear representation of his/her attitude. Consider Ralph Kramden's posts- What if Ralph never said anything disparaging about black people? For the sake of argument, let's pretend that Ralph's Qs & As only ever consist of his usual statistical posts and stupid stereotypes such as, "Why do black people like KFC so much?" Would it be fair to assume that Ralph is a racist? I don't think so. Are the statistics false? We have good reason to believe so. Is he ignorant to trust them? Absolutely. Are stereotypes fact? Nope. But, if the above were true about Ralph, there would be no reason to deduce that he's racist. An idiot, maybe, but not racist. (I hope everyone realizes that I'm speaking hypothetically. We all know that Ralph posts racist crap.)

You didn't get into detal with us, so I haven't a clue as to whether or not your friends make racist statements. And, even if they do, they might be joking. I don't know. You be the judge and make a decision based upon what you feel is the right thing to do. If that means puttin' them in check then, by all means, do it. If you're more comfortable with ending friendships then you should do exactly that. But don't do anything based upon what others think or say. Only do what YOU feel is best for YOU. That's the best advice I can give. If you're not offended by what your friends say then I can think of no reason why you should say anything to them (other than maybe politely informing them that they're offending other people ). Your friend, who thinks you shouldn't tolerate whatever statements are being said, may very well have a valid point and your best interest at heart. But, then again, he/she may be expecting you to base your friendships upon the same criteria as he/she employs. Or perhaps he/she has other motives that aren't altruistic. You know better than anyone in this forum. Give it a great deal of thought, and then make a decision according to what you think and feel.

Answer 2

A lot of it has to do with intent.

For instance, I was hanging out with a few of my black friends, and I had to revoke a friend's "black card" because he didn't know the difference between two rappers. I wasn't trying to be a racist, I was trying to poke fun at my friend. Yes, there was a little stereotype behind it, but I didn't say it in a way that demeaned all black people, and my friends know this--they even laughed at him. They let me get away with a little bit more than usual because we've known each other for so long and they know what kind of person I am. I would never try to pull that same stunt with somebody I didn't know.

Now, I'm not saying its OK to be racist, I'm just saying that a lot of it has to do with the intent of the person. It depends on what your friends are saying and how far you're letting it slide. I don't think your white friends will "turn" on you, but I think its within your rights to set a limit as to what is acceptable for them to say and what is not. If they say things around you and you let it slide, they may think that it's not offensive and say the same thing in a more inappropriate environment, where somebody won't let it slide. My friends let me know if I've gone too far, and I respect them more for it. They grew up in a different situation than I did, one that I cannot possibly fathom, so I look at is as a learning experience.

Answer 3

Probably they're not racist, but grew up in a racist environment where stupid jokes of phrases sounded normal or funny to those people, so they just repeat them without realizing how stupid they are. However, if that's the case, then, sooner or later, thay should realize it and somehow apologize to you, since you're part of their envoronment now and they should not disrespect you. So, if I were you, I'd just tell them openly whenever they happen to make an undelicate remark, so that next time they'd be more thoughtful. If they're TRUE friends, they won't get offended but apologize instead and make sure not to repeat their mistake again. Being racist is NEVER OK, even when not meant to be.

Answer 4

If you are not offended by it and it is your friend I think its fine. I dont think he means anything by it other than just trying to be funny. I work with a Hipanic Dr. And we crack mexican jokes alot, but they are in good taste. he also makes fun of us white people cuz we cant dance. We have a great time. We make fun of our differences. But We respect each other. I will tell you that we are worse on our own race. Why is that? Racism should never,ever be tolerated. Afterall, we are all the same on the inside. We are all pink. GOD put us all together on this earth to live and to learn acceptance, tolerance and respect and for most of us, WE are losing...........I hate racism.......WHY CANT WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?

Answer 5

If they are your freinds, then you know them better than me or any of your other freinds. Play it by ear. I think that there is a distinct difference between something racist and something that might be a little "insensitive."

... and there's alway the context of the situation to consider. I have white freinds and we engage in racial humor all the time. Sometimes I go too far and sometimes they do. One thing we never do is take it personally because we are freinds and we both know that the other means no harm.

Answer 6

Friends, or not, if you yourself say that the things they say are considered to be racist, why are you even questioning it? Yes, you should say something about it. You dont have to be rude or offensive about it. You should just let them know that they should not feel comfortable speaking like that. That its not cool!! Alot of the reasons why any race is comfortable making racist comments, is because people of the race that their commenting about make them think that its ok!

Answer 7

If they are truly your friends, they won't turn on you. And your friend that said that about them.....he/she wouldn't happen to be black would they? Perhaps that person is slightly racist against whites?

The question is, do you find what they say offensive? If you don't, you could just point out that some people may find their remarks offensive, but then drop it from there.

I'm really wishing I could remember what Carlos Mencia said about racists......something about everybody being a racist, but it's only bad if you think your race is the best.

But think about it, we all see race. But not all of us are bigots and think that our race is the best.......So could their be two different kinds of racists?

Anyway, this is how I see it. If what they are saying is a joke, then let it be a joke. If they are saying it a disparaging manner, then its your call to do whatever you think is right. In this politically correct day and age, anything a person says will offend somebody else.

So unless its starting riots and hurting people (physically/politically), let the words slide as they are just words.

I laugh at every racial joke Carlos Mencia does, including the white ones.

Answer 8

im pretty sure your white friends could say the same about you
'i have a few white friends who occassionally say things that other black people might find offensive. But I give them the benefit of the doubt, and generally let it slide.'
to quote you but just replace the white with black
and have heard the same thing about their black friends but you are still friends because you get along

Answer 9

Part of what differentiates a friend from a complete stranger is that you know them well enough to know what they mean. We're not all expert communicators -- sometimes it's hard enough to get a complete thought into words, let alone to filter it for its potential to offend anyone. Your friends aren't making a presentation to Congress, they're relaxed and hanging out with you.

Bottom line is, in your gut you know if it's a big deal or not.

Answer 10

I'm white and I think you just gently point out to them how some people could find their comments offensive. That's a good part of friendship.. You show me how to treat you better and I'll do the same. My guess is they're not aware of it and if you pointed it out they'd likely feel bad and change it right away.