How do I get my husband to stop working so much and help around the house and with the kids?

Question

Me and my husband have a 2 year old and a 6 week old newborn. I am a full-time student and he works with his dad (His dad owns the business). However, I do not start school till the end of august so I have been staying at home with the kids. I feel like I am the only one who can do household chores and the only one that can take care of the kids. He works about 60+ hours a week and by the time he gets home, our two year old is in bed and he's to tired to even talk to me. He doesnt help with anything. And he makes me feel like he doesnt appreciate all that I do --keeping our house, bills, and kids managed. I understand that he brings in the income, but he gets paid salary--NO OVERTIME and he continues to work like this. He has told his parents that he works to much (so he says) but he continues to let them run over him. How can I make him understand that I do alot and that he is going to have to be here when I start school again... for me and for the kids. We arent even close..

Everyone is saying "get a good paying job" and "you arent bringing in any income"....Well that is what we are trying to make happen...that is the whole point of school. And we decided together that this is what we would do, and I am almost done with school. AND I am not tyring to be selfish..I appreciate everything he does and I tell him all the time. (to which he has no response).. I just want to find a way to make him realize that his family needs him....

Answer 1

from the way you worded this I feel that the lack of respect is going both ways here. Are you showing him appreciation for all he does? Many husbands work more than full time (like mine) and many wives stay home and watch the kids and clean the house etc. The appreciation needs to work both ways. Men need respect and appreciation just as much as women do.WHen my husband works 60 hours or more he doesn't feel like talking much either. Put it a differnt way though, if you were working 60 hours a week what would you feel like doing when you get home. I am not saying he's right and you're wrong, I'm trying to point out that the two of you don't appear to be appreciating one another. You need to sit down and talk with him about what it's going to be like when you start back to school. Who is going to do what? What time will he get home? How is he going to make sure his job gets done and he's home on time? My husband has had many salary jobs that he worked more than 40 hrs a week for. The way I see it is whether it's his parents business or someone elses it is up to him to make the decisions regarding his job and career. You need to spend some time with him figuring out how the kids and chores will be taken care of once you start back to school. I recommend the two of you dicussing your strengths and weaknesses regarding the kids and house cleaning and then start dividing up the chores. I hate dishes so my husband will do them. He hates mowing the lawn so I do that etc. With a two year old, a newborn and a wife going to school, surely you can see that this isn't easy for him either. This is where teamwork comes in. This is where love and respect grows or resentment builds. This is the time to chose to have a healthy positive marriage

Answer 2

I see this as an odd thing to think of as a problem.

I am a single mother of two children, worked a full time job that required just over 40 hours a week, and attended college full time for four + years. The house remained clean, the bills remained paid, and the stomachs remained full.

Anyways, you do need to discuss this with him. He does work for a family business that should be flexible with the amount of hours worked. To get a discussion in with him, cook him his favorite dinner, give him his favorite drink, give him a massage, and when he begins relaxing during the massage, bring up the topic of you beginning school soon and that you need suggestions and/or support with the kids so that you can concentrate on your education.

As for the appreciation, I get the feeling from reading your question that you do not necessarily appreciate the efforts that your husband is making to provide for his growing family. On the flip side, a lot of men do not realize that taking care of the house, children, cooking, cleaning, paying bills, and so on is a full time job that does not have a start and end time. It is a job that requires the hours of 24/7. With a 6-week old, you are more than likely going early in the morning till late at night with night time sleep interuptions here and there. This means that in reality you work more hours than your husband does.
As someone else stated, you and your husband need to realize what each other does to support your family and learn to respect the activities that each one performs... until that happens you will always have issues with getting help from him and he will always have issues thinking that you kick back all day long and do nothing.

Answer 3

Wow, this is a call for a separation in the big time. if you have family that is willing to help you out, then I would start getting them to help you out with the chores for a two year old and a 6 week old.
So, when your husband comes home and asks why so and so is here, just explain to him that because you are going to go back to school and he never seems to help out, one of your family members is going to get used to the layout of the home, the schedules for schooling, the fact that you have to get a part-time job and what you and him should come up with a pay plan( which may be cheaper than a daycare center) and that if they cannot make it home, where they are going to sleep at and such.
You should do that if you can. Maybe he would realize that he does not like an extra person in his house all the time. If they cannot come to you and they live near the school that you are going to, maybe you can go to them and have him come home to an empty home. Your husband would be working and you would be at school and at work yourself and your kids would be looked after. You can take half of the check(or 1/3) and pay them for the child care and take some and put that away in your own separate account.
I hope these ideas works. I wish you never but good luck.

Answer 4

He needs to rethink his priorities. These men here saying oh, we're so tired after working all these hours and we just want to flop.....don't they realize that a stay at home mom is actually working 24/7------ESPECIALLY with a six week old infant. They don't realize how stressful it can be when your children are crying and the phone's ringing and there's poop all up and down your kid's back and bottom and legs from an explosive bowel movement, and you need to chop the vegetables and scrub EVERYTHING. When do you get a chance for even a leisurely trip to the bathroom?
Will these guys get over themselves and realize that NO MATTER HOW MANY HOURS they spend at their jobs, YOU ARE WORKING MUCH MORE THAN THEY.
You do tell him how much you appreciate him bringing in an income, and that is good. He's the one who is not responding. He seems overtaken by his parents' wishes....but he's a big boy now and he's got a family of his own. Money is not a replacement for being there for your kids.

I suggest marital counseling. An often successful way of getting the other partner involved is to first go yourself, so say, I need this to help me....then your therapist will get him involved after a couple of sessions. ;)

Answer 5

I'm sorry, but as long as you are not bringing in an income, you're job is the house work. What is going to happen when you start back to school? I firmly believe if the husband is the sole bread winner then the wife needs to be the one taking care of the house, what do you expect him to do after working 60+ hours a week, you are home during the day..moms do it all the time take care of kids and keep the house clean. I did it for three years and I babysat out of my home and managed to keep the house clean and have dinner on the table when my hubby got home, that was my job.

Answer 6

I can totally relate to this. My husband works 60 to 65 hours a week. I am home full time with our daughter and I also do daycare. I keep the house and meet most of our daughter's needs. Every time he reaches into the cupboard and gets a clean glass he doesn't seem to wonder how they get there when he leaves the on the counter used. Same with his magic closet that always hold clean clothes! He also from time to time makes comments without thinking about me being home. He seems to be under the impression I do nothing all day and night. That stings. I work very hard to keep things going here. I managed to get through to him a little by stopping a task or two. For example...Ooooppps! I forgot to wash your clothes! (not his work clothes mind you...just jeans and what not). He felt that. And it opened his eyes a little. I talked and talked and that did nothing...so this little pushed seems to have helped. :)

Good luck hun. I feel your pain! :)

Answer 7

I work 60 hours a week and am married. When you figure in a weeks worth of sleep you get almost no free time! I work for the benefit of my family. If I worked only 40 hours then naturaly I would help out alot more myself but the simple fac is someone who works 60 hours is in reality working a full time and a part time job! I wonder if you ever thought how tired a 60 hour week can make someone feel? if you work 60 hours plus 50 hours a week for sleep plus 6 hours for the work commute it equals 122 hours you minus that from the 168 hours in a week and divide that by 7 and you get 6.5 hours a day free. Now after eating and showering maybe its 5 hours free a day. Withall that in mind what would you have me do with my wonderful free abundance of time???

Answer 8

You need to read up on how "equal" the single mothers with the deadbeat husbands/boyfriends are doing. Wow, I can't even begin to tell you how selfish you are.

I don't doubt you are serious about your complaint, because that's what 40 years of feminism and 30 years of daytime talk shows, and womens magazines tell you to do.

Here's a clue..THEY WERE WRONG!!!.

I know, I did the stay at home dad thing with a infant and 3y/o for over 3 years, and believe me it was WAYY easier than any other job I had, from drilling oil wells to flying airplanes. I could have the house cleaned, kids fed, and manage to read books all day long, for myself and my kids. I took them to the park and when my wife came home she always had a hot meal. She laments over not having that time with them, and spoils the hell out of them now to make up for lost time.


Staying at home was a CAKE WALK, the only thing that got to me was not having adult conversation until my wife got home from work. Then I would pounce on her and all she wanted to do was play with the kids. By the way, I never told her I had a "headache" either when it came to sex, like women seem to do.

Husband, father of two and from a family of 10 brothers and sisters, so I know about kids.

Answer 9

You need to discuss this with him. You are about to enter into a really busy and hectic period in your lives and you need to work out the details together. Obviously, the most important thing is that your children are cared for. Make sure that one of you is there to take care of them or that you have reliable childcare lined up.

It sounds like right now you have a severe lack of communication. You need to talk more and make sure that you understand each other and what it is you both do to contribute to your family.

I'm sure he wants you to get back to school and be a success, so just let him know what you need from him to make that happen and you guys will be able to work it out.

Good luck!

Answer 10

tell him that you really need to talk to him and ask that he take a day off of work before you go back to school. ( if he gets paid salary it won't cost money and for all the overtime he works he deserves an extra day off ) then find arrangements for the oldest if not even the baby and sit down and have a heart to heart with hubby with no interruptions- tell him cell phones/ home phone can go to voicemail (unless its the babysitter, of course!). he'd probably appreciate some rest too if he is so tired he doesn't even speak to you when he comes home at night.