Please advice---10 points for the best answer---Thank you so much for your help.?

Question

I am 22 years. I am currently working on my master in a small public university outside of Washington DC because I got scholarship to study there. I am a very good girl. I never have a boyfriend or engage in sexual activities.

My host mom is 53 years old. She is a loving person and very nice to me. She went to good university. She divorced and has dated over 30 guys in her life.

The problem is that we seem to have difference views in life.

She always say:

1. She is smart because she went to good college. I am not smart because my college is small and must be easy.

2. She always convince me to have a boyfriend or sex. She think I am so inexperience and naive about the world.

I knew she does not intend to hurt my feeling, but it does hurt me sometimes. What can I do in this situation? Do you think she is right about this---I am naive and inexperience about the world.

Thank you so much for your help.

English is my second language---please excuse me for any grammar errors :)

Answer 1

You're seeing two things: Egocentric ideas and Ethnocentric ideas. You're very smart because although you may not have known the name for them, you realize that your host mother may not be correct.

A person is egocentric when they can only understand or see things from their point of view. Your host mother is only seeing things based on her life. She doesn't understand how you can have different thoughts.

She sounds unhappy because she was divorced and is living alone. It sounds like she feels like she has lived a really hard life and thinks that nice people will be hurt in life. Hurt like she was. So she wants you to go out there and defend yourself and hurt others before you get hurt.

It also sounds like she is jealous because you're so young. If she was your age, she probably would have done things differently. She wouldn't end up where she is now. She thinks that by telling you what to do, she can live through you.

She probably won't stop. No one likes to be called unhappy and jealous so if I were you, I wouldn't say that.

Perhaps you can say, "I know you think I don't experience as much as I should but I DO experience things. I experience making choices. I don't let people tell me what to do and that makes me stronger. Please respect how I feel about this."

THEN you should listen to the advice she has to give you. Maybe ask her to make a list of all the things she wants you to do. Go through the list and pick out the things that you would feel comfortable with doing and cross out the things that would make you feel uncomfortable.

For example: Her list may look like:
1. Drink alcohol.
2. Date your neighbor.
3. Miss class one day.

From that list, think about what you could do and what you won't do. Agree to do some of these things if she agrees to not talk about it so much.

Secondly, she's ethnocentric because you two come from two different worlds. You two value different things.

She values experience while you value good behavior. You BOTH are right. If she starts making fun of you or calling you names just say, "I believe that I can live a happy life the way I am currently behaving but thank you for trying to help me."

If she keeps hurting your feelings, talk to her about it.

Ask questions:
When were you the happiest? (It probably was when she was first married and not having sex with everyone else).

Why do think this will help me or make me happier?

Ask questions about her life. If she is able to tell you about how she felt when she was younger, she may be too busy remembering she'll forget all about your life.

Answer 2

no, i don't think that she is right...you should tell her that you are actually the smart one because you know that people have different views in the world and you acknowledge that, whereas she tries to convince you of her one-sided view on the world based upon her own life choices...you have not given into peer pressure and have made smart choices....you chose to go to a college that you have a scholarship for and that is a smart choice, now you wont have to pay so much money back from loans...you are a smart and head-strong girl who should trust your gut and understand that others who live different lives may feel bad about their choices and thus try to turn it around and criticize you and make you live a life like their's....keep up with your beliefs and morals.

Answer 3

She is wrong if she truly thinks she is smarter or more wise than yourself.. but she is correct that you are naive. Being naive isn't necessarily a bad thing though... while I do agree with your host mom that you getting a boyfriend isn't a bad idea.. you will find your experience and wisdom with sex when you are ready for it. followed by 2 minutes of pain and a wonderment of what the big deal was lol (small joke .. I couldn't resist) ... one day you'll think sex isn't that big of a deal... but don't feel you have to rush to become so worldly.