How to deal with the lies of a fiance?

Question

we've been engaged for 5 months, but only lately that he told me about the real situation with him and his family. All the stories that he told me about them was all made up because of a mistake he made years ago. he confessed to me saying that he cant keep it anymore and wants us to have a peaceful life. there was another instance that i asked if it was really his sister, but it also wasnt and it was his good friend. he said its not impt for me those things in the past anymore and was trying to protect me but all i feel is that it was himself that he was trying to protect. he became a different person from the one that i used to know. but he said he wanted to correct those mistakes. i love him and i wanted to give him a chance.

I hope you can give me helpful insights about this. Should i just forget everything of his past and be happy for the both of us?

Thanks for the time, i would really appreciate it.

Answer 1

He is your Fiance!!! If you are going to spend the rest of your life with him...then he can't lie...if he lies you won't be able to trust him....good relationships are built on trust. Are you comfortable when he says he is going over to his friends house to have a few beers that he is really doing that and not picking up girls instead? On the other hand: he might have only lied about his past because he was embarrassed about his past decisions.....everyone has regrets and experiences that they want to forget about. He might have subconsciously blocked those bad relationships or lack of a relationship with his family out. I don't have a PHD or anything, but when someone experiences extreme trauma (emotional or physical) blocking it out and pretending it never happened is the most appealing option. People also choose to fantisize about a different scenario or different (better) choices that could have been made to create a more appealing turnout. They concentrate on these fantasies to help deal with the self-blame/regret and soon the fantasies become reality for them.
The bottom line is this:
If he lies about insignifigant things at random moments he might be a nervous or easily intimidated person....or he might just be a un-trustworthy and manipulative person. If he has only lied about family problems, then I would give him a second chance to make things right and tell you the WHOLE story......sit down with him and talk! Ask him to tell you everything about his childhood and growing up...even when it starts to get boring dont let him stop because it could lead to something important (an explanation for his behavior). Once you know everything about him, flaws AND attributes....then make your decision about wether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with him...and wether or not your love for him outweighs all the baggage that comes along with him.
Hope I helped!
Syd

Answer 2

I think that the fact that he is starting to tell you these truths without being caught and speaking of them is something to take note of. People do make mistakes, and the only thing that matters after they make them, is what they do to correct those mistakes.

You say that you think he was trying to protect himself. Ask yourself this question. And this only works if you can be completely honest with yourself. Had you known the truth, straight from the start, would you have stayed with him? Would it have put a burden on your relationship?

Sometimes people have different views about how their significant other will handle a situation, and when on the spot will sometimes fabricate a lie, until they are comfortable and sure of how to tell the truth. Unfortunately, this often comes with a price, since once a lie is told, there is always another that has to follow it in order to make the first one stand. Not to mention when they have finally gained the courage to tell the truth, it the lie has to be revealed as well.

This certainly does not excuse him of his lie. However the decision that must be made can only be made by you. You must weigh the importance of these lies, coupled with the probablity of future lies, against your relationship. If indeed you do continue the relationship, communication and how you handle this situation can govern future situations. If you fly off the handle then he will be less likely to come forward next time. But if you are calm, yet stern and forthcoming about your attitude about these lies and how they arent necessary not healthy for your relationship, then he should feel more comfortable telling you difficult to handle information.

Answer 3

All of these lies are probably just the tip of the iceberg. The questioning and doubts you are feeling is the little voice in your head , called reason. You are right on, when you suggested that he is trying to protect himself. Do yourself a favor and back away from this relationship. Anything that is lasting and real is made out of honesty and concern for the other persons best intrests. That is what love is all about. You are looking for a guy who is gold, and you have one that is, at best, tin.

Answer 4

Well honestly what you have to think of first is if you would have known from the start, would you be with him now? Did he tell you things because he cared so much for you that he didn't want to involve you at the time or just didn't want to scare you away. My boyfriend did something similar to me and i thank God that he did, because had i of known them what i know now, then i would have never thought twice about a relationship with him. With giving him the chance i found happiness, so you have to evaluate your relationship and see if these lies benefited you in anyway, if so then just let him know it was wrong and from then on the truth is paramount to yawls relationship. Lies aren't always a bad thing, not at all taking up for him, but it just depends on his motive behind them. Good Luck!!!

Answer 5

it is true that it takes a very long time to regain trust. but for me, i think his courage he has to have to tell you the truth is a lot. he told you the truth even though he knows you might call off the engagement. i think that all he wants is for you two to have a peaceful life. i don't think its selfish because if he kept on telling his lies to you until you're married and you'd think you're in a happy marriage when in fact not, i think that'll be more selfish, isn't it? maybe his situation is just really tough that he really had to lie before. i mean, did everything else except that prove that he really loves you? do you believe that he really loves you? like said above, nobody's perfect. i think he already had the courage to tell you the truth because he is already confident that you can accept him for whoever he is. he doesnt want to lose you. i know its really hard for you, if you need time, get it. maybe you should give him another chance... but if he makes another lie, end it. just my opinion. but right now, i think its not only you who's hurting right now, i believe its hard for him too. but its your decision... after all, he still lied. But i don't think its the right time to decide yet when your emotions are dominating your reason. Honesty and openness are two of the most impt factors of a healthy relationship.

Answer 6

Spend a little time here in the Marriage & Divorce category, and you will find many, many married women asking questions as a result of feeling extremely upset and betrayed about lies their husbands have told them. As a man who has been married for 21 years, I can tell you with certainty that it is absolutely essential to marital longevity for there to be trust between spouses! People who engage in patterns of lies, such as your fiance did, rarely change. Lying works, they have discovered. It allows them to avoid confrontation, makes others regard them more highly, and provides an easy out in nearly any situation. Once they get good at lying, it's so rewarding that it's nearly impossible for them to stop it. I guarantee you: if you marry a liar, you will regret it.

Answer 7

you should not mind/emphasize too much abt his past but at least you should KNOW everything abt it especially that's the person you are going to marry. it sounds like he is hiding something from you for whatever reasons. honesty is #1 key thing in a relationship. if you guys are being serious, there should be no lies, at least not at this stage of your relationship. if he has to lie abt all these "little things"(at least he thinks they are), then for sure he will lie abt all those bigger things even after you guys get married. he may not lie to u in the future, but how do you know since he has done so? the trust level has gone down, right? and definitely he has to do something to rebuild your trust on him. if he made mistakes in the past, he should at least tell you and you should support him and help him to correct them if possible. but leaving the past behind is not a good idea. it will only bother you for the rest of your life..

Answer 8

I really wanted to say "give him a second chance" but it doesn't feel right if he lied about his family. No matter what they did they are his family. If I am correct you also wrote that his personality has changed too. This is not a very healthy situation for a relationship.
But it is your choice to forgive him or forget him.

Answer 9

Some guys like to make up stories, either to make themselves look good or for you to feel sorry for them. He shouldn't have lied to you, and I'm sure the only reason he confessed is because you will be married and want to meet his family.
When he looks into your eyes and tells you he loves you, do you believe it? If so, then give your relationship a chance. Stay enganged for awhile. No one is perfect.

Answer 10

Girl, I say run while you can, and be glad this came out before the wedding. He is still lying to cover himself, he is only putting out there what your going to find out anyways. He is still hiding what he wants NOT to protect YOU, to protect him FROM you finding out! Look closely into your heart the answer is there and you know it! You will find someone else to love, someone WORTH your love. Someone honest and sincere who won't insult you with lies. Think hard. no one can tell you what to do, its your life , your decision, and only you know what you'll put up with. But, is this it? Is this what your willing to put up with a liar, with hidden women in his life?? Your head is above your heart for a reason, Love is blind, use your head?! If your friend came to you with this situation what would your advice be??