I have a 15 year old that thinks she can stay out past 11:00 p.m. even if she has a birthday to go to.?

Question

She is very disrespectful and tells me that she hates me and doesn't like me; but i don't feel like she needs to be out late at night even if she was 16. What do you think.

Answer 1

YOU'VE TRAINED HER TO BE THIS WAY, AND NOW, YOU NEED TO RETRAIN HER (although 16 is very old for this plan). Here's what you do:
1) Calmly sit with her and using a flat, emotionally dry, robotic and calm voice, tell her your concerned about the relationship and her late night behaviors. If she begins to scream, get up calmly and walk away. try again twice. If she scream and tells you she hates you, then you become more assertive.
2) Stop all privileges you control (no more cell phone- cut it off, no room cable for her TV, no room phone, you no longer cook for her- she cooks for herself, she does her laundry and cleans her dishes - buy paper plates if need be to make your point, and stow them away where only you can find them, etc.) w/o getting into a battle. Say no more, engage her no more. Wait a week. You'll notice that she will escalate and become more belligerent than ever (this is called the extinction curve)-- you've changed the game plan and upset the homeostasis and this is the result. Don't cave no matter what.
3) Discussions about late nights are over-- it's now action time. If she stays out, call the police and have her picked up in a public, highly visible, embarrassing place (club, with her friends, at a friends home, etc.). When brought home, walk away, don't engage her... all talk of misbehavior is over, only action will work.
4) If she attempts to finally engage you b/c of her loss of privileges, walk away and tell her you're not ready yet (say this in a calm, quiet, rational voice-- don't get excited as this will feed the problem). She needs to see that you're on strike and feel the pinch for about 2-3 weeks.
5) After 3 weeks, agree to talk with her, but on the condition that she will listen and not be disrespectful. When you talk, make a behavioral contract (you can find them all over the net).
6) She has to earn each privilege individually, e.g., phone requires 1 week of being home on time and not one incident of disrespect. etc.
7) Stick to your guns-- don't deviate one inch! be prepared to go on strike again, but the next time it's for a month.

Read: Parent Effectiveness Training; Natural and Logical Consequences; Reality Therapy. All can be summarized on the net, great advice for parents.

Remember, she is now mother deaf... so you say nothing and always go into action. This will be painful for you... but it's effective 90% of the time. Beware, if she is a high run risk, this may trigger a run-away problem.

Good Luck!

Answer 2

I can take both sides here. When I was 15 my mom would tell me I couldn't go out past a certain time. I was never doing anything wrong, I was always a good girl, but felt punished when I had a curfew. On the other side you don't want to let her stay out all night. If you know where she is, what she's doing, and she calls to check up with you I think it's ok to let her stay out until things are over(nothing sucks more than when everyone else is hanging out or a concert is still going on and you have to leave).

I worry that she's being so defiant..it might be because she's being a normal teen, but it might be other issues. Either with her or with how you've raised her up to now.

Answer 3

I agree that she should be home by 11 at 15. The fact that she tells you she hates you (at the hormonal age of 15) is telling you that you are doing your job.

17 is the average age that many young people begin having sex, and teenage pregnancy and a young life filled with poverty are right around the corner. Doesn't that help you feel like you are on the right track?

Be flexible when you can and inflexible when you have to. No one wants to live under military dictatorship. Remember that respect is earned not given (and is a two way street). Don't be a pushover and don't be a deaf dictator!

Good luck!

Answer 4

Who's the adult here?
Who's the Mother?
Who's the one that runs the household?

You're not meant to be a "friend" to her, you're meant to be a parent.
That's ok, she doesn't have to like you, and she probably won't for a few years.
That doesn't mean you let her do whatever she wants.
I remember as a teenager I didn't like my Mother either. But she knew what was right for me.
As a Mother our jobs are:
To keep our children healthy
To teach our children right from wrong
To keep our children safe
To prepare our children for the real world.

Do YOUR JOB, be a Mother, not a friend.
Set the rules, if she doesn't like them, then set the time back even further. Until she realizes YOU are the boss...YOU set the rules.
It's not up to HER.

That's the trouble with parents today, they don't know how to have control over their kids.
They're afraid to say NO.
Well believe me, if you don't get a handle on it now so that she knows who the boss is (YOU), you are only opening yourself up for a lot of bigger problems to come.

You better decide "who" sets the rules, "who" runs the house, and "who" the boss is.
Or you're not going to have a choice, she'll be doing whatever she damn well pleases.....

Answer 5

Your 15 year old needs the household rules told to her AGAIN. She's only 15, still a baby, mentally, but old enough to have a baby of her own. You're the parent and she's the child. You make rules to protect her even though she doesn't understand that, yet. Hopefully dad is there to reenforce the rules. If he's not there, then you must be stronger. When she is grown, has her own place and supports herself, then she can make her own rules. STAY STRONG, MOM!! (I'm saying a prayer for you right now).

Answer 6

I had to be in by 9 during the week and on weekends by 11 it was like that until i was 18.You let her get away with to much when she was younger it's to late now you just have to ride this one out. My son had to be in by dark and he knew better then go against me. I'm not putting you down but i just don't understand how your child or anyone child can walk over their parents and get away with it.Don't your husband take over when she doesn't listen to you. She needs to have everything i mean everything taken away from her and not allowed out of the house or have anyone over. When did she become boss over you.When she tells you she hates you pick something up and throw it at her.I told my mother i hated her and she came at me like a wild woman needless to say i never said that to her again that's what you need to do. Why should she listen to you,you don't do anything when she talks back to you. If you think yelling is doing something your wrong that only feeds the fire. Your the boss let her know that. I told my son early on that if you ever called the cops on me that would be the last call he ever made because i would kill him before the cops ever got there. Of course i would never but what it did was to let him know that i was the boss and he was going to listen to me and that was that. I never ever had a problem with my son he was a good boy now he is 26 and the best son a mother could want.

Answer 7

Id start with taking the cell phone away, not letting her see certain friends and so forth. I was able to go out late when I was a teen and I got into nothing but trouble. I took it as my parents did not care about me and left me to do whatever. There is nothing fr this age to do at that time anyway except get into trouble. Don't forget who is the mom and who is the child. Where is the dad in all this, he needs to be not allowing her to talk to you that way. Good luck with this and God bless you

Answer 8

Well, if you said she was a straight A student and was a mature young adult, I would say 11pm is okay.. But, considering she is disrespectful to you, put your foot down and don't let her do ****... She will learn... Where I live if your under 18 and caught out after 12 am the cops will pick you up and from there it is no fun...Let that happen to her... your the mother and she needs to pull her head out of her *** and realize this...

Answer 9

You are right. If she is being so disrespectful, she shouldn't even be going out at all. Ground her. She may not agree with or like your rules but too bad. Put her in her place. It's not too late. I never let my girls disrespect me. They know it's not tolerated.

Answer 10

She wants independent rights without independent obligations, huh? Start treating her like an adult, charge her for rent, food, let her do her own laundry, pay for her stuff, maybe then she'll understand she's not an adult and will want to cherish her young years a little longer.