hnosely what do you think of my poem?

Question

i wrote this poem about two weeks ago its about the aboriginals


You and me different i can see
You have black hair and eyes of brown
skin thats not fair and wear a sad frown

You and me different i can see
You have blond hair and eyes of blue
skin that is fair not much like you

You and me different i can see
you live in the bush and sleep under the stars
I live in a rush and drive around in cars

You and me different i can yet if we both hurt
we bleed just the same we call for our mums in tears of pain

so what ddi you think out of ten im only 12 remember
thanks

Answer 1

I think it's absolutely gorgeous. I just have one tiny question and I hope you don't mind. Do you think that all aborigines have a sad frown? The ones I've met are very proud of their heritage and are very proud and happy people. Good luck sweetie, keep loving your mum.

Answer 2

For a 12 year old I think you have a good start on being a poet. I'm not sure if you realized or not, but you were writing in broken English. "you and me different i can see"...should be "you and me are different I can see"...you need to add "are" and capitalize "i". The aboriginals that I've met actually speak better English than most americans when they want to...and I don't think they'd appreciate hearing "you and me different i can see". I'm sure you meant no offense, just be careful.
The rest of the poem is not bad, but you need to watch your line length and beats. The "we bleed" line is too long and should be shortened or made into two lines. If you didn't try so hard to rhyme, I think you might have written a much better poem. Why not try to rewrite it in free verse this time and see how you do?

in any event, keep writing, you'll get better every time you do.

Answer 3

i think it is good... but incomplete , add more! put a conclusion on it. :D