I can not make a firm decision and stick to it for next steps for myself and my daughter. She is 15 and up until now her Dad had sole physical and legal custody of her. He has now moved due to job reasons to another state.
One day, I feel like I should keep her with me and move into my own place.
Then, the next day, I feel like I should get back together with my ex-husband because she will have good family life like her friends, etc.
I feel sad when I see my child's face and see her crying to her grandmother about how she feels that she is a burden and both of her parents don't want her.
Then, I wonder if I can function with my ex-husband again. He was controlling and verbally abusive.
I wish life had some easy answers. I don't want to ruin her life.
My ex-husband keeps saying that I should be working on the move/ transition to show that I am committed to him and want to be with him with all of my heart.
I am stuck and can not move in either direction.
2007-08-15 08:59:06 · 9 answers · asked by Stareyes 5 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
what your experiencing is fear of the unknown, it is NOT that you cannot make a firm decision- remember we spoke about cross-roads? Well, your there- welcome to the decision making time- left/right- right/left, decisions, decisions. Lets look at this a different way- your daughter is 15- that probably another 3 years at home and then she may be off to university. So, sacrifice her and you and return to your X- then leave him. How much damage do you think your going to do to all three of you. Have you considered that your X may just want you there for convenience? With you there she probably won't fail her math again. Consider, three years with just her and you- a new different relationship will evolve- no X- parents- grandparents to interfere. Your really not stuck - just undecided. Your wanting to please everyone- why not please yourself for once- what do you have to loose. Three years in either direction is not going to kill you or your daughter if you decide to do It alone. Remember the logical approach is ALWAYS THE BEST APPROACH.
2007-08-15 10:15:08 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You two broke up for a reason...stick to what your reasoning was and don't get back into an abusive relationship. I'm sure your daughter does not want to hear you two bicker all the time. Not sure why he was able to get full custody of your child...it's really hard to take a child away from her mother in court...so you must have done something pretty bad. Stop being so indecisive. Do you want your child in your life or not? If so, then go to the courthouse and find out the steps you need to do to get a retrial. If he moves, there is nothing you can do right now. If you get partial custody, find ways see her and do what all other divorced couples do. Get on with your life and stay away from your ex and get your **** together for that poor kid.
2007-08-15 09:10:40 · answer #2 · answered by sun day 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You say you feel you "should" get back with you ex. You say you feel you "should" keep your daughter with you. But you don't say what you WANT to do, in your heart of hearts.
If you get back with your ex out of a sense of duty towards your daughter, to give her some sort of proper family life, it's very unlikely to work, particularly as you say he was controlling and verbally abusive, unless he has completely changed since you were first together. This situation would not give your daughter a sense of being wanted and loved. She would find herself in a house full of tension, in the middle of a war zone, and feel even less loved and wanted than she does now.
If you keep your daughter with you and move into your own place, that will only work if you really want her with you, and are able to show her that, not just at first, but for years to come. You won't be able to do that unless it's what you really want, your daughter will sense that, and it will reinforce her conviction that she is a burden, and not welcome under your roof.
You have to be honest about your true feelings. What do you really want to do? Only when you have identified that can you start making plans and decisions, based on reality, not on idealistic theories, however admirable they may be, which simply won't work for you, your daughter or your husband, unless they are what you want with all your heart.
At 15, your daughter must have views of her own about what she would like. Have you asked her? If she wants, as most children do, her parents to be together again, and you can't in all honesty see that working out, you need to explain to her gently and lovingly why this is so, and offer her love and support to come to terms with it.
wimsey
2007-08-16 07:04:31 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Step 1: Grow a backbone
Step 2: Get some self-confidence
Step 3: Get your life on track. You obviously portray your indecisivness and your unhappiness to your daughter, and she thinks its her fault.
Step 4: MOVE ON! A controlling and verbally abusive husband is not the good family life that your daughter's friends have. Do not get back with your ex.
2007-08-15 09:04:32 · answer #4 · answered by Katie G 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ur not stuck, ur main priority is ur daughter. Don't go back 2 ur x 2 make her life more miserable than it already is. Take her, raise her, and love her. Show her that she's not a burden and u'll do whatever it takes 2 keep her safe and happy but not at the expense of everyone's happiness (including urs).
2007-08-15 09:05:19 · answer #5 · answered by Misty D 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He is your ex-husband for a reason. You need to reassure your daughter that she has two parents that love her very much.
Emotionally you seem to be in a fragile state, seek counseling to center yourself and focus your strength. Counseling for your daughter may be very helpful.
You need to be strong for yourself and the sake of your daughter. Talk to her and tell her you love her. Do not say bad things about her father in front of her.
Good luck.
2007-08-15 09:09:17 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I hate to sound this harsh - but what the He**???
It would not have been a matter of choice with me - my children have always come first - I was a single mom for years and I survived - it was hard at times - but geez, my kids first and foremost know they are loved and cared for. Although they are both adults with their own lifes they know they have a mother they can always count on.
2007-08-15 09:14:26 · answer #7 · answered by wild_orchid_tx36 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
To be honest you sound like you are trying to sound innocent. More details, why can't you move? Who are you living with, some druggie? This is exactly why you should think before you dive headfirst into marriage and parenthood!
2007-08-15 09:07:46 · answer #8 · answered by Francisco B 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Grow a spine and do what is right for the child. You are not the victim here she is. Do the right thing.
2007-08-15 09:05:22 · answer #9 · answered by Willie J 5 · 0⤊ 3⤋