Please help me to make my husband happy again as i dont know what to do anymore. He has recently started going on about how crap everything is (his words).
General gripes are overworked and underpaid, constantly tired, lack of fun time, the pressure of a mortgage and responsibilities (2 kids). He plays in a band, and to be honest i think he would like to just up sticks and go on tour. He says he feels his creative nature is being squashed by the rat race and he cant deal with it. He has just gone and got another tattoo and has thrown himself into getting fit. He tends to be obsessive when he starts anything.
He is only 36 so mid life crisis early?
I dont understand his half empty attitude. We both have jobs, a house, two cars and have just come back from a really good holiday. (Have also booked another for next year). Our kids are good, not perfect but no problems and he has his health. What is he looking for, I dont know if I am going to be able to be whatever it is he is after.
2007-08-15 05:05:20 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I have asked him how I can help him and he says he doesnt know but just to support him. He swears blind that he has no thoughts about leaving me or the kids we have been together for 17 years now, he just feels that there is more to life than he is getting out of it. I have to admit, when i have got fed up of his whining i have said to him that plenty of people would swop with him compared to the lives they lead. I know that is not helpful but was frustration talking. I think maybe he is depressed, I know he hates his job but feels trapped there to earn the money to pay the mortgage etc as he went there from school and is not really qualified for much else that would bring in a starting wage we could life on. He can be a bit of a third child for me. He has never liked conformity. He is a good dad and the kids friends think he is really cool. But i am now trying to be something i am not, way more spontaneous than i am to try to keep his life interesting, to keep him happy!
2007-08-15 05:32:26 · update #1
A lot of people feel that way. It's probably not a midlife crisis (my husband has the same gripes at 30) but more that he's not happy with his job and feels he could be doing something more fulfilling to him. He wants to feel better about himself and what he does, and may feel like he's losing an oppotunity if his band is really good and could possibly be something bigger.
It could also be depression though, so you might want to (gently) approach the topic of him talking to someone about his worries. If you're financially okay for him to stop working his day job for a little while, you might also want to let him explore the possibilities of another job, different schedule, or even going back to school.
It's pretty obvious that he's not entierly happy with his life, and while that's probably nothing to do with you and the kids, he might need to do something that helps him feel fulfilled inside, even if he knows he has everything he wants as far as home and family.
It can be very hard to be supportive when you don't knnow his reasons, but the fact is that HE might not even know what they are. All he knows is that he's not happy with some aspect of his life and needs to change whatever that aspect is.
The best thing you can do for him is to be supportive and loving, and allow him to explore it. As long as he isn't completely intent on leaving his responsibilities to you behind, one of your resposibilities to him is to accept his need to change something about himself and help him to achieve whatever that might be.
Best of luck! I hope you can help him find what he's looking for.
2007-08-15 05:26:58 · answer #1 · answered by firebugarts 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Could be mid life crisis. Seems you two have everything sorted, i.e home kids,jobs etc. But he knows the big 40 is around the corner. Maybe he's feeling he's lost his chances at what he really loves (sounds like the music). Having another tattoo shows that he's afraid of losing his youth. It's going to be tough. You may find him desiring to do things he hasn't done before, or generally rebelling, seemingly against himself.
Not sure the best way for you to take it. You sound like you feel like you are losing him.
Try checking the net for a web site dealing with mlc, i'm sure you will find some advice and support.
2007-08-15 05:31:11 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you can make him happy, because his dissatisfaction comes from within, not with anything you do or don't do. Did you marry young? Have your kids young? It may be a mid-life thing all right; it's when we start to question our lives, what we have done with them; or indeed, not done; up to then it's all go - getting married, buying a house, having a family, making life comfortable. They are all challenges which have to be met. When we cease to be challenged, we may sense the disquiet in ourselves, and wonder...."what have I been doing all these years?"
At the moment, he is working out his frustrations through getting fit, getting a tattoo, etc...just bear with him, it may pass. If it doesn't...well, my best friends husband hit this kind of crisis when he was 40....he wanted to sail around the world, he wanted to take the kids out of school and head off with the family for about two years...his wife argued long and hard with him...she didn't want to go, she didn't want the kids to go. In the end, they reached a compromise....he took three months unpaid leave and worked for a guy who sailed boats from the other side of the world back to Europe...it got some of the restlessness out of his system; my point is, is your man has dreams, and he feels they are being stifled, there are ways around it without compromising his role as father or husband. Is life on tour with a band an option for him? Do you think your marriage would cope? It might be worth going away for a weekend as a couple to just talk...
2007-08-15 05:43:25 · answer #3 · answered by marie m 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He's most likely looking for his "youth"....not just in a literal sense but more in a mental and emotional sense......He was probably used when he was younger and when you guys 1st started out to just coming and going as he pleased....Now, it's not so much that he doesnt like where he is, he just feels like he doesnt have the control over his life as he used to
As for a "mid-life" crisis, I personally have never believed in them but that actually usually start at or around the mid-to-late 30's up till about late 40's......of course alot of factors could affect the actually onset age for a person (most notably the age difference between spouses and the age of the children) and that's not to say that's what he's experiencing....it just sounds like what some of the other users have said about stress getting to him....it could just be that he wants more of the holiday life, I truly dont think he's having a "mid-life"crisis but that's just me
2007-08-15 05:28:30 · answer #4 · answered by Saiyanman3 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Could be the life looks greener on other side feelings. I don't mean with other women but with things like having no responsibilities.
I think many of us feel like he does at some point in our lives. I know i have done before. Not sure if it is midlife crisis but it could be I guess. My hubby got really funny when he turned 30. Not so bad when he turned 40.
Your life sounds comfortable and he is lucky to have the lifestyle he has. But sometimes even that is not enough. Could he be depressed?
2007-08-15 08:15:33 · answer #5 · answered by laplandfan 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Honestly, he sounds a bit like he's let everything ball up inside him and now its all coming out at the same time. I will say this and I don't mean to offend...he sounds like for a while anyway, he wants to run away from responsibility...and yes that could b mid-life crisis.
Some may say its too early for him to have it but if he started working at say age 13 for whatever reason, thats 20yr itch.
I doubt he's after anything besided freedom from what he thinks are troubles, have you tried talking with him? If he won't talk have you tried his friends in the band and see what they say he's said or his mom or dad or brother/sister if he has any? He may have told them something he has not told you.
Good luck and GOD bless.
2007-08-15 05:45:01 · answer #6 · answered by junkyarddogfan 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It's not a mid-life crisis,It's clarity.For the first time he has recognized that he has destroyed any possibility of accomplishing his goals or fulfilling his dreams by getting married and having kids( or if my guess is right,knocking you up and then getting married).
The only thing you can do for him ,I'd bet you are not willing to,that would be to allow him the freedom to pursue his goals/dreams.
2007-08-15 05:35:24 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
He needs a new project around the house. Something he is excited about and something fun to think about. Go get a tattoo with him!
Buy an old car for him to fix up if he is into cars. Buy him a new guitar. Get him a PS3 and Guitar Hero game. Buy him a motorcycle. Something new and different.
Life can get repetitive. Something new and unexpected will break that up. People also need some time to themselves and not just life revolving around kids 24/7. I'm sure you need a break from kids to do things for yourself also.
You know him best so you would know if he wants season tickets to football games, collect Star Wars stuff or rent an exotic car for the weekend and take a road trip just you and him.
2007-08-15 05:14:32 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
This sounds hard but I've been with someone like this so I know... you can't make your husband happy and it is not up to you to do it. To me he is being selfish, you have a job too, you are obviously caring and understanding and have enough on your plate without taking on responsibility for his problems.
Tell him he is making life difficult for you and the children and if he really feels so depressed he should get some professional help.
I spent years trying to make my husband happy and couldn't. In the end we got divorced and I was so relieved. We didn't have children though so I'm not saying this is the right decision for you, just don't take it all on yourself.
2007-08-15 05:17:30 · answer #9 · answered by susie03 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
enable's in simple terms call it a "Mid-life re-examination." LOL... have faith it or no longer, he's grieving. He has lost his young little ones and the sensation that his life is in front of him. try telling him this: maximum persons stay to be approximately 80. he's in simple terms midway by using life. interior the 1st 0.5, he had no administration over the 1st 18 to 2 many years, so relatively... he's in simple terms been in cost of his life for sort of two many years. Now, he's smarter and has approximately 40 extra to pass. it relatively is an entire different lifetime! purely this time, he gets entire administration... discover new and exciting events to do at the same time, plan at the same time each and all the exciting issues you are able to comprise into your lives as a pair over the subsequent ten years. He desires the attitude that life has relatively in simple terms began, no longer ended... i wish that made sense... lol ...and if he's not prepared to snatch life by employing the kahunas and have some exciting... then he definitiely desires to be smacked with the iron... LOLOL
2016-10-10 06:55:53 · answer #10 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋