Leaving the house when in a heated argument with spouse...details inside...?

Question

Okay, every since I can remember I have always been one to leave the house when upset or angry no matter who I am arguing with. Well, I have lived with my husband for a year and three months now...well when we get in a heated argument I feel like i HAVE to leave. I don't know exactly why...it is almost like I feel trapped in a corner and I need room to breathe. I feel like if I stay it will make things worse, but if I get out for a while and think, I will come back much calmer and ready to talk it out instead of screaming it out. But the problem is that my husband HATES it when I do that. So my question to you all is....does anybody else do what I do? Why do you do it? How do you stop? I want to respect my husband and try to work on not leaving the house, but I don't know how to stop....please give me some advice! THANKS!!!

Answer 1

I have done it on occasion, but never recently. Wanting to stop because your husband hates it is very considerate of you, but it honestly seems to me like it is he who should deal with hating it, not you. I admire you for knowing enough to get away and cool down. There is nothing wrong with that, and it has the benefit of making it less likely that you will say things that you don't mean, which is a major contributing factor to arguments getting worse than they need to be.

I recommend that, at a time when you are not arguing about anything, you discuss this with your husband. Tell him exactly why you leave and how it benefits both of you to have that time to calm down. Remind him that the purpose of a disagreement is not to fight, but to reach a resolution. Rational, calm people reach resolutions much more efficiently than angry ones!

Answer 2

First understand, that to a partner, "leaving the house" is giving a clear indication and a message that you are

1. Giving up on the marriage
2. Giving up on the converstation
3. Rudely and abruptly dropping it and that your spouse is not important enough to work it out
4. Isolating and abandoning your spouse.

However, the need for "space" when pressured is real enough as well. There are better ways to handle this though.

1. If it's aboslutely necessary that you walk away and take a breather, than verbally and lovingly explain to your spouse that you are only taking a quick breather and you promise you will be right back. Do not take an excessive long time on purpose to hurt your spouse either. :)

2. Verbally explain that you are pressured this very moment and are hurting. "Give me a second." and take a breather right there.

3. Make sure when you are working through the misunderstanding, you are in a location that makes you feel you have a lot of space. Change from the bedroom to the living room, or somewhere easier to focus and concentrate. Darkly lit or brightly lit rooms makes differences to different people.

The whole thing is to make sure you 're not giving the above messages which could sabotague the relationship in some way.

http://www.splashdesignworks.com
http://www.housefellowship.org

Answer 3

I have the same problem. If fact it happened this morning. I did leave and I am glad I did. Sometimes it is the best thing to do. I have 3 children, so I leave so that they will not see us arguing. I got the the grocery store or something, I always bring something back so that the kids will not think I ran away or something. They are only 5, 4, & 2. Sometimes I even go to the movies. It is really all up to you. When I come back my husband and I talk to each other in a rational way. We both needed the time alone. Well I think my husband has more control of yelling so that is why I think it is better I leave then him, because then I might start yelling at everyone else.

Good Luck!

Answer 4

My husband and I have a similar problem, but I would almost rather than he leave. When we begin to have a disagreement he usually gets so angry that he just cannot deal with it in a rational way right then and there so he wants me to give him some time to calm down and allow him to think things thru and then discuss the problem. I, on the other hand, prefer to deal with things right then and there and will follow him around the house trying to talk to him and get him to discuss it which just makes him angrier. I have learned to try to distract myself for awhile with other things (but then I get angry at myself because my anger disappates and I want to be mad about the issue and then just can't muster it). I say to sit down during a non-argument time and just explain to your husband that this is how you have always handled arguments and ask him if he could please give you some time to drive around or walk around and think and that in the end the argument will have a better outcome because your head will be clear and your will be calmer and in the end calmer heads always prevail. Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 5

I think it's a good thing that you do it helps defuse the situation a little bit. when you leave it should give both of you a time out and time to calm down and now have a reasonable conversation instead of letting things get more heated and then you start to say things you don't mean and will regret. talk to him let him know why you do this if he cant understand that he should realize you doing that is good and often recommended when in an argument with a loved on.

Answer 6

I do that too! i find myself having to leave when the arguments get heated for fear they will get worst if i don't leave at that moment. My wife and i have come to an agreement that when we do get there at that point, she understands i need to get out for a bit but i also promised to come back home before the night's end. We do what we have to do to make things work. We also now try and not let our arguments escalate to that point.

Answer 7

i do the same thing. my hubby is one of those people that will argue about the same thing for hours. so even if i just leave the room, he will find me and want to "talk" about it some more. i only leave the house when i feel like i'm about to be violent with him. i'm not a violent person, but he has done some things recently that i just want to punch him in the face for. he thinks that my leaving is "running away from our problems". that's just my way of dealing with it. it's not running away, it's just stepping back. you don't have to stop. everyone deal with their anger in different ways.

Answer 8

Three things I did, one was to oblige my spouse into an argument that made things worse like you said. I then resorted to just keeping quiet and let her do the yaking/nagging and yet she attacked my being quiet to the point that I would blow my top and I had to argue with her again and things would get worse. The third that I did was just like what you’re doing now, leave and do things to be calmer and come back ready to talk with my spouse in a calmer manner. But then, just like in your situation, my spouse hated me and took it against me whenever I leave.
I think that it’s more on their predicament of not being able to handle themselves properly with the pressures and stresses that hound them rather than on what we do and they would just pour themselves out on us. It’s like we don’t seem to do anything right before them. Problem is that we can have the same predicament of not being able to handle ourselves properly/well and one of the better ways to handle it is to make oneself calmer rather than pouring ourselves out on them, too and that can make things worse. And leaving the “arena” is a good way to do that. What I do at present is to make myself calm without leaving and to try to talk in a low tone with me trying to understand my spouse that she’s letting out her stresses and pressures, and listening would be the least I can do to help her. Clashing head on with her may be the worse thing to do. Leaving may do you both good as long as you don’t get tempted by the comforts of the outside world, but then he may play up things in his mind and suspect you of something and that can add fuel to the fire. So basically, my key is to try to be understandable and to just let her beat the hell out of my eardrums. It takes some practice to hold onto your patience/sanity though while still in that “arena.”

Answer 9

How do you expect to solve problems, when you run away from them? You're behaving like a child. You're a grown, married woman. There's no need for you the scream, anyway. If you continue to behave in this childish manner, you are going to ruin your marriage. No man wants to live with a woman who acts like a 2 year old brat!

Answer 10

If my wife were to pull the run away thing it would only make me more angry.
It would also give me time to figure out even more reasons why she was off base.
I think it is better to stay at it and deal with the issue now.
But then I don't punch walls or her.