Friend with Benefits Confusion?

Question

My friend w/benefits lives with me. First we were friends then with benefits. Now I've fallen in love with her. She knows this but I've also told her that I accept that she does not want more than the benefits. I treat her like a girlfriend, buying gifts and taking her places which she seems to accept even though she does nothing special for me which I accept. I know this is unhealthy for me. The problem is if I try to back off and just be a friend, she gets upset. It's like she wants me to love her and treat her like a girlfriend but does not want to do anything in return. Other times she says I'm all over her and to back off. Seems like she wants me as a boyfriend sometimes and other times wants me to leave her alone. I feel trapped. Everytime I try to back off she gets upset at that too. Am I missing something or is this girl mental. We still have sex a couple of times a week. I can't seem to figure this out and she doesn't talk to me about her feelings.

I know everone is going to say get rid of her she's just using you. It's not so easy, we were friends first and I don't want to loose that. I know she cares but not sure just how much. I wish she would just make up her mind!!!!!

Answer 1

i had a friend like that. for years!!! i fell in love so hard with him but he would never be my boyfriend. he said he didn't want to lose the friendship. i would get things for him all the time and treat him like gold, nothing in return. he hurt me so many times but i kept being with him. finally one day i told him i couldn't take it any more and that we had to stop having sex and just be friends. he was fine with that. he was fine with that cause he could get sex somewhere else! and he had no feelings for me other than friendship. it is hard whenever i see him, i still love him, but i will never let him know that. you need to tell her no more sex, no more gifts. only a regular friendship. if she throws a fit, than you know that that is all she wanted. i know she doesn't care about you the same way you do her. you need to physically and emotionally move on. if you can keep her as a friend, great, but if it is going to be a problem, just keep her at a distance.

Answer 2

She has made up her mind, the problem is, you just do not see that. By not doing for you like you do for her, she can come and go as she pleases and feel no guilt and no attachment. At the same time, she wants you to be attached to her and provide her the benefits that she is enjoying right now. Very simular to when you see questions by women that want to know why their live-in boyfriend of seven years does not want to get married. Why make the commitment when you get everything you want the way it is right now. She has some guy helping pay the bills, buying her stuff, giving her the sex and attention she wants when she wants it, but is not shy to tell you to back off when she does not want it.

She has you pegged and she knows that all she has to do is get upset when you back off and you will come crawling back and buy her gifts and give her the attention she wants. You need to back off and you need to find you a girlfriend and spend you money and attention of someone that will appreaceate it and treat you good in return. You will see your friend get insanely jealous and upset when you do this, but she is making the choice for you. You need to get out of the relationship part and cut the benefits out all together. Tell her you just want to be friends because you can not do it any longer. Let her get upset, she needs to be put in her place as hard as that sounds and as hard as it will be to do. If you are not man enough to do that, then just accept your place as her boy toy and the way she treats you to be your life.

Answer 3

Well, you will wind up getting hurt, because there will come a time when she will find some other guy and then she's going to say "we were just friends" and start bringing the guy home. Then you will be in your room while they are in hers with the door closed. You will not like that.

At a minimum you should stop treating her like a girlfriend. If she doesn't want to be your girlfriend, then do not buy her gifts or dinners or whatever. Go dutch wherever you go, and do not call her cute names, etc. No need for that. Continue to have sex with her if you want, but cut off the romance. Friends with benefits means "you're here, I'm here - let's have fun." So do that.

If she gets mad, then you just be honest with her - tell her that you like being friends with benefits, and you would like it even better if you could be girlfriend boyfriend -- however, if you're not girlfriend boyfriend then you can't pretend that you are because you will be setting yourself up for a fall. Then ask her if she understands.

If she is still all mad - then you have to just ask her "what do you want?" If she won't answer you - then you just tell her that you really like her and you are happy to be friends with benefits.

Answer 4

I think that she is taking you for granted and using your kindness for weakness. You need to sit down and tell her that you have feelings for her that are more than a friend. Let her know that you are interested in taking it to the next level. If she is unable or unwilling to go to the next level, just tell her that you will be dating other girls. You can still be friends but cut the benefits. Then she will be forced to choose and you will know her true feelings. There is a possibility that you will loose the friendship because she is used to having her way so be prepared for that. You deserve to have someone that can appreciate the things you do for her and do them in return. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that things turn out well!!

Answer 5

Friends with benefits do not live together. Nor do they go out on dates. And they do not fall in love with each other.

The relationship you are in needs to change. Tell her outright that it isn't working for you, and she needs to make up her mind once and for all. Either you are together as a couple, and all that it implies, or you are not. If she says you aren't, one of you needs to move.

I understand that you value her as a friend. But you aren't friends, and you haven't been for some time. That friendship already ended long ago, and you can never get it back exactly as it was. It's too late for that. You can have a wonderful friendship as part of a loving relationship, but not if she doesn't chose that. The longer this current situation goes on, the worse it will end.

Answer 6

She will never marry you because she is just using you for sex and gifts. If you are hoping one day to get married and have a family, you need to move on. Stop living with her and having sex with her. When you find a new gf, the new gf will not let you be friends and hang out with this girl you once had sex with anyways so don't worry about breaking off the friendship with your friend w/benefits.

You can want her to love and respect you forever, but it isn't going to happen. You don't need that drama in your life. Move on.

Answer 7

You are the safety zone. Friends, benefits, gifts, and she is free to do what ever she wants. She has a good thing going on here. You are better then a trained dog.

Bottom line the Friend ship is over, once you sleep and get involved sexually with someone the friendship goes out the window. Tell her either your Friends or dating pick one. If she can not decide then make the choice for her and move out or ask her to move.

Good luck

Answer 8

She has made up her mind............she chose to have you (friends with benefits / roommates) and continue her life of freedom. You on the other hand have fallen comfortably into respecting her by remaining exclusive to her only. This is a problem with most us women (it's how I fell in love with my fiance in the first place). My fiance and I were working together and I was so not interested in having any kind of a relationship with him though he really liked me alot and made no issue of letting everyone know this (flowers, lunch, chocolates......the works). I let him though I knew I wasn't interested. There was this other girl at work who really liked him and soon enough everyone was telling him that he should date the other girl and stop wasting his time on me. After a while he took their advice and started walking her home and that is when I started taking interest in him. He came back to me and to this day I thank God that he blessed me with such a jealous nature, cause today he is the love of my life. Maybe it'll work on her :)

Answer 9

I don't understand the part where you say, "I know this is unhealthy for me." How so? You say you accept it and she accepts it, so where is the unhealthy part? Seems to me your entire "problem" consists of worrying about preconceived ideas of what a relationship is "supposed" to be like. Certainly, your relationship is unconventional in its one-sidedness. However, if it works for the two of you, relax and enjoy it.

I suspect your friend tells you to back off, and then gets upset when you do, because she is going through the same kind of confusion. She is probably constantly telling herself, as you are, what the relationship "ought" to be, which is clashing with doing what simply feels right to her. I recommend you give yourself permission to have the kind of relationship you want and accept, and then verbally tell your friend that you are fine with and and want her to behave however makes her happy too.

Answer 10

Hah! Know what she is?? She's a woman!!!

Here's the thing; when you finally get to the point where "it's either be my girlfriend or move on because my heart can't take it" you'll have to tell her. If you're there now, tell her. Be prepared for her to leave. If you want her gone so you can get your head cleared, don't expect her to be your friend and don't expect her to come back. If that sounds better than what you've got, then go for it. If not, then live with what you've got.

By the way, does she see other guys? Other guys interested in her?