How do you leave someone you completely adore?

Question

I haven't even been married a year yet and the world is falling at my feet. My husband and I had a row yesterday which ended up in violence. He choked me until I blacked out. I know I need to leave for the sake of our children so that they don't grow up witnessing this kind of behaviour which I am more than sure could happen again even if this is only the first time but the man I married has been the one true love of my life. We have been together for 5 years and I have changed from someone who hated themselves so much to a smart and confident woman. My husband has been diagnosed with depression and has been using recreational drugs over the last six months which really hasn't helped anything. He came back yesterday to tell me he wants a divorce because he can't live with someone in the fear that one day I will push him to killing me. We have had our times in the past but he hasn't ever initiated violence. My children have to come first buy my heart is simply breaking.....

It is a massive shame because things were always so lovely until he ran out of steam in counselling me about a year ago. I feel bad for draining him so badly and only now am I finally getting through to the medical profession about seeking the help I have always needed but is this too little too late on my part? Is the damage now too far gone because of yesterdays incident?

Answer 1

I can clearly tell you don't want to leave and I don't think he does either.

Once in 5 years? It's the drugs that are doing this, dope and maybe coke I'd guess? he needs them cause he's depressed without them and you (i'll bet) moan about him taking them, don't call him a junkie (that's cutting to the bone for him) and just let him realise in his own time that he NEEDS to come off them.

I'm in the same position myself and although I haven't hit my wife, she does take me very close to it sometimes.

email me ([e-mail]) and we can chat, it might do us both good to hear from the other persons perspective.

I wish you good luck and hope you don't have to leave cause I know you dont want to...

EDIT__________________________________

they're just not getting it, are they? "he's bad, leave him" - I'd love to know where hypnosis gets his info from, sounds like a lot of rubbish to me!!

Answer 2

You have to think really hard. What he did is really terrible, but do you think with a little time it could all work out? Maybe it was his depression causing his behavior? It might be an isolated incident, especially as you have known him for 5 years with no other violence. It seems a shame to break up your family if there is any hope of you working through this. A second incident of violence is a different matter though. Its then a repeating pattern, and don't tolerate it. Good luck and take care X

Answer 3

Having been in a violent relationship I want to tell you to be brave and take your children and walk.
It is all the more important as you cannot and will not force anyone to hurt you, they do it of their own free will,
If you really think that this relationship could work in the future then you need to make some ultimatums and mean them. Tell him he must be clean, have some kind of anger management and be seeing the children regularly.
Until he can prove all of the above, stay away from him.
I know its tough, but how tough would it be for your children to see you get hurt by daddy on a regular basis, if you forgive this time, he will do it again and again,
Good Luck x

Answer 4

Take it from one who knows...this will not get better. I adored my man...his violence towrds me got worse and worse...he could not control himself at all.he beat me to the ground when I was seven months pregnant, kicked me in the stomach...I don't know how my son survived.
My children saw much of what he did to me...finally..I threw him out. He came back briefly, but thankfully left again for good after a few months. The break I had made had broken his hold on me, and I wasn't afraid of him any more. He couldn't live with the fact that he couldn't control me.

Don't blame yourself or drugs or anything else for this; he is totally responsible for his own behaviour; and don't kid yourself that loving him will make it better. It won't.

Answer 5

I do not believe in violence, and I always say if it happens once then it may happen again.
But you know maybe you both need to sit down and talk with no children in the house, dont just jump up and pack your bags because most people here are telling you to do so.
Talk with him, you can separate for a few months, and both seek help together.
Dont deprive your children of their father, dosent everyone deserve a second chance.
This can be sorted now if you both want it and are both willing to work on it................TOGETHER.

Answer 6

What you need to know is that you didn't "push him." He has had the ability to physically harm you, laying dormant in his system for a long, long time. You didn't "make" him do anything. Humans have to ability and rational thinking capabilities to control rage and violence.
If he's known that it was building up inside of him, he should have sought help before it got to this point. Do not let him turn this around to say that any of this is your doing.
None of this is your fault.
It is best that you take your children and leave. Not only could he harm them too, but they might pick up on his horrible behavior and learn to emulate it.
I wish you the best.

Answer 7

my god u poor woman,u have the right idea u have 2 leave it's not Ur fault except his offer 4 divorce because he is trying 2 take control of u by saying its Ur fault no1 deserves wot u got,least of all Ur children,trust me as i witnessed it in my life and no matter how young it will effect them 4 life,u say u r confident take that confidence and use it b brave then u will realise that u made the right choice,please listen because if he is taking drugs it will only get worse!i wish u all the best and hope u have the strength to do the right thing for Ur kids and urself.

Answer 8

He's trying to make out that his violent act was your fault, how immature can you get, he cannot even face up to his own appalling behaviour, by saying to you "he wants a divorce because he can't live with someone in the fear that one day I will push him to killing me" is making out like you asked for it. Stay strong, make plans to leave, this will get worse and he will continue to subtly break you down with snide comments, I say you are better out of it, pack your bags and go to your parents or a trusted friend til you can get new accommodation arranged.

Answer 9

I can really feel the pain in what you are writing - but is ending the relationship really the answer?? If you love each other so much??

I totally agree the kids should not grow up in this environment but surely time apart and time for reflection might give you other alternatives and help you work through the problems in your relationship....

Don't throw the towel in just yet.....
I really hope you work things out hunni, xx

Answer 10

you need to leave and make sure he gets the help he needs. He needs to be off the drugs because they will only make his depression worse. I am sure that with all this his personality has changed. He needs some real help and off the drugs to get back to the person he was. Once he is at that point, re-evaluate your relationship with him.

Answer 11

Do you love yourself ? Do you love your children's ?
Do you love yourself and your kids more than your husband ?
if answer to all three is Yes -- then only 1 solution --- You know which one ?


Are you addicted to him ? if yes then you need help.
Because there was an article on why females marry prisoners, they have low self esteem and are addicted to some action in their life.

you need to go to your therapist immediate and tell him about incident.

You will not be there to protect your kids because you have an addiction to abuse. (which you are calling love). Its hard to get over any kind of addiction.

So who will be taking care of your children's if he choaks you again and you are dead by mistake ? I hope you have already made the arrangements.

good luck.
ps :: make sure to make arrangements for your kids, Addicted parents always leave their child homeless.