Here's a rewrite of a poem I refuse go give up on. Criticize all you like please. LOL?

Question

gift

The dusts of Palestine
Swirl inside my mind.
Warping my judgment it seems,
Deep and dark, part of my dreams.

Never thought I would attack,
Push on me, and I'm gonna push back.
My limits are reached, I'm at my end,
You just a joke, I know I've sinned.

I'm just a man, whose found his true love,
One holy gift, from those up above.
Some of us lucky, others not so,
Gather your things, it's time to go.

I do try to cope, It's my only hope,
If you understand, you know it's no joke.
I'll guard with my life, all that is mine,
Mess with my wife, just a matter of time.

Answer 1

dont worry man those are just haters .. from the moment u mentioned the word palestine that was it ... everything u say afterwards is bull$hit ..

try writting the same poem and replace palestine with sex, naked women or booze .. and see how it goes lol .. u might become a famous poet lol !! the poem is good man keep up the good work ; )

Answer 2

Terrible forced rhymes. And when you go for inner rhymes and an irregular rhyming pattern like that , meter mistakes show up really bad. You are most definitely trying too hard on this one. Slow down - what are you trying to say?

Your first step is to read it aloud to yourself. Poetry should always be read aloud. It is meant to be. Listen as you read - you will be able to hear easily where the meter is off. It has no flow - no rhythm.

Then as for the subject, I just don't know. It's obviously about anger. And maybe that is your problem. How about instead of writing a poem about how you are going to kick someone's *** if they mess with your wife, you try writing a poem about how much your wife means to you? Try reversing the emotional polarity in it. Tell me how much you love her and how you would do anything to protect and defend her - not what you will do to the guy who touches her.

I am not going to be judgmental like the others who replied because I respect the fact that you refuse to give up on it and that is cool - now try it from another aspect. Pax - C

Answer 3

I think Persi probably gave you the best advice that could be given. The only thing I would add is that you have a tendency towards expressing yourself with cliches/overworked phrases. It would be helpful to this poem if you would come up with descriptions that are more original.

Answer 4

bbbooooo!
if you read that at a poetry slam and i have an extra head of lettuce i would still throw it at you.

"Gather your things, it's time to go"
what is that?

oh no. . no no no no no no
turn your pencil around and use the eraser part this time

Answer 5

Poem makes no sense,
not even if I read it with my lens,
Are you like five?,
god damn you don't have a life...

Answer 6

I liked it.
" You just a joke ",
made me laugh. :-)

Answer 7

SAVE THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN FROM THIS