To all my poet friends...miss me? Here's one, comments?

Question

Missing you

If I can write a letter in the sky
I would…But without you is hard
My tears are slipping in my cheeks dry
Each tear, a painful new scar.

I miss you so much
Words cannot describe how
I need your presence, and your touch
I want you here, I want you now.

Solitude follows me like a shadow
Watching the stars falls
I can hear your heart, so mellow
I miss you, hear my calls.

Answer 1

Nice poem, but you have a few hard spots. For example, "hard" and "scar"...close..but close enough? Also, the second line is awkward, consider revising by changing "is" to "it's". Then in line three, you're trying too hard to rhyme..."slipping in my cheeks dry" just doesn't work. You could say, "tears running down cheeks once dry" and it would sound a little more natural.

Second stanza is 'okay'. Last stanza...change "falls" to "fall" and "calls" to "call", and "hear your heart" to "feel your heart" so it doesn't compete with "hear" in the last line.

keep writing

Answer 2

Silence builds an awful wreckage of a girl
It feeds on loneliness and creates a void
Gray shadows haunt and torment and torture
A woman is stricken and destroyed

There is no sound of laughter or happiness here
The little one has thrown in the towel today
Somber, melancholy moods decay the soul
It is futile to hope and dream and pray

Emptiness builds a home in this woman
In this girl, this child where hollows have bred
A deepening sea of nowhereness consumes
And eats away at every connecting thread

Confusion feeds like a savage inside her,
Leaving nothing considered worthy remains
Destined to walk through life less ordinary
Alone, exiled, different and disdained.

Answer 3

I think you need to get over tendency toward cliches and taking the easy way out and coming up with original expressions...similes, metaphors, that sort of thing.

What we have here right now is none of that, with the possible exception of "my tears are slipping in my cheeks" (better would be "down my cheeks"?) and "solitude follows me like a shadow." And both of these, from an artistic point of view, are marginal.

Answer 4

Hi Marilyn,

I very much like this line:

Solitude follows me like a shadow

Answer 5

i like the letter in the sky and solitude like shadow

Answer 6

I'm with Wandering Alien - it's boring.

Answer 7

Very nice.

Answer 8

I like it!

Answer 9

...you lost me in the first few lines there...didn't finish reading it...just wasn't interested...

Answer 10

poetry has always sucked.. i see it will always suck forever.