Love Hate Sex?

Question

At 13 raped,...now at 33 and married, I only seem to really get into sex when I'm drinking. Even then I seem to hate it untill my husband is ruff,..then love it. ???? I've got it in my head,. sex is nasty,.and sick,.until I'm drunk?? But for the most part, I think I could have been a nun,..and go without sex forever. Yet drunk I like filthy sex with my husband,............why do I feel this way? dose it have anything to do with the rape,...or what?? I want to love sex all the time,...my husband dose too????!!!!! help

Answer 1

I would imagine that the rape is a lot of what is going on. There are 2 things that shape our thought patterns. From a neurological standpoint, repetition and trauma are the forming factors.

You don't mention any negative repetition other than your memories of the rape (which I am in no way making light of) I mean that you did not mention anything else like being told by your mother it was icky or bad...

You definitely need to see a counselor! Just so you can move beyond the pain - just for yourself. But for your marriage, you need to rewire your thinking. You need to force yourself to see two kinds of sex. The kind that was forced upon you and the kind you have with your hubby. Maybe you should call the rape - rape and not see it as sex.

Imagine if you gently touched your child on the cheek and in contrast a friend of your child punched him/her very hard on the cheek. Both of you and the friend touched the cheek but only one of you loved the other during the act, which by definition mad it different. You need to see what happened this way and separate your hubbies actions from the rapists... both are not sex... one was violence... the only sex you have ever had was with the hubby.

Answer 2

I can't imagine the hell you went through being raped at 13 - we are so impressionable at that age, and innocent, and we are just learning about our bodies and sexual stuff. To be violated at that age, well yes that helped shape how you see sex - which is something horrible and sick. You get over those feelings by drinking, but can't imagine sex being loving and slow because you mind has been conditioned to see it as violent.

You are very brave - and I'm sure you are brave enough to seek help. A psychiatrist will understand this perfectly and help you to work through your negative feelings about sex and how to reconnect with your husband in a loving way.

People who rape don't care about the long term consequences it has for the victim. I am just so sorry this happened to you, but I'm sure you can work through it.

Answer 3

Yes, this has everything to do with your rape and is very common. Unfortunately, there is no quick fix to your problem. You can get help from a phycitrist and after much work will get over this for the most part but it takes a long time and while it is going on it will get worse. You probably need to talk to your man (remember it will be hard on him to) and see if you all are ready to work through this.

Answer 4

TRAUMA syndrome. Not easy to forget it esp. if you are raped. FORGIVENESS, it is difficult but you have to do it if you want to go on with your LIFE. Needs TIME of course, slowly, go for a retreat, ask yourself don't force yourself to do it, you will get worse. You have to change your mindset first. Not every man is bad, and not every sexual intercourse is raped, you should tell your husband using a romantic method, relax, enjoy the moment, make it different. But yet FORGIVENESS is the first step. You will feel blessed if you can forgive that bad guy. If you need any consultation YM or email me.

Answer 5

Relax. Perhaps if you two try some different kinds of "role-playiny" you may be able to work past the alcohol-sex thing. The sex is better without the booze - my opinion here.

Answer 6

I was older when I was sodomized by my first "Real" Bf/ future hubby (Steve). We were going to get married, and we did. However, prior to marriage he had kept after me for sex and I had told him no. He took me to a deserted road got me out of the car to "Look at some flowers" and threw me face down on the hood of his car and forced himself on me.
He was abusive in more ways than one.
Now, I imagine you wonder how this effects my current marriage? (To Rabbit MAN) Well, I was afraid to make love to him.. I was also afraid that he would be just like my ex-hubby, who only sodomized me. I honestly did not know how to make love to a man the right way. I only knew to stick my bum in the air and let them "Get it over with."
Truth be told, when my hubby (Rabbit Man) was going to do it doggy style, I always freak out thinking he is going to stick it in the wrong place. I always start shaking, but then I try to calm myself and think this is just in my mind.
I am still after 15 years, very much afraid. I was also sexually assaulted by a family friend about 8 years ago. So, to me it is still fresh in my mind.
Blessings to you

Answer 7

this does have to do with the rape at such a young age and I am sorry to hear that this happened to you and hopefully the guy had to pay the price for doing this. You might consider some counseling to help you with this problem.

Answer 8

There is no quick fix for this. You have damaged emotions that need to be healed. Or you will continue to be like this. Your better off staying AWAY from DR.s and read some good books. Joyce Meyer for instance has many good books to help heal in this area. Good luck

Answer 9

nicely possibly you may desire to be extra mushy together with her. ladies who are not used to intercourse or mutual intercourse seem extra tight down there. that could be a sparkling element to their section, and while a woman is a virgin something that is placed up there or what no longer hurts relatively yet that is because of fact they are actually not used to it. So i could think of you 2 are being risk-free, and using condoms. All i'm able to declare is in basic terms be open to her and step up. refer to her. verbal substitute is the #a million element in a courting, alongside with believe, and convenience. i'm hoping I helped!

Answer 10

Best to get therapy. All rape victims have negative affects on their sex life.