Another Poem... What Do You Think?

Question

Forgotten like socks
Underneath teenage beds my existence lied hidden from my eyes
In grade six
Until Caucasian lips
Forced poetry into lesson plans
Witch then forced my mix hands
To feed words onto blue lines
Giving me the freedom to regurgitate memories for a grade
Dried tears lied in the middle of note books and these note books became my own history books because in grade seven it became apparent that
Yellow skin does not have a section in social studies text books
Suicide thoughts came from pen points like thunder in a rain storm
I drew my scars with pried only to hide the pain I felt
Then I fell for a stuttering slam poet
Whose poetry never stuttered and if it did
Well poetry taught me how to look past that
Funny how our eyes only met between stanzas
Poetry helped our hands meet in every line brake
I carved memories of a beautiful mistress on lose leaf
Verbally drew salted water falls on scrap paper
And fought bipolar battles with ink

I have written my auto biography
Not up to now but up to last night

Answer 1

it sounds very bitter to me, but well written, it conveys your thoughts I believe

Answer 2

First of all, it's "which", not "witch", "loose leaf", not "lose leaf", "pride", not "pried". Secondly, you've written prose with awkward line breaks. I know you wanted to write poetry, but it's prose. You know it's prose when you can get rid of the line breaks and read everything as if it were a sentence without poetic device. There are no metaphors, no similes, not even hyperbole. Finally, "regurgitate" is not a really good word to use in a poem...too many negative connotations.

However, you've made an attempt at poetry, and that's a start. Try reading more poetry and you may get a better feel for what it looks like. Poetry "shows", it doesn't "tell", and if you read more, you'll see what I mean.

...but keep writing

Answer 3

I liked this. The execution of it was pretty choppy but it looked like a very early draft to me. I thought there were some very nice pieces of originality. I liked "forgotten like socks underneath teenage beds" and the contrast of how they lie hidden like ourselves, esp. at that age.
I also liked how you expressed feeling forced to think about poetry by a white person and how it somehow called something out of you "to feed words onto blue lines" (assuming a notebook) and "giving me the freedom..."
I liked how your tears archived your heartbreak and were a reminder for you like a personal history lesson. Really lovely stuff.
I liked the contrast of caucasian echoing without being said later with you talking about how "yellow skin" doesn't have a presence in text books in this country.
I could go on.
I am saying I think that you have done a very credible job here, without me even finishing my thoughts on the second half of the poem....you have done a very credible job of establishing you are capable of making observations, of creating images that work. Without being self-conscious or cloying.

Actually, the last half is very powerful!

"fell for a stuttering slam poet
whose poetry never stuttered and if it did"
Wow! You have the capacity to question!

I thought this entire piece had something in almost every line, raw, yes, but worth developing and working on, absolutely yes. This is a very intelligent, forward looking, in fact, very mature piece of work from somebody I assume is still a teenager.

I encourage you to keep at this. I think you have real talent here. Thank you for sharing your work. This is an excellent beginning.

Margot

Answer 4

You need to take some Community College Poetry Classes.
Don't write the way you speak, write it in lyrics, like music. Music and Poetry go hand in hand. Need Improvement. Keep practicing. Also, Read MoRE It will help to build up your vocabulary.

Answer 5

very nice poem, I liked reading it,
the good flow of words was like music,
this is the kind of poetry I like,
but may I make suggestions,
it's lay hidden instead of lied hidden, which instead of witch,
tears laid instead of tears lied, pride instead of pried, mixed hand instead of mix hand, loose leaf instead of lose leaf.
to be sure don't forget to push the check spelling button.
you may also consider counting the syllables per line.

Answer 6

Its nice...but a lot of the passion is lost in the poor grammar and misspelled words.

Answer 7

nice... but needs more work!