What do you think of this Ancient Egypt themed poem about death . . . that has a modern-day twist?

Question

Yawning shriveled parchment face with rotten eyes
Embalmed, leering, scaring away the nauseated flies
Disinterred and swinging on a rusting hook
Once the Pharaoh, now an anonymous crook
Your bombastic life filled with petty lies



Whip to the crack, flail to the slaves
Suffering under charlatan knaves
Knotted backs trembling, pocked with scars
Destinies written on the uncaring stars
Persecute the heathens from barbaric enclaves . . .


(The rest of this poem is HERE: http://elfwood.lysator.liu.se/libr/p/j/pjdoyle/death_poem.htm.html )

Answer 1

It has potential, but I'm not sure Pharoahs are considered "crooks", and Satan was not an Egyptian diety. Also, some of the lines rhymes are a little off, but easily fixed...difficult to remember since they're on a different website...the one that quickly comes to mind needed to become "their ...." something that doesn't end with an "s" that could become an "s" if you used "their" instead of "the"...sorry, I don't recall which line, but it was a last line in a stanza that needed an "s".

Also, "knaves" were an English invention...so if you're going to do Egyptian, I'd suggest you find something befitting that venue and timeframe.

As always, you can keep an extended rhyme/story going, which is a good thing. You just need to tune it up a little.

keep writing

Answer 2

I loved it, did you say that you write books?
have to go read it again, bad memory...lol

Answer 3

um. it's not my style, but it sounded like something that would appeal to my scary goth friends.

Answer 4

first part disinterested me enough, I didn't follow the link.