How do I get my husband to give me what I need?

Question

I love my husband, endlessly, but for the past few months he has been a different person. I am trying to be as understanding as possible because he taking a medication that has adverse side effects, but it is really hard to not take his distance personally.
When I am around him I feel like I am a bother, that I annoy him or that he just tolerates me...not really loves me. We will go places and the entire time he acts like he is absolutely miserable. He disagrees when I try to tell him that they way he has been acting toward me has left me feeling unloved and unwanted. I am just not sure how to get him to understand how deeply this is hurting me. Of course it doesn't help the situation when he blows me off when I approach him about the way I have been feeling. Talk about adding insult to injury.

Oh yea, did I mention that are sex life as of late is little to none?! We are both young, I am in my late 20's and he is in his early 30's. To be fair, a lot of that has to do with our opposite schedules. Anyway, I can deal with that as long as we have emotional intimacy. I really feel that if I can't get him to see how badly I need to feel his love that I will have to leave him.

I appreciate the constructive input and have considered many of your suggestions already. I guess I just need to see what I can get him on board with.
FYI-I do not nag him and I am not whining. I have been very understanding and supportive of him. It's just that after months of no affection, no kind words or gestures from a man who once did all of those things...you start to feel rejected and alone. My husband has gone from my lover to my roommate that doesn't really even seem to like me.
Whatever, I only posted this on here because I don't want to push him away by continuously bringing this up to him...guess I was just looking for some outside advice and maybe support. I just miss my husband, that's all.

Answer 1

Let him know by giving him specific examples. You can't be vague with guys... trust me, I am one. Guys need details: "..this is upsetting because of..." or "...if this doesn't change... the result will be..."

My girlfriend recently broke up with me for the same reason, only I had no idea what I was doing wrong until it was too late. You don't what to try and change him, but he can still adjust to show you the emotional respect you need and deserve.

You may even want to try counceling. I know it sounds bad but it could be a great way to learn different ways to communicate his and your feelings. Maybe he doesn't see it your way because he feels he is expressing himself in other ways.

I know how my (ex) girlfriend feels now because she broke it down for me, but she waited until it was too late. Now I don't have the chance to adjust the way I express myself in a way more suitable for her.

Hope this helps, and good luck!

Answer 2

Hi!
I am sorry to hear that you are going through this with your husband. Sometimes the medications that a person is on will cause them to act a different way. He should not blow you off when you try to tell him how you are feeling. Communication is so important in a marriage. I understand what you mean about feeling loved emotionally and him showing you the love he feels. I hope that he will listen to the things you are saying and decide to work on being more attentive toward you. I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 3

Stop whining. I wouldn't listen to you either. If you don't know how to communicate like an adult then you need some counseling to help you.

And talk to the pharmacist about the side effects of the medication your husband is taking, my guess is this change in personality is part of it. Apparently your husband is dealing with some sort of medical condition that needs a medication with "adverse effects" which tells me that maybe he has something else going on that might be distracting him from worshiping the ground you are walking on.

Answer 4

This is a tough thing to go through. In JESUS name I am praying for you. Have you tried doing special things with him and for him rather than simply telling him "You are hurting me and I don't feel loved". Example, Find something he really loves to do and go do it with him and be enthusiastic about it. Example, instead of your mouth, try a card or a letter and write truly just how much you need and want his love. Tell him things that you love about him and just how great he has made you feel in the past and what a wonderful person you think he is. I know it has been months but fight, fight and fight until there is no more to give. This life is all about giving whether it feels good or not. You must give, give and give more. Ask JESUS for help. With faith, a lot of hard work and continuing to be a good kind loving person I promise you JESUS will come and help you.

Answer 5

Men tend to hate nagging of any sort. He may feel like every time you approach him about this matter that this is happening ( we woman don't usually see it this way but step in to the mind of a guy and this is what it comes across as). Try using your actions instead of words to be close with him. Touch his hand when you watch TV together. Smile and ask how his day was when he comes home. Little things to show him you are interested in him genuinely. Hopefully this will help him open up to the possibility of being closer to you! I haven't found a man yet that doesn't flabbergast me with the way they deal with their emotions and instead of trying to argue it with them I've learned to dig deeper and find out what's really going on! It's the difference between cats and dogs!

Good Luck! Sounds like you really love your husband!

Answer 6

Marriage counseling is a great option for a couple in this situation. Next you need to accept that your feelings are yours and he is NOT in control of them. He doesn't make you feel good or bad. He does what he does and you decide on the feeling you have. His disagreement with you means to me that he loves you and doesn't really understand why you can't see that. The sex life problems appear to be a result of the degradation going on in the relationship. I'm betting that will improve after some time in counseling.

Answer 7

I have been exactly where you are and chances are it is his meds. However that is not easy on us wives. My husbands meds left him distant, irritable and very tired. When he was home he wasn't here....I would calmly tell him how I felt and after a while I was not going to listen to the excuse of the meds. Part of it was and part was he just got used to being that way and didn't want to change...he didn't think he had changed to begin with. We finally got the meds changed and things have started to get back to normal. I have kept a journal to keep track of my feelings and how he has been. I have let him read it and it has really made him see how things are. We are working together to get back on track and for the most part we are. so talk to him and his doctor. Alot of meds will decrease the sex drive and they may be able to switch it to something else or tell him a different time of day to take it.

Answer 8

if this behavior is the result of a medication he has to take, why are you blaming HIM? if the medication has bad side-effects, it's not his fault...

can the doctor prescribe something different? have you or your husband discussed the effects of the drug? have you told the doctor it makes him aloof and has changed his personality? and that your sex life is suffering?

i don't know if there is an alternative medication, but you really need to look into this... your husband can't be pleased about it, either.

meanwhile, i don't understand your thnking -- you are going to leave someone who has to take a medication, and because the MEDICATION has changed him, it's too hard for you?

what if it were the other way around, and you were taking a medication which changed YOU? would you expect your husband to leave you because you are ill and have to be on meds?

yikes.

Answer 9

From a guys point of view, I have been through the same thing. This is not uncommon. It seriously sounds like a beast called DEPRESSION!! Take it from a married man of 22 yrs, whos wife has been diagnosed with severe medical depression now for probably 15 of them. Lonliness is a part of our lives. But there are ways to cope. If you feel you need to talk to someone about it, send me an email. I look forward to hearing from ya

Answer 10

Im so sorry for you, i can relate slightly in that my husband can be a bit moody and snappy and i sometimes feel as if i annoy him which i cannot stand. If it was to your extreme though i would have left im afraid. I dont mean for good but i would have had to do something to shake him up. you have tried talking to him and been a good wife in that way but you shouldnt have to live like that. If he has a problem he should talk to you about it. Dont live like that, my mother did and i decided long ago that i never would!

Tell him that he either changes his ways, tells you whats wrong and lets you help him or packs his bags!