I asked a question earlier today about my husbands ex. then this happened what to think?

Question

We went shopping for the school supplies $221.00, he said he isn't taking any of it out of the child support comming due. She called a couple of times while we were out, buying back packs and he starts telling her that traffic was going to be bad going home...etc. She is supposed to pick the kids up at our house because he financed her car, made many late payments and the court ordered her to refi and she couldn't picked them up 2 xs so far in 9 months. Today she wouldn't come to the house so she was meeting us where we were shopping and was 1 hour and 2 min late. He said nothing. I told him to ask her about the movie acct. he did and she yelled at him, he just stood there. I am loosing it.

Earlier note.
She sent the kids here for a week. This is great, we love having them. My husband pays more than half of his salary to her for support of three children. $2700 per month. She isn't very bright because she told my husband that she had spent $300 getting her hair done to take her boyfriend out to a $250 dinner. She didn't have enough money to buy the kids their school supplies, a perscription for $65 and she is using our movie accout to get movies....she owes $18 on that so we either pay or don't rent movies there. She called this morning to say she had bought a snake for $75 for the one son, she wanted an aquarium to put the snake in for him when he comes home. I am sick of this. My husband says nothing, I of course say nothing to her. I feel this morning like the top of my head is going to pop off because I feel really put out...among other things. If I were to spend money like that he would have a fit with me. What do I do???????????????????

I am mad, so a lot of typos. 1 hour 20 minutes late.

Answer 1

Your husband sounds a lot like me immediately after my divorce. I paid over half my income to my ex (even though she was working too), paid extras all the time, avoided conflict,... the whole list. I was a my own attorney, and had a fool for a client. I was a doormat. So is he.

This happens to a man who has been in a long-term, controlling, manipulative relationship. We've been trained to accept being abused and taken advantage of as "normal". We've had it beaten into us that whatever we give is less than what we owe, and that we deserve nothing back in return. Since we are at fault for everything, no matter how "just" our decision to divorce, we still feel guilty. We allow ourselves to be "punished" because it eases the guilt. Sort of...

This is pretty deep emotional scarring. Very, very hard to recover from. If you push him, you run the risk of reinforcing the behavior by being controlling as well (which I assume you don't want to do). Nor do you want to continue to suffer, and watch a man you love refuse to stand up for himself.

His self esteem is in the toilet. He doesn't believe that "he" is worth defending. Time has taught him that resistance only causes pain (the one-sided shouting about the account is just one example. He's endured hundreds... thousands). He's a beaten man, and he has to find the courage to fight again. For that, he has to find a reason.

Tell him the truth. That you cannot love a man that you do not respect. Tell him his ex does not respect him (also very true). This is why she treats him this way, and why his earlier marriage ended in disaster. Tell him he does not respect himself. Otherwise he would not tolerate being treated this way. Tell him that just as trust can be lost in an instant, respect can be gained in an instant. His whole world can be changed in a moment. And he doesn't have to "do" anything. All he has to say is "no".

My ex called one day, asking for money for new bedroom furniture for the kids. For the first time, I said no. She argued, saying it wasn't unreasonable for her to ask. I agreed. Asking wasn't unreasonable. The answer is still no. She yelled, she threatened, she stormed... I agreed that everything she said "might" be true. The answer was still no. Just no. There was no argument. I refused to argue, or disagree. I just said no.

Read the divorce orders carefully. Follow them precisely, and no more. Close the movie account. When she demands he deliver the kids, the answer is no. No argument, no disagreement, just "no". Unless she picks them up, the kids stay. She demands extra money, or expects him to pay extras for the kids, the answer is "no". That's it. Getting drawn into an argument with her will be pointless. She'll win. Don't argue. Don't disagree. Tell her she "might" be right. The answer is still no. Stand beside your guy, but not in front of him. That's his place. When he does finally stand his ground, support him. Encourage him. Reward him. Soon, he will not only be defending himself, he'll be defending you as well.

I am not the man I was back then. My "new" wife is pretty fierce. Stubborn, determined, ambitious... and totally submissive where I'm concerned. She respects my judgment. When there's a problem with a vendor, or creditor or debtor, she hands the phone to me, and I rip them a new one. I haven't dealt with my ex for a long time. I dealt with her years ago. Trying to take advantage of me is like trying to take advantage of a brick wall. The wall doesn't move. It doesn't even care. If you b.u.t.t heads with the wall, you're the one who ends up bloody.

Those who quit smoking hate cigarettes the most. Those who win their freedom are its fiercest defenders. Those who have lost the respect of others, and gain it again, are the most determined never, EVER to lose it again.

You have the chance to have a wonderful man in your life. So strong that when your home is threatened, you fear for your enemies, not for yourself. And never for him.

Answer 2

I answered your last question on this - and if I remember correctly, she COULDN'T re-finance the car due to her credit - so regardless if it was "court ordered" or not (which you didn't say in your last question) if she can't get financing she can't get it. He purchased the car with her when they were together, there are some residual issues that sometimes come with marrying someone who has been married previously. Since there is absolutely NOTHING that can be done about the car loan except ride it out - that is a subject you need to drop.

Her picking up the kids at your house has nothing to do with him and the car loan. That is a seperate issue in their divorce/custody decree. Good parents, don't live and breathe by their court orders and realize that sometimes exceptions need to be made - and adjust. So what she was an hour late - it happens. What would you rather have happen? The two of them at each other's throats and fighting over every single minute? Police involved? Back to court every other month? C'mon - be reasonable...and be careful what you wish for.

The blockbuster account - again, grow up. I suggested you get a netflicks account and not use the blockbuster account if it bugs you that much. She probably rents movies for the kids. Simple solution to a problem that irritates you - don't get why you are still harping on it.

The school supplies, again, we covered the fact that there are expenses above and beyond child support when it comes to kids. It was your husband's choice to make gifts of the supplies to his kids - what is with you? Angry he doesn't put you first, spend 200 bucks on you?

You married a man with children - what you are stating here - is just what happens. It doesn't make your husband a wimp, it makes him a good father that puts his kids comfort before anything else - he tries to keep things peaceful so that the kids aren't put in the middle of a bad situation.

You either have to accept who you married, and what he stands for when it comes to family - or get out. He is not going to change - and he shouldn't for the sake of his kids.

All you think about are dollars and cents - and nothing about how the kids would feel if things became hostile between the parents. Kinda makes you look a bit materialistic and sad to say, heartless.

I wish more parents out there put their kids first over everything - including their pride, when in divorce situations - the children of this world would benefit greatly.

Answer 3

First of all, go cancel the movie account so she cannot check things out under your name and give them her address and tell them to bill her for the late charges/lost movies.

I am a little disturbed that you think the school supplies should come out of the child support ~ he owes extra things, not just child support, to his children and the fact that she isn't doing her part doesn't mean he should cheat his kids out of things they need. The kids did not ask for a deadbeat mother and your husband loves them, which is evident, and I admire him for trying to do more than the court asked of him ~ so many fathers do not.

Start documenting some of these things she says she is doing and what she is paying out ~ keep your journal for future reference. She sounds rude and spoiled but there isn't really much you can do about how she spends her money. As far as her buying the snake ~ let her buy the aquarium. I would discuss that with my husband and tell him no to buying one and ask him to please respect your wishes on that and to quit being a doormat for her.

If she didn't refinance the car, take it back to court and get it ordered again ~ she is in contempt if she didn't and that will ruin your credit in the meantime. Your husband needs to get a backbone and put his foot down to her bratty ways but remember, you married him. Try to communicate with him (not yell but talk) and come up with solutions.

When she is supposed to meet you somewhere, give her a time to be there and "let her know if she isn't there by that time", she will have to come to the house to pick them up because you aren't going to wait around, that you have other things to do. Then leave if she isn't there, call her and tell her you are leaving and she can pick them up at the house, then leave.

Answer 4

Calm down. Be happy you have a man who cares enough about his children to overlook their irresponsible mother's actions and get them the things they need for school, etc. He doesn't love her (he divorced her and married you), but he loves his children and doesn't want to punish them for their mother's actions. IF he took things he buys for the kids out of the child support, the ex could take him back to court and punish him. Also, he knows this woman enough to know that arguing with her will only get him less, not more, visitation with his kids. She is probably not rational, if she is irresponsible. I'm sure you knew, when you married him, that you'd have to deal with this ex for at least several years (until the kids are grown) and that it wouldn't be easy. It isn't. Keep staying out of it and try not to argue with your husband over money. He needs to support and protect his kids and he loves them. That's a good thing. When you are both calm and rational, I think you should make a budget together and put next year's school supplies in the budget, etc. Then, tell your man that he isn't being fair to you. His ex should pitch in 50% of the money towards those supplies. If she won't do it, then he should ask a judge to order her to do it. His answer might be that it costs more to go to court to force her to pay her share than to just pay her share for her. That's the honest truth. Going back to court is very costly. You married a man with kids. You should be happy he is devoted to them. He'll be devoted to you, too, and your kids (if you have any). Best wishes.

Answer 5

Well suggestion number 1)
The money for support is for the kids so you could talk to an attorney and have her account for all the money being sent for the kids.
sugesstion number 2)
If you and you husband are in a position to take the kids offer to, and have an attorney draw up a signed agreement stating that you will be in charge of the care and child support will end while they are in your care.
suggestion 3)
stop sending her child support put it in a bank account with the kids and your husband or you on the account( if the kids need something than give them the money directly if old enouph to do this.) If you do this keep records of all deposits so that if she persued you for the child support you can prove your providing the support but feel that she is not using the money properly. (this is perfecly legal to do)
suggestion 4)
stand up for yourself, x yells at you walk away and offer the children to go with you.
suggestion 5)
Contact the child welfare dept or district attorneys office and file a report against the x.
Suggestion 7)
your husband is going to have to stand up and fight, support him to do so by giving him all the facts if he cares about his kids he will fight for them!
suggestion 8) child support is for care of the children, this would include school supplies, clothing, food, shelter and other misc such as health care, and basic needs if she is getting the money and blowing it you need to stop the behavior ! You need to talk to an attorney!
suggestion 9) I guess if he likes the abuse let him take it but I could see it hurting your relationship in the near future, tell him how you feel about it, make him understand he needs to assert his rights, and you will help him do that!

Answer 6

You married a spineless guy with a crazy ex and a brood of kids... I'm sorry, but it just doesn't sound like there's a goddamn thing you can do! Hopefully, your husband has some redeeming qualities that you can focus on and accept the baggage he's bringing into the marriage.

Answer 7

It sound to me like your husband doesn't have the nerve to put his foot down and stand up to his ex. Maybe he should petition for shared or full custody. If not, then if you really love this man and want to keep him as a husband you will have to learn to live with it. If it had been me, I would have never waited for her that long to pick up the kids. I would have gone home and then let her figure out how to pick them up

Answer 8

Have you told him how this makes you feel?
Tell him that even though she is the mother of his children he has to draw the line somewhere. He needs to be able to provide for you too. Tell him that he needs to talk to her or you will- as I'm sure he probably doesn't want that. Try this Yahoo! group-
The Real Mrs.
It is a place to vent about bio moms and you will find many women who have been or are in similar situations that will offer you some great advice.

Answer 9

The ex is way too intrusive. Your husband needs to deal with her through the courts or a lawyer. Tell her to stop calling! My husband's ex wife was driving us crazy back in 05 pulling this sort of crap. My husband would ignore her phone calls, etc............ but she kept calling and harrassing us. We had to file a police report and I called her bf about her behavior and she stopped. We haven't heard from her since. You need to tell your husband to shape up and do something NOW.

Answer 10

You need to talk to him let him know how you feel and let him know you think this is going to far or how ever you feel you have to let him or this will build up inside of you and you are going to explode one day. Also not to make you mad but the ex-wife is more than likely use to stepping all over him and will keep doing this until he puts his foot down stand up for yourself. good luck! If this was my husbands ex-wife this would not fly with me! Thankfully they don't have kids. I feel sorry for you