I'm gay and want a divorce..but what is the right thing?

Question

I have recently come out to my husband, some friends and family that I'm gay. I've been with my husband for almost 10yrs now. We get along pretty well and we have an 8 almost 9yr old daughter. We have been talking about getting a divorce. He wants to work things out but I'm not so sure that I want to because I wouldn't be able to be with a women and the sex with him is doing nothing for me. But my dilemma is this....I'm very worried about how this will affect my daughter. My husband seems to think that her life will be turned upside down and she will need counseling. Some people say stay for my daughters sake and others tell me to move forward and make myself happy. I'm not a selfish person. I always think of my daughter first but I'm not so sure if I stay that it will be better for her in the long run. If anyone has any answers for me I would greatly appreciate it. Especially anyone who has been in my situation. Thanks!

Answer 1

honey honey honey dont be stupid, you have been with him for 10 years and you have beautiful kids, and you and i know that you aint gay at all, all what you have to do is take the being gay idea off your head take a vacation with your husband alone, and please stop watching lesbians porn

Answer 2

You must realize that this will turn your daughter's world inside out - after all she has probably assumed that you and your husband have a fine marriage and she's living in a happy world. Then you are going to tell her you two are getting a divorce, but it's not because you hate each other or even preceded by horrible arguments, it's because her mom believes she is gay. Of course your daughter is going to need counseling, no matter when you do this, she's going to need counseling because essentially you have lied to her her whole life. You will have to decide what's best for all of you and then do it. It if will be unbearable for you to live a heterosexual life then you will need to leave that life and begin a new one. I would suggest that if you are considering a divorce that you and your husband talk to her and tell her that you've decided that you both want a separation and that you both aren't happy together. Don't tell her about your sexual orientation right away, and don't go introducing her to every girlfriend you have, give her time to adjust to the separation and divorce first. Once she is comfortable and resettled with all that, then you and a counsellor should have a meeting to discuss the best way to tell her about your sexual orientation. Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 3

Haven't been there, but I think your husband is right. Your daughter will need help to get her through not just the divorce of her parents, but the shock of her mother being gay, and having a girlfriend ultimately. Get a divorce if you're unhappy in the marriage, but keep that part of your life private for your daughter's sake, at least for now.

Just curious, have you always known you were gay, and if so, why wait 10 years to say something?

Answer 4

You can't help how you were made. You are gay and will never be happy unless you are in a homosexual relationship with the right person. Your husband won't be happy because he knows you are gay and that he cannot meet your needs nor can you meet his needs. Your daughter will pick up on the tension in the household and she will not be happy, either.

Yes, divorce can be hard on kids. It can also be the best thing to do.

If you want a divorce, then file. How difficult it is on your daughter will depend greatly on how you and your husband handle things. If you are amicable and both supportive of each other and your child, you can greatly minimize her grief.

The other problem here is that you will have to come out to your daughter. Finding out that her mother is a lesbian might be a bit of a shock. Thankfully, there are counselors, support groups and other things like books and movies to help her through. You will have to explain things in terms she can understand and then do research into local resources for gay and lesbian parents.

My uncle went through this with his kids when he came out during his divorce. It was actually harder on him than it was on them. They adjusted and became comfortable with who he was a long time before he did.

Its best to tell her now than to let her find out later and think her life was a lie and that you and her father have betrayed her by not being honest. Part of your job as a parent is to prepare your child to live in the world. In the world, there are many gay and lesbian people and parents do divorce.

Answer 5

I think it's all in the way you approach your daughter about it. You shouldn't stay in the marriage just for your daughter because "happy parents make happy kids". She wouldn't want to feel responsible when she's older for you giving up your life.

It probably would be best to take her to a counsellor with your husband. Before you tell her, talk to a family counsellor. You should be very proud of yourself for coming out. Your daughter loves you and will understand eventually (if not now). The main thing is to make sure she isn't stuck between argueing parents. Make the transitions as smooth as possible. Do some reading. And let her talk about her feelings as much as possible. Its all about how calm you approach it. Good Luck:)

Answer 6

I honestly think you should stick it out until your daughter is 18 and up and out of the house. Then you can separate and go on living the life you want to lead. She's at a very sensitive and impressionable age - this could seriously impact her psychologically in ways you can't even imagine, especially when it comes to her future relationships.

If you and your husband get along well as friends, just stay together and be friendly. Right now your daughter does not need to know the truth about you being gay. She needs to concentrate on growing up, school, etc. Don't burden HER with all this adult drama. Tell everyone of your decision and tell them that you would appreciate their support (i.e. ask them to not tell your daughter)

In our society, I know the way of thinking is usually "But they deserve to know the TRUTH!" Actually, sometimes the truth should not be told under certain circumstances. Sometimes there is really no rhyme or reason to spilling the beans - as it will only destroy people. Kids especially don't need to know every single aspect of their parents lives and pasts. Let them be KIDS!

Answer 7

Nope I don't care about the do it for yourself people make yourself happy. When you have kids its all about them and making them happy you got 8 years of dealing with this. You can either deal with it and give your daughter a happy home and if you feel the same way when your daughter is 18 and out of the house and you still feel like being with a woman is what you want then do it. I think people really need to get a grip on life. When you bring kids into this world you have to live for them not yourself. You have to put your selfish wants and needs aside and deal with giving them a stable loving home. Sometimes its all an act but an act for them. Thats the problem in this world so many people having kids getting divorced and feeling like its all about me.

Answer 8

Anything you do affects your daughter how you eat, talk, sleep etc. Show her that what matters is that one is happy maybe she will understand she is 10 and in 8 years she will be an adult and can make her decisions. I got a divorce this year and guess what my kids are ok with it and they are 5 and 3 years old, I told them that I wasnt happy and i simply wanted diffrent things, that their dad would still be their father and i would be still be the mom but we would live on our own and be happy, at first they looked at me strange but then they were excited to have a new place and now they are used it. My ex husband has a 7 months year old daughter with his girlfriend (the one he cheated on me with) I didnt tell them about their dad's 2nd life becuase i didnt want to hurt them and once they get older they will be able to do the math on their own, and trully understand why I wasnt happy. As for me I'm still single, trying to do the best best for me and my kids. Just trust your child and tell her how you feel, and tha feelings are important and that no matter what you will always love her and you will always be there for her.

Answer 9

Darndest thing is that kids sense problems between parents and even if they don;t know all the detaisl they feel way more than parents realize. So staying together just for the kids actually results in the kids being even more messed up than if the parents divorced because of all the tension, etc. in the home.
I cannot tell you what to do though; it has to be yoru decision but I suspect if you and your husband truly want what is best for yoru daughter you will find a way to part company without making it into an international incident.

Answer 10

Staying in a relationship that makes you unhappy is not healthy for you or your daughter. I am sure she senses your unhappiness.
Now, that being said, if you choose to leave your husband and date other women, then I would recommend not to involve your daughter. The divorce will be hard enough for her, so try not to give her too much to handle at once.
If you do meet someone that you feel may become serious, then slowly bring your child into the mix. You will, of course need to explain a few things first, and yes, she it will most likely be a good idea to have her sit and talk with a conselor so she can discuss what she is feeling.
This is not uncommon. As long as you put your childs needs first, and do not involve her in the aspects of what is going on, that she does not need to know about, then she will be just fine.
Best of luck!!

Answer 11

Yes, your daughter's life will be turned upside down. But that is regardless if you are a lesbian or not. You can't deny who you are. If you stay, you'll wind up resenting your life and you don't want your daughter to see that or be around that. Yes it will be hard in the beginning, but your daughter loves you! If would do you more good to get done and over it and make sure she understands that the relationship you had with her father does not affect the relationship you or her dad have with her. Once she knows that Mom and Dad still lover her, she'll be fine. Kids are resilient and smart. Trust me!