What questions do straight people have about gay people that they're afraid to ask?

Question

Recently a straight friend of mine asked a question about gay people. A simple question: "why are all the gay guys I meet so effeminate?" And it has a really simple answer: "they're not; you just didn't realize the other ones were gay, because they're not effeminate." But he'd never heard that answer before -- even though he's known gay people for years, it's just not something he felt comfortable asking, because it seemed like it might be an insulting question.

It seems like the answer to that question should be really simple to find, but it isn't. There's no resource for well-meaning but clue-free straight people to ask the questions that they might be embarassed to ask, for fear of seeming clueless,
bigoted, or just nosey.

So I'm setting out to change that, and I need your help. What are the questions? Think hard, dig deep. What are the questions you've always wanted to know about gay people, but were afraid to ask? (If you're LGBT: what are the questions you always get?)

Answer 1

I get the same ones usually:

1. Doesn't that hurt? Not if you do enough foreplay and use enough lube. Eventually your body establishes bio-feedback of relaxing those muscles and pleasure.

2. Are you the man or the woman? I am neither and both. Although it used to be felt that we had to assume traditional gender roles in order to legitimize our relationships, the community is now moving away from that, and we are forming our own relationships, between two men or two women, with our own rules. If it's a mechanics question, I'm a top, but I explain that it is very fashionable to be versatile right now.

3. Aren't you afraid of AIDS? Well isn't everyone? But you have to decide how much you want that disease to affect your life. You can have safer sex, etc, just like straight people. Also ask them if they will stop looking for a mate or dating because they are afraid of AIDS.

4. Aren't you afraid you'll die and go to hell? Well aren't you? Everyone sins. I, like most truly spiritual people, live to be the best person I can, and ask for forgiveness when I can't. That's pretty much what we all have to do. But I was born gay, and I don't believe God makes mistakes.

5. When did you know when you were gay? When did you know that you were straight? When I became sexually aware. I knew I was different long before that, and for a while, it was big relief to understand why. That was until the church put the mojo on me and I almost killed myself. But I lived through that, and went on with my life.

iVote4funny: Some gay guys are into sports, and some gay guys aren't, just like with straight guys. I will say that watching hockey as a gay man gives it a whole new spin - it's kind of like female mud wrestling for straight guys :) And I think most gay guys are closer to their mothers, but that is not always the case, I know exceptions to that as well.

farmacistdmc: Well the jury is still out on what makes us gay. I personally think it is reactions of the fetal brain to changes in hormone levels in the womb and aminonic fluid - there have been some very interesting studies on that. But some believe it is genetic, and there has been a correlation found in the unusually small size of hypothalmic cellular nuclei in the brains of gay men, which makes that part similar to a woman's brain. I do believe that the different environments people are raised in may lead them to have revelations earlier or later, but I do believe sexual inclination is set at birth. But we still haven't had the "Ah ha" moment yet. The reason people are so touchy about this question is that it is one of the things the religious right attacks us with. They say that this is a "choice" and therefore we can change if we want to, and that we have chosen a course of sin, etc. Of course, why would anyone choose to be gay? Could you? And I don't say that to be defensive, but just to try to make you see it from the other standpoint. What if someone accused you of "choosing" to be straight, implying that you could just be gay if you wanted to.

Jennifer D: Your question is complicated. Some people, because of how they were raised, or just generally because of a lack of self-knowledge, never think that they might be gay. I know both men and women who go for long periods of adult life before they have their awakening. I too question how someone could not know before then, but there is a lot of pressure on people to be straight, particularly when they are younger. Also, your friend could just be bisexual. If you could like men and women, I could see how she could have relationships with men before discovering her attraction to women. Additionally, women in our society are socially programmed to be accommodating in a relationship. Not as much now as it used to happen, but it still happens. I know women who just thought their unhappiness with men was the way a relationship was supposed to work, since it was all they knew. I also know gay people who were unhappy, but just thought that was the way life was. They either didn't know about gay people, or didn't think they could possibly be gay, because they weren't like the gay people they see on television. That can be different for different people, but I'm giving you my best based on experience and people I know.

Katrina: Yes some gay guys do have attitudes. Years of ridicule in the public school system and society in general can do that to you. But then some straight girls have an attitude too. Not implying that you do, I'm just saying that there are people of all kinds who have an attitude. Also, the ones you noticed were probably effeminate, because you recognized them as gay. They get the worst of the teasing and stuff, because they can't hide. They "act gay" all the time. It's easier for a jock or a straight looking guy to duck for cover. Also, thanks to this "cult of masculinity" within the gay community, they are often discriminated against by other gay people, as hypocritical as that is. A lot of guys won't socialize with or date an effiminate man. With all the world trying to tear you down and make fun of you, you have to have big guns to make it through the day. Sometimes the triggers on those guns are a mite touchy, I know.

bonstermonster20: You say that you don't promote your sexuality. That's because you don't have to - people just assume that you are straight. What if you went to a gay party, and everyone there assumed you were a lesbian? You'd clarify right? Well we live in the straight world. Also, so many people say they don't know anyone that's gay, just because they don't recognize the "normal" people they know who are gay. Straight people need to know that gay people who look and act very similar to them are out there, to counter the notion that all gay people are freaks and monsters, as we are frequently accused of being. Also, we live in a democracy, and numbers are power. If people don't know that their neighbors, doctors, mechanics and others are gay, they are much less likely to understand how anti-gay legislation hurts people in their community. If there is no face on gay people for them, we are just some "other" that they don't have to care about. So yes, it is important that people come out and are visible. We face a catch-22. If we come out and demonstrate for our rights, we're preachy or "in-your-face", and if we don't then we continue to be ignored, and treated as second-class citizens. When I can hold hands, kiss, and hug my boyfriend as you do, and when we can get married and enjoy the same rights you do, then I won't feel the need to be preachy. I won't need that sticker on my car any more either, other than to be recognized by others like me. Until things are fair, I'll be out there.

Answer 2

I know exactly where he's coming from. It is said that you can get a man and a woman together who have a strong attraction because they would make healthy children. Which pretty much explains if you have a friend who's dating a guy who's type she's usually is uninterested in and has nothing in common. And keep asking "how are they together" It goes back to primal instincts, when it was all about a man just spreading his seed. And how would I answer his question. Well that idea kind of comes into play with evolution. (as a Christian he shouldn't believe in.) So I'd start there, not to mention the majority of heterosexual couples don't come together asking "would we be able to make healthy kids." Not every heterosexual couple can have kids, nor does every couple want kids. What about women over 50. Majority of women over 50 can't have children due to menopause, so according to his theory and that being the reason why men and women com together... does it mean that once a woman reaches menopause it'd be okay for them to be a lesbian from what he's saying. Then there's his question of homosexuality being a choice. You said a preference, which is where you kind of messed up. A preference is like blondes over brunettes, blue eyes over green. My words on whether or not homosexuality would be this: "No, it's not a choice to be homosexual. I can not help who I'm attracted to. The only choice I've made is too be happy with who I am and not hide it. You can say 'Oh, but you could choose not to date women' but I'd be as unhappy with that as if someone told you that you had to date a man to be accepted. That'd be living my entire life a lie and unhappy just for the people around me to accept me. There are 12 mentions of the bible of homosexuality, but hundreds about love." I could go on, really. But would probably stop there unless he tried bringing up another argument. Jesus says love everyone, not love everyone unless their, nor that you have to agree with the way with everyone lives. I'm not a christian and don't really believe, but was raised the Bible and know enough scriptures to shut up any christian if they start talking about my sexuality. Some of my favorites to recite is 1st John 4:7-8 & 11 Which just speaks about loving each other. Then there's Mathew 7:1-5 where Jesus says not to judge each other. You swear the way some christians are on about how big of a sin being gay is that they never sinned. No one can point their finger at anyone and say hey "your living your life wrong" because no one is perfect. Wow that was long. haha

Answer 3

Questions For Gay People

Answer 4

I'm gay and "masculine" and I get the same question all the time: "how can you be gay? you're not very effeminate."

I usually give the same answer you do: "not all gay men are effeminate; you just didn't realize the other ones were gay, because they don't fit the stereotype."

It blows a lot of straight peoples minds that they encounter many many gay people every day, but have no idea because they don't fit the stereotype.

Answer 5

I wouldn't say I am afraid to ask anything. Every LGBT I have ever met was very nice. There were a few that referred to me as a "breeder" because I choose to live a heterosexual lifestyle. I do have a question though, why do gay people feel it is necessary to be proud and exhibit their sexuality in a sometimes excessive manner? I don't promote the fact that I choose to be with a man other than the usual kiss, holding hands or hugging in public. I don't feel like I have to dress a certain way to express myself or have a sticker on my car that says this. I hope I am not being offensive, but I just wonder?

Answer 6

Ok my best friends are two married women ( they are married to eachother) I usually can ask them anything but the more I ask them the more I get confused - One girl has been gay since highschool - the other just turned gay when she met her now wife - Before that she was with men and never felt attracted to women - and when in a conversation about being gay comes up she says she is not gay I dont get it - what made her turn from straight to marrying a women and why wont she admit she is gay?

Answer 7

I have a lot of gay friends and they always tell me that one day Im gonna be wit a girl - I dont feel like im attracted to the same sex at all but they say cuz theyre gay they know ima be gay soon too - why would they say that

Answer 8

Why are you gay?
I'm fascinated by the whole nature vs. nurture thing, I believe it to be mostly nature, but often times triggered by nuture. I always want to ask questions like this, but think it would be rude.
I don't have anything against gay people, I've got several friends who are gay, but to question the origins of their sexuality and who they see themselves as, just seems kind of rude. It's like asking someone why are you a Christian/Muslim?Hindu etc.? It's not very polite.

Answer 9

The most frequent question I get from straight people who feel comfortable enough to talk about it is about the pitcher/catcher roles, and who decides.

I do get asked about sports, and since I played sports in HS, was I checking the guys out, things like that.

Answer 10

Okay, I'll bite. I want to know if once all the drama has died down and everyone accepts all varied consensual sexual preferences as part of the mainstream, what'll "y'all" do for attention? I ask this because it seems like this whole movement has taken on an "in your face" and "down your throat" flavor so when the day comes that everyone's reaction is 'so what - who cares?' do you think everyone will just settle down and get on with their lives - quietly and without drama or is drama an identifiable component of the lifestyle?

Answer 11

I always wondered why so many of the gay guys i run across have attitudes! I never know if its a defense mechanism so that people won't try to pick on them... but i've just met soo many ones that seem like they are just waiting to curse a person out, and i never really understood what that diva like attitude was because of...