How do you deal with the realisation that?

Question

Your troublesome past, which you thought you had sort of control over, has been in control all along?
Ive had trouble letting people get close, especially men due to stuff that has happened when i was younger.
The problem is i work in a pub. And the land lord said that this lad (call him x) likes me, and hes a really nice guy, so he'd get x's number for me, and that i should let him take me out sometime. I said no, cause i wouldn't know what it would lead to. The land lord then said, 'well, it might lead to him loving you'. And that absolutely terrified me, ive never been so scared in all my life, i was actually crying at the thought of letting someone get so close.
I know i cant live my life as a solitary spinster, but if ever anyone does get close, the frightened part of me, stuck in the past, pushes them away, and its push is so much stronger than my need for companionship, also i fear being hurt.
I am my own worst enemy, i know.
Does anyone else have this problem??

Please do read my question.
I don't want, or need advice on how to get over my past. None of it works.

Ive tried councilling. And never want to do it again. My councillor just blamed everything on my step-sister. It was totally uncalled for, and she was wrong.

mom8692 - Forgive??? My generosity doesnt go as far as to forgive the sick, twisted b4stard that ruined my life.

Answer 1

I remember once, talking to a therapist, and he asked me to try to feel what it would be like living with complete freedom from the **** that happened to me growing up. When I caught a glimpse, just for an imagined second, of what 'freedom' might be like, I just about went screaming out the door. It terrified me because I have no control over it. When you have a lot of baggage from the past, you get used to it, and I personally seem to thrive on the anger that comes with it. Being without that leaves the unknown and I ran from that for years.
People feel like you. People have been through what you have been through and maybe even worse.
You can come to terms with this Girlie, you deserve good things and you can turn this thing around.
I'd love to hear from you if you want to 'talk' about it.

Answer 2

Forget about the past; it happened, you can't change it. Most psychologists are full of sh1t anyway, so you can't count on them to help you unless you find a good one (what a waste of money). You've obviously done everything you can to reconcile, so if nothing else works then might as well say f*ck it and think about the future instead.

You have to get reaccustomed to trusting people, but how fast you do that is up to you. That probably means going at your own pace and selecting someone on your own, not having other people "hook you up". Not to make you paranoid, but whenever anyone wants to hook you up with their friend, they always describe them as "a really nice guy", so that doesn't mean much. I'd tell the landlord you can find a guy on your own and in your own sweet time.

That's not to say you shouldn't ever start dating a friend of a friend. It may actually be a good way to go, since you have a way of occasionally seeing that person and getting to know them slowly. You'll have time to decide if they are nice by your standards, and then you can have your friend give you his phone number and you can manage everything by yourself without all the "hookups".Or, if you would rather do it by yourself, join a club, organization or something of that nature and you will have a way of turning an acquaintanceship into a friendship, then into a date at your own pace.

If you ever get uncomfortable or worried, you can always take a few steps back until you feel good about it again. You don't have to rush and meanwhile you can enjoy just making friends with people and learning to expand your trust.

Hope everything works out for you

Answer 3

What ever happened in your past that haunts you still- You need to let go. Forgive the person or persons who wronged you. If it was something you did you need to forgive yourself. It can be hard to let love in once you have put the walls up around yourself. Finding the right person may make all the difference in the world. Take your time and start out as friends. Take things slowly. You didn't say what happened that has made you this way. I hope that you can find that special someone. He is going to have to understand and know what happened to be able to work with you. There are men like that. Take Care and God Bless and watch over you.

Answer 4

Forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person, for all practical purposes it has to do with the rules for the brain. Like the rules for physics they can't be broken without consequences. A negative idea blocks up the brain. The more we think about it, the more energy we put into it. The more we judge it evil and fix on it the stronger it gets. Notice evil is live backwards? We judge something as anti life, death,and we fear it's destroying and that it will destroy our life. That can escalate further if we wish. That's condensing it for simplicity. It's like not having a mental immunes system for a virus, the thought grows and grow until it takes over and we become an abuser of ourself by destroying ourself and we fear ourself because we sense we are doing that.. So we have to put our thoughts on something positive. Now when we do and stay on whatever good there is, we can't think of two things at once but have to shift back and forth. If we don't shift back, the energy, which is really neutral, comes over onto the positive thought and we call it positive energy. It's nothing of the sort, it's just energy and it goes where we put most of our thought. No one wants negative thoughts, so love is stronger than fear. Hate is linked with fear like all negative emotions. Judging that we are ruined for life is false and self fulfilling if we believe it. We have to foregive the perpetrator because now we are the purpetrator on ourself and know we know roughly where they are coming from. They also couldn't handle their hate/fear of whatever got out of hand with them. Fear of abandonment, for instance, is terror of abandonment and so forth. I've had boredom escalate until I feared dieing then terror of dieing, hell and so forth even though I didn't believe in hell before. Now I know it's a delusion by the father of the lie. It's not all conscious, but the rules are simple and conscious. We are not our thoughts we are the awareness of them. When we realize that then we are just watching a horror movie bringing all our fears from the past and into an eternal future into the present that don't really exist as only now exists. We can send all those thoughts back into the non existant times they came from and then now predicts the future as now we really are OK. Going back doen't help or going forward in the imagination. Being here now we realize past isn't real it's gone. That's why science says there is no time, only our concept of it. There's only now and that's really gone already too and the future hasn't come yet either, although we anticipate it will, but it will be a result of now and if we aren't living in the future then now is OK and the future will be too. Otherwise we will drag a gone past and a non existent future into the real future too. As an awareness we can watch the show instead of being in it and we can have complete control of the present. We like to play with the rewind and fast forward for some reason. I guess because we don't realize we are in compete control. We can learn that "the last shall be first." because we will know the way out of this crazy better than anybody. We all have to abandon 'ourselves' anyway. Science tells us we are still two or three as we ceased to be at two or three and we became somebody else, who we were told, forced etc. to be.

Answer 5

I think most people are their own worst enemy. I know I am. I too have a problem letting people get close to me. I have been cheated on and lied to many times. I feel nobody wants to be with me due to my birth defect, which has left me using crutches most of the time. Now for me the hard part is finding someone who wants to spend their life with me. I was in a relationship for 6 years but things happened and he ended up with my "FRIEND" So now it's hard to find someone to trust.

Answer 6

I think you need to deal realistically with what ever took place in the past that is isolating you now. If its as bad as you say, a session or two with a councilor could be a huge help.

Good Luck!

Answer 7

How does someone deal with the realization that her troublesome past, which she thought she had sort of control over, has been in control all along? You stop beating yourself up over it. You stop wallowing in your negativity. And, you move on. Or, you don't.

Answer 8

You don't need advice, you just need to be left alone because that is what you want.