This is a rewrite that was kind of difficult. Any help is appreciated.?

Question

pity

The wind blows and howls onto my hallowed ground,
Blasting it all clean, no matter lost or even found.
The sadness I feel, crushing down on my heart,
All thats left is my sadness,God willing, a new start.

How many times can I look back and see,
The waste I called my youth, and all I could be.
Twisted and broken, yet still can't resist a peek,
My life black as sin, and yet I still seek.

I don't need your pity, or sympathy,
You take a small look, and that's all you see.
I will take back, my life from his evil grip,
All I need is time, an elixer to sip.

Don't ever doubt, the love I shower down,
On my gorgeous San Juan angel, never a frown.
She is the one, who never ever doubts my love,
My intentions beyond question, from God up above.

Answer 1

DP...I still see the same areas that need to be addressed. "hallowed ground" still sound pretentious, many lines still have too many beats and several rhymes sound forced. You have commas where there is no need, for example, "I will take back, my life from his evil grip"...why the comma? Say it out loud...does it sound natural? does it sound like something you'd actually say? If not, change it, make it sound like it was written in this century.

I'm not being mean, I'm telling you how it is. You can fight it if you like, but there is a time for writing anachronistically, and there is a time to write contemporary stuff...this is contemporary, so make it sound natural.

...and keep writing

Answer 2

Well its better then the first!
Good effort and improvement!
KEEP WRITTING!!

Answer 3

My opinion remains the same.