Will our relationship ever be the same?

Question

I married in July last year, in August however I started suffering from severe depression. A week after my anniversary we had a disaggreement about money and the fact that he wasn't working. He went off in a huff and I was left alone for an hour to think to myself, which didn't end well. I decided to go for a walk to try to calm down, I ended up in my local park sitting on the swings and crying my eyes out. I felt I had nowhere left to turn, nowhere to go and nobody to speak to. I was a total mess. The next day he hadn't gone into work so I said he needed to start working and he promised he would.

Ever since that night though i've felt so detached from him. I'm not sure we have a future together anymore. I think I still love him but now i'm just so uncertain. I think I lost something that night and i'm giving it time to see if it returns. But this has happend in the past with my father and things still aren't right with him years later. What do I do now?

i'm not trying to compare hubby to my father, i comparing the situation and how it made me feel. i went to my dad when i was 17 and told him i was having problems with depressionand he hit me, therefore our relationship has not been the same. i asked for his help and responded badly, i have forgiven but it's hard to forget.

i know marriage can include fighting but i offered him an olive branch during the fight and he slapped it away. i don't shout when i fight, i don't lose my temper, i clam up and bottle everything inside. it's a problem.

i'm taking meds, i see my doc regularly, i've been refered to a shrink and i have a crisis team checking on me. but it's taken almost a year to get that referral.

my work, yes well that's part of the problem. i quit my previous job, applied for benefits, found i was 'inelligible' and was looking for work before my doc said i was unfit to work. i'm still looking though and finding it hard.

i really can't talk to him about our relationship. what would you think if your wife turned to you and said "i'm not sure i love you anymore"? the thing is i don't know how i feel right now. i've been mixed up by my depression before. it f***s with my head and gets me thinking things i shouldn't be. but i have spoken to him about working more and he's actually had a full week since we spoke about it.

he works for his dad so he always has work to go to, he was just choosing not to.

i've been understanding, but trying to help him and support myself through this whole thing has just taken it out of me.

we've been together for 5 years and it's only since late '05 that he's not been working on a regular basis. i ended up working tons of extra hours just so we could actually get married. which was not so much fun considering i worked for the misery line.

the days aren't the problem, i fill them with my hobbies, seeing friends when they're available and job hunting. but the nights are hellish. i usually end up crying myself to sleep, passing out from exhaustion or not sleeping at all. even when i do manage to get a good solid 5 hours, they're filled with nightmares.

please don't quote the bible at me. i don't believe in christianity. god has nothing to do with it and didn't at our civil ceremony either. i won't mention what religion i am, but i don't force my beliefs on you so don't try to force yours on me.

Answer 1

you need to spend time nurturing your self
depression is anger turned inside out
you need to ascertain where the anger is from and then go and sort this out to move on
with help you an be a whole person again and then think about what your needs are

Answer 2

know how you feel, this is not about an diary of your/his ex that come up in a box store in the garage.
memory can be a life or stay underground.
The key is how he treat you on a day to day base. Me? As a guy we do make the girl cry and the girl can hurt the guy as well. But a guy should never leave a girl alone in a park.

I remember when I first dated, guy like to be a little late. My first girlfriend was harrested by some stupid kids in the park "Do you want to have sex?"
After that day, I was never late. Even when picking my current girlfriend up from work I am early 5-10minutes, if she has overtime I can stay in my car for an extra 45minutes. She a nurse and she get off at 11pm. From her work to her home 20 minutes, from her place to mine 20 minute. So you can image when i get home. I start work at 8:30am

So the point is to never let a girl feel alone. Period.
Girl need to be feel security all the time.
I don't make a lot of money, but can pay all the bills and save a little for a gift now and then and a vacation every year an a half.
The idea of being marry together is to be happy and build a future. My goal is to build a family, have our own house, vacation every year (twice if possible), and not worry about putting food on the table all the time. (which is living from paycheck to paycheck)

Enough about me, back to you.
What can you do is think very hard. Divorice and starting over isn't that hard. I know a female friend of mine got divorce, got a ba degree, got a good job, and now have a boyfriend that love and care for her a lot. Her ex husband finally shaped up, but she moved on.

So you can divorce him and give him half a year to shape up, if it work, go back, if you don't like him then, leave him.
Guy need to be hit in the head by the court to wake up. A divorce letter is the hit in the head.

if you want, you can always email me more if you want to talk, or just put another question up here, i am sure their is a lot of people will give stupid answer and some will care.

Good luck, this is what I took my friend all the time
They may treat you as if you are worthless. To me, you are worth the world.

Of course we are not true friend or do we know each other in life, but I am sure that you must have close friend in your life once that care for you alot, find them and have a talk. you will be suprise some friends are still willing to listen.

Answer 3

First, deal with your depression. A counselor or doctor, or both. Medication may help, perhaps more important to have someone to talk to. Find something to do so you are not analyzing and rehashing the situation all the time. He has promised to start working, but you don't mention your work. If you have time to brood, you have too much time on your hands. Keep busy - you will come home from a job you like with lots to talk about, and feeling more in control. See if you can add some fun to the mix. Take some of he pressure off your husband, and life should be easier all round for you both.

Answer 4

Marriage and male female relationships are about two things in my view
(1) communication and also
(2) understanding and tolerance

(1) talk to him. You guys need to talk. If he is out of work that is a very humiliating situation for a guy to be in. We men feel inferior if we cannot bring money home to our families. It is horrible, trust me. Showing him that you...
...(2) understand his predicament will only give him the nerve to go out and look for work.

Most important, most of us have been there and he needs to know that his situation is not unusual. Remember the "...for better or for worst"

Listen to my story. I am married, now for the second time. First marriage, a disaster. Now happily married. I have worked in a car factory for a short while. Hated it. I qualified as an attorney. Attorney for 5 years, found it repetitive and got literally bored with it. Now am a driving instructor.... and INSANELY as it may seem, I am happy at it. It gives an income which OK actually and gives me the freedom I seeked for years. You don't need a doctorate's degree to succeed in life. You need my suggested (1) and (2) above. It worked for me. One look at Yahoo Answers and you see that we are l in the same boat and that is why we are able to help each other out. I hope I have helped you with my waffle, LOLOLOL

Answer 5

How long have known him? how long has he been jobless? if not long, then give him a chance. married life is full of ups & down. Seek help to get out of your depression. If the ride does get any better and not so much fun go and see a marriage counselling if that does not work.... and the ride is making u ill... then maybe that wil be the time to call it a day. Only u can knw when enough is enough.

Answer 6

Looks like you really hold a grudge and don't know how to be a supporting spouse. Help your husband find a job (do you think that is easy with all the women in the work place that are willing to work for less?)

My you do hold onto a grudge... still made at your dad???

When are you going to learn everyone does not act the way YOU want them too?

Answer 7

I think there are a few issues at hand. First you have already admitted that you have a problem with depression, that alone makes a person over react to life situations. Everyone here would agree that your husband should be working. Don't blow things out of proportion talk to him about the things that are bothering me.

Answer 8

You aren't going to like this but I don't think you are grown up enough to be married. Yes, he needs to work but this is a little disagreement and you have blown it was out of proportion. Was he workign when you married him? You compare him to your father, hmm. Marriage is about compromise and giving. You support ech other. There are a thousand arguements over the years but that's life. Think that over for a while.

Answer 9

Love is a decision - a firm commitment to remain true despite the hardships (which EVERYONE has to face, to different extents).

Love is not a fuzzy feeling. it is not butterflies in your stomach.

it is time to grow up, to make the right decisions. Really, when you got married you vowed before god that you woud stick it through 'sickness' etc and you would only separate on death. stay true to those vows, for unless there is adultery and your heart is poisoned by it, you SHOULD NOT DIVORCE.

Answer 10

first of all get yourself to a councillor..you come first...then try and patch things up with your husband..it's not worth throwing away just yet....you've only been married a year....if he is not working then why not get a job yourself and things may pick up....try harder and do things with your days instead of getting down about stuff...you do have people to talk to, so get some counselling and sort it out....