Death of a man's mother?

Question

My husband lost his mother to a drunk driver around 3 years ago. Ever since that day he has said he is fine; that he is over it and is happy and has moved on. He is not one to communicate Since her passing we have had 2 children; our only two. her first grandchildren. Being my parents are still alive, I have no way to understand him more. We are on the brink of divorce because there seems to be no connection between us anymore he seems to not care He says he loves me and our children, but he wants to be happy and live "The Secret" (you know, the book). He wants me to be completely happy and voice no concerns because they are basically just part of me being a drama queen. I love him I do but It is really getting hard to hold on to our marriage I try to understand him but to him I never do. He says he has no parents now; being his parents divorced when he was young and his Dad never stayed a part of his life. How do I get him to talk to me or how can I understand him better

Answer 1

WOW, I think I know exactly what is wrong with your hubby. The key words here are yours, "He is not one to communicate" And you ask him, "you ok?" and the lid stays on the bottle as he says, "I'm fine" and thoughts go through his mind about his mother dies, and life goes on as if nothing happened. His depression is obvious, he WILL continue to drift away, further and further into his shell and distance himself more and more because he can NOT communicate verbally as he has tried and becomes MORE frustrated and MORE depressed, and you say "I have no way to understand you" He needs professional help dealing with these issues. He is DEPRESSED, and needs HELP!
He needs a form of communicating, this is important also.

Answer 2

I don't think has nothing to do with his mom's death. He doesn't love you anymore, that's the problem.

He isn't following the book "The Secret" because I read it too and says that you have to concentrate and be thankful for the good aspects of your partner. He isn't doing that when he tells you that you are a drama queen.

You and him should take responsability about what you are doing wrong, assume that and try to change. Not "it's your fault" story. Tell him to grow up.

ps: read the book too and watch the movie. You will understand what I am talking about. It really works if you do it right!

Answer 3

>My husband lost his mother to a drunk driver around 3 years ago.

That's rough. It's not like cancer or a prolonged illness where you can see the loss coming. That hits you out of the blue. Hard to deal with.

>Ever since that day he has said he is fine; that he is over it

That's denial. Nobody loses a parent and is over it right away.
Sounds like he just never dealt with it. Grief and loss is a process.

>He is not one to communicate

That's not good. Not healthy.

>Since her passing we have had 2 children; our only two.

That's even harder, I think. Because when you have children it brings forth all kinds of childhood memories and we literally become (for better or for worse) our parents. We all do that as parents. We'll catch ourselves saying or doing something that our own parents used to do.

>Being my parents are still alive, I have no way to understand him more.

No, you have no way to understand him because he is not talking to you. Lucky that he has a wife who would like to talk with him. Good things for him but worth little or nothing if he doesn't take you up on it. Very sad.

>We are on the brink of divorce because there seems to be no connection between us anymore

That's tough. Don't give up until you try a few things -- unless you already have.

>...he seems to not care

That's hard to say with a man who doesn't communicate. He might care a lot but he also might be depressed and has shut down.

>He says he loves me and our children, but he wants to be happy and live "The Secret" (you know, the book).

Nahhhh... Eheh. Nope... This is a mask for denial. This is a way he can avoid dealing with a bunch of heavy stuff. They guy's out of his league so he's shut himself off from the rest of the world -- it sounds like. That's sad. And he might be doing the best he can do.

I really don't know what you can do for somebody who won't do for himself.

>He wants me to be completely happy and voice no concerns because they are basically just part of me being a drama queen.

Nope. Your concerns are legitimate. You're a woman. Women need closeness. An avoidant guy isn't going to provide that closeness and so you feel empty. You're not being a drama queen. This guy is lucky to have a woman who cares and who wants to talk. Remind yourself that you're a good catch, whether he realizes it or not.

>I love him I do but It is really getting hard to hold on to our marriage

Yes, it would be. I can understand how you feel. But don't throw it all out until you do a separation but don't do that until you get some counseling. If he won't go to counseling then you go by yourself.

>I try to understand him but to him I never do.

It's not you. You can't understand somebody who won't share where they're at.

>He says he has no parents now; being his parents divorced when he was young and his Dad never stayed a part of his life.

He could look his dad up and try to re-connect if he wanted to take a risk. But it would be a risk.

>How do I get him to talk to me...

I don't think you can. I'm not sure you can compel somebody to talk to you. All you can do is say what you want. It's up to him to give you what you want or ignore you or tell you that he can't or whatever. That's not your part in this. Just be clear on what you want.

> ... or how can I understand him better

Sounds to me like you understand him as well as you're going to. You really don't have much more to go on.

Get counciling. Talk to other married friends. Talk to a pastor or somebody at your church if you go to one.

Take care of yourself. You're living in a desert. You need water but you have to water yourself. Join a book club or a playgroup and get connected with some other people who you can talk with.

Sadly, you'll have to depend on your friendships to do what your marriage isn't doing. You need friendship and connection. It's not as good as the connection you get from a good marriage but it will help.

Good luck to you.

Best wishes!

Answer 4

Hang in there, my husband lost his mom a year ago and he is a total different person, each person grieves in a different way, he still loves you, he just needs time to get over his mom, and because his dad was not in his life it will take him a little longer, be there for him, good luck

Answer 5

You can't if he doesn't trust you enough to open up then there isn't anything you can do. It took 18 years before my husband opened up to me. For some reason he doesn't trust you and until you can get to the bottom of that you will continue to get the silent treatment.

Answer 6

Try going to counseling. You can't save your marriage by yourself. He has to be willing to try. Pray, pray alot.