I need some advice? Any one who thinks they can help?

Question

if your wife wants to go to her parents house but her parents don't like you and you know they will make the time you spend there hell and it will only end up in arguing and people crying because that is the way it always does then what will you do.

I don't want to stop my wife seeing her parents or having her parents in her life, but I don't think that an atmosphere like that is any good for either of us and certainly no good for my little boy. But every time I mention that to my wife she takes it as a personal afront, which it is not and I know she will end up crying by the end of the day.

I have tried every way I know short of been an *** hole of explaining it to her. But she still wants to go again this Sunday "as a family" how can I explain to her that these visits are causing problems between us that she wont admit

Answer 1

if the problem only is when you are there encourage her to go and take your son but that you will not be going. Tell her you prefer not to cause tension for your son and her and that you want their visit to be nice. Tell her that you can do something nice as a family some other day. OR have her invite her parents to your home. Explain that it is your home and expect them to respect you in your own home. If that doesn't work your wife will have to understand your feelings. Maybe a counselor or member of your clergy can help her to see what you are saying. This is a very emotional area I am sure and needs to be handled in a good way. Your wife needs to explain to her parents too that they can not treat you that way and if they continue to do it they will not see her or their grandchild until they at least act civilly to you.

Answer 2

It is so hard when the families do not get along. When I was with my ex husband I always felt his family did not like me much and I never had a good time at the gatherings. They get together a lot and when I did not want to go, it was always an issue. I agree that it is not a good atmosphere for you or your child to be in. I hope that you can get your wife to understand how you feel. I have been in that situation and it is not a fun one. Maybe you can come to an agreement where you only visit on a few holidays. I also hope that she will look at how they are treating you and decide that it is okay to go on her won but not subject the both of you to unpleasantness.

Answer 3

You need to at least tolerate these in-laws for your son's sake. But also remember that every marriage has an area of problems, and it's not always up to you to fix them.

She's a wife, she'll banter you into going one way or the other. Take her to your parent's house (without your son to avoid any upset) and either casually talk through everything with the in-laws until past problems are resolved, or until your wife understands fully that your parents don't accept her.

She obviously has some insecurities, so talk with her and tell her that not everybody can like her, and that whether or not in-laws approve or not, does not affect the marriage unless a person lets it.

Answer 4

Stop by the parents house without your wife and child and let them know that you love your wife and that you will be attending family Sundays with her and that you aren't going anywhere soon so they better suck up whatever they dislike about you for the sake of their family. Let them know that you intend to be respectful and pleasant for your wife's sake and they should be too. And if they aren't then explain to them that you and your child will not tolerate it and your wife will have to visit alone during the week because she will be spending Sundays with her immediate family. Then stop babying your wife she has a responsibility in this also. Tell her plainly that you will not tolerate such behavior from her parents and that if she wants to visit them with you than she will need to stand up for you and make her parents act like adults.

Answer 5

Hi Brad,

You and I have covered the same ground. I respect you for taking the high road, and trying to communicate honestly with your wife about this issue. But she is being emotional and not following logic.

Have you tried a compromise? Spending one day with her family, and the second day doing something (just the three of you?) a theme park, hiking, mini golf, throwing a Frisbee in a park, something your son will enjoy?

It's difficult being the father in this situation, because it's important for your son to be around his grandparents. But if it is an unusually dramatic or unhealty environment, he is not gaining much by being in their presence.

Maybe it's time for you to be an ***hole. If you have tried to go the respectful husband, the peace-maker, the mediator - they haven't worked. Drastic measures are needed here.

When I was married and visited her parents, I would spend time outdoors with my son. Swinging him on the playground, digging in the dirt with him, tossing a ball, or making bubbles. Anything to focus my attention on him, outside the house. If your mind is on your son, you won't have any attention left to focus on these people.

Good luck ~

Answer 6

You just be blunt with her, u explain that ur fine with her and ur son to go over there and visit , but that u want no part of the chaos that goes on with her family when ur around.. u tell her that all it does is cause tension and a fight breaks out and u'd rather her and ur son go over there and enjoy themselves then for u to try and go and just end up in a heated arguement .. so u choose to not go.. if she at that point doesnt want to go thats her choice but the door is open if she wants to go.. and if she cant understand then maybe u need to tell her that when she can get through to her parents to stop treating u like some horrible outsider then u will attempt to go over there again, but she can not expect u to go into a situation where ur treated with no respect and that u wouldnt dream of putting her in a situation like that and it is unfair of her to expect you to put urself in that situation. Why should u have to take that? You married her, not her family.. and although she loves her family YOU and YOUR SON, are her immediate family and she should stand by you, not them. So if she wants this rectified she needs to get it rectified with her own family.. by saying something like.. "if u cant be nice to my husband then , u dont need to see me or ur grandson untill u can" .. the lack of respect for u, is a lack of respect for her, and a lack of respect for ur son, cause u are apart of them..

Be blunt, stand ur ground, but dont ask her to give up her family.. but dont let her make u feel that it is right that u have to be put into that kind of situation.

Answer 7

there comes a time in your married life where in laws are concerned where you "draw the line" .....
if they do nothing but cause miscomfort and arguments your wife needs to understand it would be a more enjoyable visit if you didnt attend but remember that goes both ways if she doesnt get on with your family you shouldnt drag her there either .....

I used to get along fantastically with my husbands family until my kids and our son became to much of a hassle for them to handle at the same time , my husband watched as his family tore my kids emotionally to threads to and tore me down strip by strip over 8 years until finally I said enough was enough my husband never visited my dad when he was alive and he still doesnt visit with my mother so I told him I dont wish to associate with his family anymore if he wants to see them fine he can take his 2 kids from his previous relationships' and our son but the remainder of the family will be doing something else or staying home .....

sit down and explain to your wife how the visits make you feel and ask her if she enjoys the drama they cause and wether she prefers being with them alone without the drama if she refuses to go without you then her problem is more then needing you to go with her its much much deeper find out what that is and handle it good luck.....

Answer 8

The contradicting forces in your problem is you and your in-laws. To settle the situation, go to your in-laws house alone and talk to them calmly, humbly, and respectfully. Tell them that you love their daughter so much, and your willing to do anything for her. Then ask them why they are treating you like that. After that apply what you learn. A little praying also will help.

I hope your problem wil be resolved

Good luck.

Answer 9

My advice is to make plans for Sunday for yourself. Then, tell her what you're going to do. "Honey, I appreciate you asking me to go with you to visit your parents, but I have other plans. Sorry!" When she gets angry and tries to pursuade you, listen to her, nod your head, don't even try to explain your decision (because, intellectually, she already knows everything you've been telling her), and don't get angry back. Tell her you understand she's angry because she's disappointed you're not going. Sympathize with her. Tell her you're sorry she feels that way. Support her and comfort her, but remain firm that you have made other plans.

The plan, summarized: 1) Make other plans; 2) tell your wife you're not going; 3) do not explain; 4) be nice to your poor, upset wife; and 5) follow through by not going.

It's not easy telling anyone who asks something of us, "No". It's especially difficult when it's someone you love. However, it is clearly in the best interests of you, your son, and your family, in this situation for you to lovingly tell your wife no.

Answer 10

Maybe you need to admit to yourself that you are contributing to lack of a respectful relationship with IN-LAWS..... {you do not have to love them but out of respect for your wife + son join the family} Just play the game and keep your women happy..... I do not get it i love my IN laws as if they are my own parents ;as well, as my husband does mine......