my husband says horrible things leaves then comes back and begs for forgiveness?

Question

my husband and i been married since 2003 and we have a child together (background)...

whenever we get into a fight he'll say he hates me and hell call me other horrible names then he'll leave (or go to another part of the house) come back in a bit and beg for forgiveness (on his knees if he has too doing everything but crying and saying he loves me and hes sorry and so on) ill be the one crying usually because of the names he calls me.

i talk to him about it and he says hes sorry and that stuff just comes out, everything else in our marriage is good except that he hurts me with words and mind games.. any ideas? he wont go to marriage counseling or anything but he just says he doesnt have control over that when he gets angry.

he just goes to his car usually to "cool down" or to another room

Answer 1

have your keys in your pocket and when he STARTS , leave. when he sees you being the one who walks out he will stop in his own tracks. dont even give him a chance to say a few words. with you staying there and letting him hurt you , you are giving him that power over you. say to your self wen you hear these words coming out of his mouth "that you are a better person then what he says and your not going to take it" you are letting him get out of the fighting what he wants and that is control. change the scene and try everything you need to to put yourself somewhere else. when you start crying he has won. when he comes begging for forgiveness just look at him and ask him if hes done yet? then say that he no longer will be forgiven so he needs to remember this before he ever does it again. you have to look through the eyes of your child and see what your showing him as right and wrong in a relationship and you need to take these steps to stop your husband before he can even get started.

Answer 2

100% knows what you are going through!!! I wanted to ask a similar question but didn't know how...
my husband had in the past said some awful things to me out of anger, and then say he's sorry. I alway forgive but with each time this happens I loose a little part of me. My husband is in recovery, and he would use that as an excuse, I allowed it. He went into anger magn. and found out why he acts the way he had, it worked but then he would fall back into that mentality in recovery and use his hard luck story as an excuse, I allowed it. This went on for the last 4 years until I realize that the excuses will continue as long as I allow them to. So I got myself into Al-Anon. He has AA for the alcoholic and I have Al-Anon for the victim of the disease. It has been the best thing I have ever done in my life!!! Yea, he still will act like an *ss-hole at times but now I don't allow it to break me down. I have found a way of living that puts me first!
You see, you have no control over any person on what they say or do, you only have control over what you say and how you react. Once I understood that it took so much weight off of my shoulders.
There is so much more I would love to talk to you about on this but this is a forum and not "Opera" :-) but I hope you remember one thing if nothing else at all: Abuse is abuse. Words can hurt just as much if not more then a fist.
God bless you dear, and please let me know if I can help...

Answer 3

Your husband is an exaggerater...he exaggerates his fights but he does that also with his apologizing.. he is in other words a drama queen..

See, he wont go to counselling so I would strongly advise you to talk to him about it but you mentioned that u already do so.. But yet it keeps happening again and again? He knows he can get away with calling you horrible things if he begs for forgiveness.. because it has happened many times before and you have forgiven him.. its like a child who cries and cries until you give it what he wants and then it calms down again... men and children are similar in this way, they know what they want and they will not use the smartest way to get it but they'll use the tested & proven way that they know will work...

Talk to him Again.. tell him it is enough and if he goes on (which i think he will if at least to test you) do NOt forgive him easily for hurting u badly.. dont Threaten him but give him warning signs that you wont take this behavior anymore..

He is abusing you even if its not physical (at least not yet.. these things are gradual).. he is abusing and scarring you verbally and mentally and it is up to YOU to stop that from happening... again like a child, Educate him on how you feel and Teach him how to treat you right... you are a mother also not just a wife and your child needs a mother who knows all about Self Esteem and Dignity and Courage...

Good Luck =)

Answer 4

Your husband needs HELP! Now it is just words and games, next it will be physical and just because he says that he is sorry doesn't mean it will stop things from getting worse. Honey you need to leave if he is not willing to go to marriage counseling and anger management classes.

Even though you have a child together, that child will grow up thinking that verbally and mentally abusing people is right and you don't want that. Before your husband causes damage that can never be fixed seek the help of the police, family members, the minister at your church and/or a woman's shelter. You need to get out!

Good Luck

Answer 5

Pardon my bluntness, but the hell he doesn't have control over what he says when he's angry. He's deliberately saying the most hurtful things he can, specifically to cause you pain. He's a grown man and he's certainly capable of controlling his own tongue. He just chooses not to, because when he's mad he wants to hurt you emotionally.

This is completely unacceptable.

If you two have a pattern of him acting like this, then getting all apologetic, and you forgiving him, and he's not willing to break the cycle, you're in for another 40 or 50 years of this unless *you* break the cycle.

Next time, don't forgive him. Tell him you want either a separation or marriage counseling. No other option. And stick to your guns no matter how he pleads for forgiveness, even if he finally manages to produce tears, because until he learns to deal with his anger like an adult, this is not going to stop.

Answer 6

If he won't go to marriage counseling or anger management, you need to step back and see what you can do. Do you easily forgive? Maybe you shouldn't! Let him know it is not okay to be a jerk! If you need to leave go to a family or friends house so He gets the message that, YOU WILL NOT STAND TO BE TREATED THIS WAY! STOP it now or look forward to a lifetime of pain and regret! YOU DESERVE BETTER!!!!

Answer 7

It is clear that your husband has a problem and though you may not have noticed it, he is psycologically abusing you with what he tells you, which has you feeling the way you do. Another trait of abusers is the constant need to say they are sorry after they realised that they were out of control. It is not healthy for your child to see this behaviour from their parents, so I suggest that bothof you NEEDS to go to counselling because this has the potential of becoming much worse before either of you even realise it and you may find yourself in asking the question, "How did we get here?" If he really does love you he will try to improve things before they get worse, even if it means that he has to go to therapy.

Answer 8

It sounds like your husband has a problem and should go and get some therepy. It sounds like he is bi-polar or something. does anyone in family have mental illness? That would be worth finding out. my husband is bi-polar and has said some awful things to me then later apologized and said he never meant to. but it still hurt. I almost left him because of it and then i learned more about mental illness. Hope he starts geing nice to you.

Answer 9

Hate to put this so bluntly, but super-angry words can also lead to slaps, punches and other stuff. Verbal violence can morph into physical violence--and hurtful words & mind games are, sad to say, the thin edge of the wedge. He may someday be saying he "doesn't have control" when he gets angry enuf to thump you. Get help for YOU about this and learn all you can about possible solutions for you both.

Answer 10

emotional abuse isn't fun or funny.

you can probably find a lot of helpful information on line by doing a search for COPING WITH EMOTIONAL ABUSE or simply EMOTIONAL ABUSE.

i think that you and your husband need to have CALM discussion about this. sit down and let him know how you feel -- "I feel humiliated. I feel scared. I feel put down when you verbally attack me"....

let him know that you understand he must be under some sort of pressure, but you don't deserve to be the butt of his anger or emotional issues. you could let him know you're there if he needs to talk. you can't force him to say what's wrong (he might not even know).

your husband CAN LEARN TO CONTROL his temper and emotions. by counting to 20 in his mind BEFORE EVERY RESPONSE he gives, and making it a habit, isn't that difficult... it will give him time to stand there and think about it, and digest the situation before he lashes out upon innocent bystanders....

he could also let someone know "i feel upset" or "I am stressed"... that would give an opportunity for you or whomever, to offer to listen if he needs to get things off his chest.

counting to 20 in our minds is a good habit anyway... it's especially great to use when we are upset, but a good idea to use before we make comment on any topic. i know, i've been doing it for years.

your husband likely won't go to counseling because he's afraied to face himself, his anger, his pain and frustration. it takes a lot of EFFORT and WORK to get help in therapy, and some people are too lazy... or ignorant about therapy in general.

help doesn't grow on trees or fall out of the sky. it takes effort toward change. so your husband has a choice -- be a miserable person who acts out, or start issuing some control when he feels upset.