Can you rate my friend poem? She's a new writer and wants tips.?

Question

I thought i found a guy that actually cared for me
you told me you loved me
thought we were meant to be
since u left me i feel so alone
my life was once complete
but now i feel like a cold piece of meat
i feel used and just left alone
i wonder to my self
why did i take the verbal abuse
why didnt i leave when he called me names
why did i let him play all his games
i still love him more then anything
but sometimes i lay awake
thanking god hes gone
im done crying and wishing i was dying

This is her first poem...I gave her some tips and this is what she came up with :] For a first poem I think it's really good! Any suggestions/tips?

Answer 1

Well in my opinion i think it's really good
Mine May Not Be As Good But Here's Three Of Them in english and one in spanish
Baby I LOVE YOU
because of your smile it was full of warmth and cozy
because of your lips they were as tender as a babys skin
because of your hugs when you huged me i felt protected at your side
because of your stare when ever you would look at me you could see the real me inside
because of your hands they were as soft as rose petal
because of your personality you were always yourself around me

Baby Boy when ever we would be outside looking at the stars side by side we would glazed at each others eyes and with that glaze we would tell each other that no matter what we were always going to be in each others arms in the ups and downs.



Mi amor tu eres mi razon de vivir porque no te puedo sacar de mi Corazón aunque lo trate mil vecez eh vivido con tu recuerdo por 100 diaz y cien diaz todavia podria vivir sin tu amor por el resto de mi vida porque te amo y te deseo



I love you but i wasn't going to be the girl ruining your relationship with your girlfriend I would rather be away from you and see you happy with your girlfriend Then being at your side and seeing you unhappy.

Answer 2

Please tell your friend there are two things that jump right out of her poem...1. she uses the low self-esteem "i" instead of "I"...it's hard to care for someone who doesn't care about themselves...and 2. "u" is not a word! If you want to tick off a reader, go ahead and use "2" for "to" or "u" for "you", or "4" for "for". Poetry is not a cell phone text message...if you're going to take the time to write down a poem, then give every word its due and spell it out!

As far as the poem itself goes, it's almost a diary entry, but it's a good first attempt at poetry. Tell your friend that poetry "shows" us, it doesn't "tell" us. When she says she feels like a "cold piece of meat" we get it...we understand what that's like...it's called a "simile". Also, she starts out speaking to the audience in the first line, then starts talking to the boyfriend in the second...which is it going to be? Make a decision and stick with one or the other. When you start "telling" us about "how you feel", we don't "feel"...we listen. If she said, "my heart shattered like cheap glass" we'd have understood, or "when you left the ground fell out from under my feet".
Finally, tell her to start using the "apostrophe" for words like "he's" and "didn't" and "I'm".

Basically, she needs to try and "paint" more with her words instead of writing out a report with line breaks. It was a good first attempt, she's got a good heart and a willingness to expose her grief...all she has to do now is read more poetry, and write more poetry. Tell her not to give up and keep writing

Answer 3

Here are a few tips for her:

1. Stop using Internet contractions like u, spell them out.

2. When she said she felt "like a cold piece of meat" that was good. When she's talking about emotions or pain, she should think about how to describe them with words like she used there.

That's it for now, you don't want to overwhelm people with too much when they start writing. The most important tip is if you like writing, keep writing.

Answer 4

it is VERY good for a first poem... she sounds like she has been in love, but was then hurt by her love, This poem shows how dark and depressing being heartbroken is... i give it a 9/10

Answer 5

The ending was very dark. Actually the whol thing was very dark, does she ever go outside or something?

Answer 6

not bad for a first effort....and from a musician's point of view, would make an excellent blues tune with a little tweaking.....

Answer 7

it's a good poem, i think it came from the bottom of her heart. =P

Answer 8

it's good
but "but now i feel like a cold piece of meat" sounds a bit weird...

Answer 9

like so eww...my rating? like 2/10